Happy to die

I'm shivering. I don't even know why. Maybe I'm cold But again not. Everything is blurry before my eyes, but I have no tears in my eyes. Or does it? Should i cry? Why then? I have no reason. Everything will be fine at last. I have to smile. Everything finally has a happy ending. Like in the big films and famous books. Everything is perfect. I couldn't ask for a more perfect moment. I slide impatiently on my bed. Just a few more minutes. Then the time has come. I carefully place the letter on my pillow. You will be sad. Maybe. Maybe not. But it does not matter. I still remember her words so well:
"Nothing is more important than that you feel good."
I'll do exactly what they wanted me to do. I'm gonna be happy.
They didn't believe in it. Not after what happened to Ben. I have no more hope. What am I without him?He's been all my life. When his heart stopped beating, mine did too. It just died. Or I wish it would have been like that. 'Cause I'm still alive My alarm clock beeps softly. Midnight. At last. I get up quietly. I don't want you to hear that I'm leaving. You would stop me. Thwart everything. Make me sad again. I carefully go down the stairs. I know exactly which levels crack. I don't need a light to get dressed. A thin summer jacket, nothing more. I look down the hall one last time, take a good look at the bedroom door. Now I'm really crying. A lonely tear rolls down my pale cheek. I'm fond of. I really love her. But they can't help me. I have to go through it alone. I should make my wishes come true, they said. I will do this too. Tonight. I can clearly feel the cold metal in my hand as I walk down the street. The snow feels strangely warm under my bare feet.Almost hot. The high gate of the cemetery is open as if it were waiting for me. I enter the wide area with a slight smile. The tombstones are all criss-cross. Some have overturned or are in an extreme lean. Benni's grave is still fresh. The white marble stone still unpolluted. I kneel carefully in the snow and look at what has been engraved.
Oh Benni ... I'll be there soon. The fog swirls reassuringly as I pull the blade out of my pocket. The moon is reflected in it. He flashes friendly at me over the metal. He seems to cheer me up. Everything is very quiet. I open my jacket in front of me and lie down on it, right next to Benni's grave. United in death. I've always loved this phrase.
"I'll be there in a minute ..." I whisper to the wind. There are goose bumps on my skin and a shiver runs through me. I put the blade on, excited. It should be a very straight cut.Wrist up. Following the vein.
The branches of the old weeping willows groan. Dead silence surrounds me. Yes, the moment is perfect. I am happy. Happy to die….