his story is dedicated to everyone who took the trouble to read this story to the end.
I hope you enjoy this part, even if it is written from a different point of view.

epilogue

I don't remember when it started. At some point when the point came where I could no longer eat it - or wanted to ...

It started slowly, nobody noticed it, not even myself, after all it is a harmless quirk to nibble off your fingernails, a sign of nervousness, nothing bad, except that it looks ugly.
But then I started ruffling the cuticles, initially flinching from the pain and stopping when it hurt, but then ... one day that was the only reason I did it; I wanted to feel the pain!
Whenever my friends worried about it, I denied it, dismissing it as a sign of boredom and nervousness.After all, I had to risk my life in war often enough, so it was normal to be nervous.
At first it was just nervous, sometimes boredom, but somehow it got ... different over time ...

The day came when it was no longer enough for me to just scratch my fingers, too much anger, anger and despair about my inability had accumulated deep inside me and I was looking for a way to get these feelings under control.
I found it by taking something sharp, like scissors, and cutting myself in the flesh (in the arm?). For a short time I was overcome by relief, I was relieved of my inner pain, because I did not even notice the external pain. Only later, when the intoxication of the moment was gone, did I perceive it, as well as the shame I felt about what I was doing ...

Later I took a pocket knife, it was more effective than the scissors and also small and handy, so I could take it with me everywhere without any problems.It was like a drug for me to feel this pain, and yet again not. It was so unreal that it seemed to me that it wasn't there, but it was there, for a short time suppressed the pain inside me, because in those moments I felt nothing.

I longed to feel this `nothing` and took everything as an opportunity that presented itself to me to be able to feel it.
I rarely had to search long, I was a Gundam pilot and I had more than enough life on my conscience to feel guilty for the rest of my life.

The awakening from this intoxication was the same every time, reality caught up with me and I felt shame for what I had done - I was not normal, I was weak, cowardly, in short a loser.
Each of my friends had experienced the same, if not worse, but no one injured themselves because of it, that said it all ...
Well, almost two years later, I know that there is basically NOTHING that justifies harming yourself ...But when I finally realized that and didn't just have it prayed to me and repeated like a robot without believing it, it was almost too late ...
Sure, I had thought of suicide once or twice too, but I was too cowardly for that.
In addition, there was one thing I learned back then: I have the best friends you can have. I wasn't making life easy for them anyway, because I couldn't do that to them too.
I love my friends, each and every one of them, and I think they love me too ... well, in their own way ...
They have all proven it to me by not declaring me crazy, but seriously trying to help me, albeit with less success ...

You were the reason why I put the thought behind me as soon as it came up, or at least that's what I told myself. I knew deep down that I couldn't kill myself, there were enough opportunities for me.

But I could no longer control myself in other respects, it became more and more difficult for me from day to day ... At the beginning it was only thin lines that faded over time and left hardly visible scars, later they became deep wounds that left scars, which are sure to be visible for a very long time, if not forever.If I had been able to see back then that I was addicted to the pain, maybe things would have turned out differently.

I would not have lost the one I love more than anything else and that I first had to lose to realize what he meant to me.

His saying: "You are a junkie! Addicted, not to heroin, coke or what I know what's there, but to pain! Don't you understand that you only hurt yourself even more ?!" and this at the same time desperate and reproachful look in his eyes when he threw this at me I will never be able to forget.
At that moment I couldn't answer it, I knew it was true, but I didn't want to admit it.
Duo waited for my answer, when she didn't come he left ...

Heero, Trowa and Wufei took care of me, they were always there for me and sometimes kept me from doing stupid things, but that was better that way, I don't want to know how it would have gone without them.Duo on the other hand ignored me almost completely during this time, he had turned away from me because he could not see how I gradually ruined myself. I now know how right I was, but I was wrong about his feelings for myself ... Duo wasn't ready to give up on me.
But none of us suspected that Duo would be able to do anything, otherwise we would have stopped him.

I now know that it wasn't necessarily proof of his love for me, but simply a very lousy blackmail.

However, I have long since forgiven him for that, the scars on his wrist will be visible for a lifetime and remind him and above all me of his act of desperation, of the mistakes we made, but also of our love.

Now I am here, just like Duo, but in contrast to him voluntarily, and I am coming to terms with my past, as they call it harmlessly.
Fortunately for me, Duo is with me and gives me the strength to get through this.He is always there for me when I need him, just as I am for him.

I will never forget what he did because of me, but I will never forget what I did either.
Each of my scars has its own story ...
But there won't be any more, because the stories they had to tell have been told and I finally know who I can tell their story and the pain they hide.

The path I chose was wrong, but it also had a good one, it showed me that I have the best friends one could wish for and what true friendship means: always being there for one another, in good and bad Times are true friends for whom I am very grateful. '

the end