Sidereal time

Christmas, a celebration of love,
not for me...

Like every year for as long as I can remember, I climb the steps of the orphanage on Christmas Eve. The house that has been my home since I was six.
Every year, over and over again; and every time a new sadness comes over me that I cannot suppress.
Why me? Why not others?
But I had been taught not to wish the worst on anyone, even if I loved to do it.
"Hikari, there you are!" Says the voice of my best friend.
She too had come to the orphanage early on.
"Where have you been again?" Comes from my counterpart, but I don't answer her. Why also? Like every year it will be a sad Christmas for me. Everywhere the joy that does not carry me away.
I just leave the girl in front of me and walk past. My friend looks after me sadly, I know that. Still, I don't turn around to apologize. No!
I quietly open the door of my room and step inside. It is pleasantly dark here. No candle, no wreath, no string of lights shines here. Why also? I hate Christmas!
"Kari, are you coming?" It suddenly sounds from the door, as soon as I have sat down.
"No!" I reply coldly and slam the door in my friend's face.
I hear her footsteps receding and I am glad. I want to enjoy my rest now.
But I only stay on my bed for five minutes. I just can't stay in this room!
I quickly jump up and take quick steps out of the room, the house, the street. I stop near the forest on the outskirts and take a deep breath. That's how I like my surroundings best: quiet and yet in nature.
My steps turn to the forest path that I walk so often, and yet I don't know it yet, because I always devote my attention to my thoughts.
But suddenly I'm on a path that I don't know. How did I get here now? At that moment I notice a tree nearby.
Merry Christmas Hikariis written in the bark. I take a few steps back because a little girl had come out from behind the tree.
But it looks familiar to me. Now that I look at her like that, I have to say that she looks a lot like me. Suddenly it clicks on me: Thatamme!
My little self looks at me sadly from below. "Why don't you like Christmas anymore?" She asks sadly. "We loved it with Mum and Dad!", She points to the tree.
My voice got lost. I can't answer her. Why do i hate christmas When I think about it, I don't even know the reason anymore ...
"Go back and apologize to those who you have offended in the last few years!" Demands my little self suddenly and looks at me very angrily."Yes, I'll do that!" I mumble softly and turn away from her. Did I really have a reason to hate Christmas?
I want to ask her something else, but when I turn around she has disappeared again.
So I go back the way, and only now notice how stupid it was of me to be such a curmudgeon every year ...