So this ff is pretty, I don't know how to put it, maybe sick. I wanted to write something from the first-person perspective and I was in a pretty bad mood, so somehow I became a pretty sick ff. But I hope you decide for yourself whether you like it and don't let me influence you. Always approach this with a negative attitude anyway. I hope I have always stayed in the present and have no leaps in time. Well I hope you guys write me how you like it. I am happy about everything, including criticism (especially criticism, because then I can improve myself!) So I hope you enjoy reading!



Is it bad when you can't love someone? I dont know. I think if you don't really know what you're missing out on, then it's not that bad. What kind of person do you become if you are not loved? To a monster? To a cold doll? If you have never been loved, if you think you are of no use?Isn't suicide preprogrammed? When you always feel alone

Nobody understands me. I know that nobody cares about me. Nobody expresses any feelings towards me. It's like I'm a living corpse. Isn't it better if I do something? But I know very well that no one will love me, no one will ever be my friend. That there won't be anyone in my life who can understand me. I don't open up to anyone. Hide behind a wall that blocks everything. I want to be noticed. Wants to feel like I'm alive. If they can't love me, then at least they should hate me! I will do terrible things to them. I will make them pay attention to me. You should be afraid of me. I know that this is just an inadequate substitute for what I actually want. I want someone to love me so much that they would die for me. Want to feel someone's warmth.I want to feel safe. Wanna feel strong But i am weak. I'm afraid. Fear of loneliness. But none of it helps. I have to make myself noticed or kill myself. Have to do something terrible or die. I reach for a knife. Look at it for a long time. Observe my reflection in the mirror that is reflected distorted on the sharp blade. I am undecided. What shall I do? I slowly stroke the edge with my fingertip. A single drop of blood drips to the ground. I see him in slow motion. See how it hits the ground and fine droplets separate and separate. Look at the fine line that divides my skin. Look at the ground again. A small smile creeps onto my lips. I have decided. I want to live. I turn around. The knife still in hand. Walk slowly towards a man. Look at him closely. He has straight black hair. It's not that big. Wears baggy jeans and a t-shirt.Doesn't look particularly strong. I only see his back. Don't know who he is. Does he have friends? Is he loved? Is there anyone who will cry for him? What is he thinking right now? He is standing in front of a wine rack. Who is the wine intended for? I want to look into his eyes. I'm very close now. Can smell a slight soap smell. At that very moment he turns around. He has a bottle of wine in his right hand. Red wine, quite expensive even. What you don't notice. I almost laughed quietly. He has big, friendly eyes. Brown, framed by long eyelashes. He's younger than I thought. Around my age. He doesn't really notice me either. He is busy with something else. I am with him in two steps. He looks at me. Looks into my eyes and flinches. My smile is getting bigger. What does he see in my eyes? Is he afraid? I have to do it. Grasp the knife tighter. Ram it into his chest up to the hilt.It glides through his t-shirt, skin, and muscle tissue almost effortlessly until it finally pierces his heart. I look him in the eye all the time. He looks stunned at the knife handle. Can't understand what's going on. There is a blood stain on his T-shirt that is getting bigger and bigger. I can smell the blood, hear its intermittent breathing, feel its pain and fear. He looks me in the eye again. In them I can read a question that I cannot answer either. WHY? His mouth opens as if to scream, but blood gushes out of it. His eyes become veiled. I can see life inexorably draining from him. The red wine bottle comes loose from its grip and shatters on the floor. The wine slowly mixes with its dark red blood. Then it's over. His gaze breaks and he collapses. I slowly pull the knife out of his chest. Purge it of its blood almost lovingly.I'm numb. Look down at me I am full of blood. Sit cross-legged on the floor. My hands are still clutching the knife. I'm waiting. I don't have to wait long. The police are coming quickly. I can hear them. Your heavy steps. Their startled gasps when they find the dead man and me. Her screams to put the knife down, raise my hands. But I don't respond. I just sit there. So I did it. I killed someone. Suddenly strong hands pull me back and my head hits the ground hard. I do not defend myself. It doesn't matter. I feel nothing. No regrets, no satisfaction. Nothing. Nothing has changed. It doesn't matter. You read me my rights. I'm being rudely dragged into a car. Someone is trying to talk to me. I am not listening. See further into the void. I sit for hours at the interrogation. I don't say a word. Someone puts a glass of water in front of me, but I don't drink anything.They put me in a cell. A single cell. I sit on the floor. Sit there all night and don't move. The next morning a woman comes to me. Wants to talk to me, wants to at least make eye contact with me, but I remain listless. I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone. Just wanna be alone Think.

