A letter to Alex

Alex,

It was a rainy day when you stood at my door. You were soaked and you were shaking all over. I looked at you questioningly, did not understand why you ran off without an umbrella. Only when my gaze met yours did I notice the tears running out of your eyes. Confused, I pulled you into my apartment.
You looked at me as if I were a ghost while I took off your jacket and freed you from your other clothes that were so soaked that a puddle formed on the sensitive laminate. I grabbed a blanket and wrapped you in it. I only noticed when I put a cup of tea in your hand that tears were still running down your face. I frowned, pressed you on the sofa and sat down on the floor across from you.

"What's happening?" I asked and looked attentively into your otherwise cheerful eyes. Your look changed, suddenly next to the sadness there was also an endless despair to be seen in it. I didn't want you to be desperate, damn you were the most important person in my life. And when I think about it, you are now too. I watched you take your eyes off me, look at the wall at my back like it could help you. "It ..." You paused and new tears ran down your cheeks. I wanted to get up and hug you, but you shook your head angrily. “I'm sorry.” There is silence, my questioning look is reflected in your eyes. "I ... I don't know exactly how ... how it happened." Another flood of tears runs down your face, your make-up was already smeared and rivulets down your cheeks. "Anyway ..." You take another deep breath. "Anyway, I and ... Dray ... we slept together ... well you know ... together." I saw how the tension fell away from you, at the same time the tears continued to flow and a whimper escaped you.

I looked at you, completely confused, my brain couldn't process this information because it couldn't exist. I stared at you as if paralyzed, I saw in your eyes how desperation turned into guilt, you blamed yourself for the whole thing. You got up quickly and ran out of the house, just wearing a blanket, I didn't run after you, I stared at my hands. I don't remember how long I sat like that. In all honesty, I don't even know if I did anything else that night. I was only torn from my thoughts when you called me and you spoke on the answering machine. "Katy, are you there? You are there, aren't you? I'm so sorry. I don't know what got into me, I was lonely, you know that Jack left me only a few weeks ago. And I was drunk . God I'm so sorry. I don't know if Dray has spoken to you. Certainly not.Well, since you certainly don't want to see me, I'll put the blanket on the stairs for you. You know that I love you I can only guess how much you hate me, I'm sorry. "The words sounded like memorized, you probably read them off.

I got up, tidied up the teacup, wiped off the laminate that had already swollen and finally stood in front of the phone. Do you know how much energy it took not to cry. You know I don't cry on principle, but at that moment it just seemed to overwhelm me. I missed you later, you know how many times I was about to call you. Dray hurt my heart (by the way, I never heard from him again) but you, you ripped it out of me. You were never just an acquaintance, you became so important to me so quickly. You had the greatest place in my heart. You were everything to me, everything I always wanted to protect and was never allowed to lose. You were the sister I never had, you were my conscience, but also the one who released me from my rigidity, who taught me to live between all the adversities. And ... you are still all of that.

I know I was never the easiest person to be and I hope you will forgive me for being so stupid. I saw the way you looked at each other. There was not only desire but also love. You might even be a couple now. Or at least you have contact. Give him my regards for me.
Before this letter gets any longer, I'll finish it now. I find it difficult. How long have we not seen each other now? Three years. I am sorry that I am only now writing this letter, but my heart had to heal first. I still see your tears before my eyes. I had a crush on Dray at the time, but I didn't love him. I should have let go of him before all of this happened. But there is nothing I can do about it.

I hope you are doing well. It took me a long time to find your new address. I had to use all my contacts and now I am sending you this letter with all my emotions that I can still manage. Your clothes should also arrive soon in a package. I don't know if you still want her, but well, you know me. I will now turn to my PC again. I actually achieved my dream and wrote my first book. A publisher even wants to print it. I will send it to you if you want. I should really go on now. You know that I love you

Katy ♥