Chapter 4

"Quatre!" came the strong voice of the long-haired American through the apartment. The one called winced, as if he had been caught, he hastily pushed his shirt sleeve back over his arm after he had hidden the small, handy penknife in the bedside table drawer.

Only then did he answer: "Yes?" There was a slight tremor in the Arab's voice, Quatre just hoped his friend hadn't noticed.
Duo on the other hand turned in the direction from which the voice was coming and frowned slightly. Somehow it seemed to him that his blonde friend's voice sounded somehow scared. He shook his head vigorously, he was probably just imagining it, but ... What if not?

Duo sighed softly, tried to make a happy face and opened the door. None of the others needed to know how much the situation around Quatre really affected them, and certainly not the person concerned.

"Hey are you okay?" worried, he eyed his friend, who looked unnaturally pale."Naturally!" replied the blonde with a smile, hoping to be convincing. Unfortunately, Duo's doubtful look spoke a different language, but the American said nothing more on the subject, instead motioning for Quatre to precede it with a wave of his hand.
Quatre got up and went ahead, a big lump in his throat, on the one hand he was glad that Duo hadn't said anything else, on the other hand he had a bad feeling. `` It's not Duo's way of saying nothing when he notices that I've lied ... '' thought the Arab nervously and led the way into the kitchen.

***

"We could have another game night!" suggested Duo, just as Quatre was about to leave the room. "Wouldn't be nice, wouldn't it Quatre?" the American smiled and looked at his friend, who couldn't help feeling that Duo just wanted to avoid being alone.

Quatre struggled with himself, on the one hand he wanted to be alone for a while, on the other hand he didn't like to upset the American either.He feared to offend him with a refusal.

"I-" he began, but was interrupted by the long-haired man and thus prevented from continuing.

"Great! So what are we playing?" He looked around expectantly.
Heero peeked over the edge of the magazine he was reading: "Nothing?" he suggested bad-temperedly, he had no desire for board games. Unfortunately, Duo's stubbornness could take on his relationship, which is why the Japanese was often enough grudgingly persuaded to do so, in his opinion there had been too many game evenings lately anyway. Sure, he could guess the reason Duo did this, which also explained his willingness to play along. Nevertheless, he found it superfluous to feign enthusiasm, especially since nobody would believe him anyway.

The American rolled his eyes: "Hee-chan ..." Another grumble, accompanied by a fatal look, was the only comment the Japanese made on his unspoken accusation and the forbidden nickname."Okay, then we'll play 'Don't get angry' first and then we'll see", the long-haired boy finally decided, since no one was tempted to make a suggestion. He quickly found the collection of games in his closet.

Quatre sighed inwardly, but said nothing more, he submitted to his fate and tried not to lose his smile. He would have liked to be alone for a while without having to justify himself before or afterwards.
But that had been almost impossible since his friends decided to "help" him. Either he had to justify himself directly, or indirectly, because Duo's hurt look forced him to justify himself.

Quatre did not want to appear ungrateful by any means, but his friends were unspeakably on his nerves with their care. It was precisely this fact that made the young man feel more than guilty. It just made him feel shabby and selfish.After all, he knew they were just trying to help him, and what was his thanks?
They annoyed him ...
But the worst part was that they were basically right about what he did when he was alone.

All too often, in the loneliness of his room, he was overcome by fear and doubts about his life and his 'job'. In those moments he just couldn't help but take the penknife and chase those thoughts away through the pain.
They tried to help him by distracting him and all he felt was that they were annoying him and Quatre was so sorry because he knew they were doing the right thing.

"What color?" "Hm?" confused, the blond boy awoke from his dark daydreams. "What color do you want?" the American repeated his question patiently in front of him.

The Arab thought for a moment. "Yellow", he decided, then the yellow figurines were pressed into his hand and obediently placed on the board.His friend now turned to the others and looked at Trowa, Heero and Wufei questioningly: "And you?"

Heero just shrugged his shoulders indifferently, Trowa pointed silently to the Greens and Wufei pretended he hadn't heard anything.

"So Heero gets blue, I'll take black and Wufei purple!" certain duo eventually annoyed.

"Who said I would play along ?!" the Chinese complained immediately. He had probably noticed more than he had wanted to lead the others to believe.