She goes again. Somebody brings me something to eat and drink. I don't know how long I was like this. The next time I become aware of my surroundings, I am again sitting in an interrogation room. My mouth is bone dry. I see a mug of water on the table and empty it in one go. Then I take a closer look. The room is small and has no windows. The table is made of wood and is quite large. There is an armchair on each side. I'm wearing something different and my legs feel like they're burning. I feel tired and drained. Hear voices, then the click of a lock.Two people enter the room. A man in uniform and a woman. I pretend I don't notice them. The two of them don't even look in my direction. Stand in a corner and have a lively conversation. I understand every word. You are talking about me. "How long has she been in this state?" "We have already found her like this. She was sitting in front of the corpse with the knife still in her hand. We don't know what happened. The only one who could answer this question is dead and she's apparently in shock or something. We've tried everything, but she doesn't say a word like she isn't there. She doesn't eat, she doesn't drink, she doesn't sleep, she doesn't even look at you when you talk to her. She's like a mindless doll. I don't know what to do with her! We don't know anything about her. She had no IDs with her. We don't know any age, no name, nothing! It's desperate I think it's best if you take her with you first.She cannot stay here, and as long as she does not speak, we cannot accuse her. "" I will of course be happy to take them with me, preferably immediately. I hope this is possible? " "Yes of course. I had hoped that they would agree and that everything was already prepared. "The door closes with a soft click behind the two of them, and the key is turned in the lock. I'm alone again. What does that mean? Where should I be taken? Should I make myself noticeable? No, I'll just keep going Pretend I am not aware of what is happening to me. A little later an officer enters the room, who almost roughly leads me out. I look at the floor. We go through a long hallway and then come into one large vestibule. Suddenly a shrill, tearful woman's voice: "Why did you do that ?! You damn murderess, why did you kill my child? I will make you suffer! Rely on it, you won't get away scot-free!"I just can't help it. Have to look her in the eye. See the hatred and pain that burns in you. Can't suppress a smile. Finally there is someone who knows that I exist. The woman is being held back by a great man." In his eyes, too, I see this wonderful pain. So these are his parents. I listen inside, but I feel nothing besides irrepressible joy. No remorse, no regret about my deed. And then we're outside. I'll get into the back seat Put my eyes back down. Staring at my hands. We drive a long time and it is already dusk when we reach our destination. I lift my head and look around inconspicuously. A high, wrought-iron gate rises in front of the car. It is just opening and we are driving slowly on. We stop in a large square. The door opens and hands pull me outside. I let everything happen to me. My gaze slowly slides to o ben.The entrance portal is gigantic. The whole building is like a castle. Towers and bay windows can be seen everywhere. The lock has a strange effect on me. I feel fear. The urge to just run away becomes overwhelming for a moment. A hand rests on my right shoulder. I don't pay attention to her, but I know it's the woman. When it starts, I just go with it. I hear the policeman get into his car and start the car. I'm afraid. Don't want to go into this strange castle. The gate opens. My reluctance is getting stronger. Then I cross the threshold. The hall is huge and shadows lurk everywhere. The gate slams shut with a thud. Suddenly it becomes clear to me what I have suspected since I saw the castle for the first time. I will not get out of here. I am a prisoner but the worst part is no one will miss me. I am lost.



I hope you don't have a bad opinion of me now, but you are probably right about everything!* Psycho laugh *

I already have quite a few ideas to continue writing, but first wait for your reactions if someone gives constructive criticism. So see you soon. The next part is probably coming in a week or so! Love you! amiel