...

When he fell, a world collapsed for me. Today I don't know if I felt anything. I don't know what I said anymore. And I don't know anymore if someone noticed me.
I sat by his bed for days. But he didn't wake up. When the doctors gave up, my hope was not gone. I didn't want to admit to myself that he wouldn't wake up anymore. Never again to hear his laugh or smile like that one day. I couldn't admit it to myself. I sat there hoping that he would wake up, that he would open his eyes again. That he would look at me and ask:
"What are you doing here?"
I wished he'd say something. Only one word. But he was silent. The doctors wanted me to go to sleep. But I didn't want to. They said I had been awake too long. They said he wouldn't wake up anymore. But I stayed with him. His friends came and went, they all cried.Only I couldn't cry. Only the cold was burned into my heart. I couldn't feel anything but pain and grief. But somewhere there was hope that he would wake up again. She was there and I remember her. I remember very well.
I made up my mind to tell him what I was feeling. I made up my mind to catch up on everything that my stupidity had suppressed. To tell him, to tell him everything. To tell him what I'm feeling To tell him what I think
But my body got heavier, heavier and heavier. I got tired, but I didn't give up. No, I would never give up. Not for him. No. I wouldn't leave him alone! He would wake up. He would laugh again.
I sat there with empty eyes, with a cold heart, with a black, lonely soul. I hoped. But it was all for otherwise.
We stood in the rain around a hole in which the brown, wooden coffin lay. I still couldn't cry. My heart still felt so empty.I didn't feel anything. I hadn't given up. But he did. He had let me down. He left me alone. He was gone. Forever. I couldn't get him back no matter how hard I tried. I wanted it, I wanted I could have given my life for his. People thought I had a good heart when I said it, but I didn't pay any attention to them. I didn't want to hear any of this. He was gone. He was gone ... he wasn't coming back. I was amazed, I felt him, felt his presence, but he wasn't there. Not really. I raised my head and they all looked into my eyes. And I looked at her, saw the tears, the despair and the endless sadness. They saw the emptiness that had instead spread in my eyes.
He was dead…
I looked down at the coffin. But there were no tears. I hated him. I hated him so much. Why did he go? Even though I told him not to do it."It is too dangerous!" I had to call him.
But he just smiled and drove off. And fell. I screwed up my eyes and tried to ignore my scream, which I kept hearing. That piercing scream. It kept ringing in my ear.
He was dead…
It couldn't be. I dropped the rose on the coffin. I was the last to stand with him. My breath frozen in tiny puffs. He was gone ... He wasn't coming back. Never again. So I stood there, all alone in the rain. He didn't seem to care how long I stood there. He did not say anything. I couldn't remember his voice, his laugh. Everything was gone. How wiped out. I was soaked, but he didn't care. He did not care. No matter…
I saw it.
He wouldn't come back. I clenched my fists. I suppressed a scream, from anger and from sadness. I shook myself to forget the worries. Angry, I turned and left.I left the cemetery, I went to the bridge. I looked down. I looked at the tracks. And now?
I thought of him. His eyes that smiled. Why could I see her now? I closed my eyes. I could see his face. Only now did my tears flow. I looked around. I saw him. How he stood leaning against the railing of the bridge and smiled. I went up to him. He shook his head. Then he turned and walked down the path. I rubbed my eyes, then when I looked back he was gone. I knew what he meant, turned around and ran back to the cemetery. I sat by his grave and stared at it. I smiled. I sat there for a long time. It was difficult for me to say goodbye. But there was no other way. It wasn't until evening came that I left the cemetery ... and him? No ... he was always with me and I was with him. I knew that now. He was never far away. Actually, he was always there.
Where the others were too.
I looked up at heaven and thought I heard him laugh.But I had never heard him laugh like that before ...
For Hannes ...