"I!" was the dry reply from the American, who skilfully ignored Wufei's subsequent protest, who complained about his alleged audacity.
In the end, the Chinese played along, but primarily only because he saw Duo's angry look, which he noticed because of his refusal, how serious it was for the American.

***

It was past midnight when Quatre fell dead tired into bed. Despite the late hour he could not sleep and rolled over from one side to the other.Angrily, he threw back the covers and straightened up. "Is it asking too much to sleep once ?!" he scolded as he ran his hands through his hair.
It wasn't the first night he couldn't sleep. On the contrary, lately he has been able to count the nights he has slept on one hand and it has been even more exhausting, both physically and psychologically.

Depressed and angry at the same time, he took his water bottle and took a sip from it. Then he lay down again after he had spread the blanket over himself again, hoping to finally be able to fall asleep.

***

He was rudely shaken on the shoulder "Laschmisch sleep ..." mumbled the little blonde and turned on the other side, while he held the blanket tightly.

But that was pointless, because in the next moment the blanket was brutally torn away from him. "STAND UP!" hissed an angry voice, tired Quatre opened one eye only to look into Heero's angry face.The young man glared at him and held the blanket in his hand.

"Must-" "Yes!" the young man interrupted him abruptly.

Quatre groaned softly and, under Heero's suspicious looks, struggled out of bed.
`Of all the alarm clocks I've ever come across, this is the worst! `thought the Arab frustrated,` punctual, merciless and to make matters worse, he still knows me! `
He straightened up, yawned cautiously, and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Breakfast will be in five minutes," Heero informed him before he left the room. The Arab just nodded and yawned again. `Oh, there is nothing better than to be woken up lovingly by your friends! he thought sarcastically as he dressed.

When he was finished, he looked at the bedside table, how magically the top drawer drew him. He hesitated for a moment, then pulled it open and took out what was inside the knife. Thoughtfully he looked at it in his hand: `It doesn't seem that dangerous ... so small and harmless ... 'he thought of the scars on his arm and grimaced:' Well, the external appearance could be deceiving '.He took a deep breath and put the knife back in the drawer, it took all of his willpower to close the drawer again. He felt himself starting to tremble slightly.
"Quatre", startled the person addressed turned around, not a moment too early, because the door was thrown open and the cheerful American stormed in.

"Tomorrow! Where are you? We're waiting-" he interrupted himself and frowned when he noticed the blond's trembling.
For a moment the normally spontaneous, long-haired young man was undecided what to do now, then he made up his mind and stepped up to Quatre.
"Hey", Duo's voice sounded soft as he pulled the smaller one to him and stroked his hair, "What have you got?"
The Arab in his arm slowly stopped shaking and it took a while to answer: "Nothing ..."

He cautiously released himself from Duo's embrace, but couldn't look him in the face, neither did he see Duo's expression fluctuating between disappointment and anger."Do not lie to me!" Quatre looked up, startled by the sharp tone his friend was using. He had only heard the American talk to him like this once: When he tried to convince his friends that they had no problem ...

"I'm just tired ..." he defended himself and looked at his feet. That answer wasn't a lie; it was true, if only partially. The tremor wasn't from being overtired, not just, at least. Still, he wasn't able to look his friend in the face at that answer.

"Look at me!" Duo demanded of him, Quatre looked up slowly and tried to escape the piercing gaze of the blue-violet eyes. "Tell me to my face that it's just tiredness," the long-haired boy looked at him waiting, but Quatre avoided his gaze, thus confirming the American's assumption.

Quatre eyed the ground at his feet uncertainly, he didn't know what to do. He didn't even dare to look up to look Duo in the face for fear of what he would see there.Duo was disappointed, but he tried to control himself. He had so hoped Quatre would trust him enough that he was telling him the truth, which Duo thought was obvious anyway.

He sighed softly, did Quatre really think he hadn't noticed? He always knew when Quatre had cut himself. He could tell by the behavior and the eyes. He'd never had anything to do with it, and maybe that's why Quatre thought he wouldn't notice and fell into the mistake of hiding it by lying to him.

Duo shook his head: "I talk too much and I'm a pain in the ass, but I'm not stupid", his voice sounded serious and Quatre looked up in astonishment, "But I