Translation
Fanfic: Abschied
Subtitle: Gedanken und Gefühle
Chapter: entire short story
Farewell??? - Thoughts and feelings
Leila Beckett paced the hospital. Her best friend Cain had been in the operating room for a good five hours and it was already the middle of the night. She was insecure, afraid for him. He had been at great risk from birth due to a serious heart defect and now it had gotten so bad that he had to be admitted to the hospital two weeks ago to be able to do so on that day, December 24th. In 2004 he had an operation on his heart. But now she couldn't stand standing in front of the operating room. She decided to go to Cain's hospital room to find some distraction. There she shot the door, sat down on the bed, and thought about what had happened five hours ago. She remembered Cain saying goodbye to her just before the anesthetic started to work. He had told her he didn't want to say goodbye forever because it wasn't sure if he would die or not.She let her gaze wander around the room and noticed a red-bound book lying on the table next to the bed. She opened it and by chance came immediately to the last page written on. It was a journal, Cain's journal. She knew that it was not proper to read it, but she remembered at that moment that Cain had told her to read it, but only when the time came, when he had an operation. And the time had come. So she started reading ...
-
"12/17/2004
Today I felt it again, this pain. Again and again he pierced my chest, I thought it was over. I've endured this pain for as long as I can remember, but it feels stronger every time. How they flow through my whole body, starting from my heart. Now I'm even in the hospital and I keep wondering whether I'll live or whether death will catch up with me sooner than I ever feared. Am I really going to die now, at 17?It was clear to me from birth that I had a serious heart defect, but I never thought about what that actually meant for me. And today I lie here with death in front of my eyes. Is my fear written on my face? I dont know. I don't want to die, I know about that, but I am also aware that in a few days or weeks I will most likely not be alive anymore. I will need an operation, I know that, but I also know that it is so risky that the doctors tell me every day that I will soon no longer exist, that I should say goodbye to everyone before the operation. Will I just be gone when I'm dead Will I leave no gaps or grief anywhere? I ask myself so much, also whether I am wasting my remaining time here on earth with all my questions. You'll be dead soon, Cain, I tell myself every day. But I don't want to! I cling to my life so much I don't want to let goNeither from my family, nor from her, from Leila. It hurts to think about the fact that soon I might not see her smile anymore, smell her smell, no longer hear her voice and no longer be able to feel her presence. There are so many questions I ask myself, so many things on my mind. I feel sorry for myself, and this is one of the things I don't like. I just would have liked to go on living. And I don't want to say goodbye. The day is getting closer, but I doubt I have the strength to say goodbye forever. I can't just say goodbye to the people I love. If I didn't love, it would just be ... What to expect when I'm no longer here? Why is it even me who has to go? It's selfish, I know, but why am I? Why don't I have the right to go on living? I really would have loved to live. There is still so much that I would like to convey to the people around me, but I don't know if I will get to it.That's why I'm writing this now. And I'll write farewell letters too, simply because I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to leave this world and forget to say what I feel and what I want. "
-
A small, lonely tear rolled down Leila's cheek. Cain had never told her how he was doing. He probably didn't want her to worry. But now she at least had a vague idea of how it had been just a short time before. Cain didn't deserve to die. Not at 17, no. She was only seventeen and had a full life ahead of her. Meanwhile, more and more tears ran down her cheeks and her whole body ached with the heartache. If she had a right to live long and happily, so did Cain. "He mustn't die! That would be unfair ... He won't leave me alone ... He promised me to always be with me ...", she spoke to herself when she noticed that one of the doctors was in the door stood.She was startled and got up in shock, causing the diary to fall to the floor. "How is he?" - "At the moment there is still an operation going on and we don't know how he will survive it. But we will approach you when we know something. Is everything okay?", He asked while himself Leila asked how anyone could ask such a stupid question. "Yes. Everything is fine. I would just like to be alone for a while." The doctor nodded in silence, turned around and closed the door behind him. Leila picked up the diary and noticed an envelope that hadn't been there before. She sat down on the bed again, the envelope in her hands, and opened it. Inside was a letter from Cain addressed to her. She didn't know what to expect, but began to read, although she had already thought that afterwards she would be even worse than now.
-
"Dear Leila,
by the time you're reading this, I'm probably dead by now. But please, please don't cry for me.You may be wondering why I am leaving you this letter, I will tell you the reason. It's because I've always kept one thing from you until now. I assume that even in the end I didn't have the courage to tell you that in your face. I am really sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. Yeah i'm a coward Now when I look at this, I'm just plain stupid. But the way I know you, you will now say, I should finally get down to business. Well, the thing is, I love you. And I've always loved you My feelings have always been stronger than the best friendship we've had. But as I said, I never had the courage. I regret it now as I write this. Because I've always wanted to experience love in my life. But it's too late for that. Even if I had come to you in the last days of my life and confessed my love to you, it would have made no sense, even if you should feel the same for me that I don't believe.Do you think parting would have been more difficult for us? Leila, I would have loved to have known an answer. I would have loved to go on living with you, whether on friendship or more. But it is, as they say: whoever comes too late is punished by life. Yes it is. I know that now. There is something else you should know. If I'm anywhere now, I'll always think of you. I want you to know that I wish that you could have a wonderfully fulfilled life with everything you wish for. Please Leila, do me a favor and live the life I would have wanted. Get happy and die old with a full life, not like me. I wish you a man who really loves you and treats you as I would have treated you with all the love you deserve. You are a wonderful person and I don't want you to suffer. And please don't hate me for breaking my promise. I always wanted to stay with you, but I couldn't.My body couldn't take it. I am so incredibly sorry. But if I can, I swear, then I will watch over you from where I am now and take care of you. If you want to tell me something, I'll always listen when I can. I always wanted to do everything I could for you. I would have put the world at your feet. Now I sit here crying while I write this and everything hurts. I hope you never will. I will stop writing now. I hereby say goodbye to you again. But I would like to make one more request to you. Please do not forget me! The one who has been your best friend since you were born.
Farewell my angel (you always have been, you are and you always will be, at least for me)
I love you..."
-
Leila wept from the bottom of her soul. The shock was deep and the desire to have Cain with you increased ...
Her sobs echoed in the room. A gentle wind could be felt from the open window that she hadn't noticed before.It was a healing wind that somehow took away the pain for this moment. Leila was as if in a trance, as if locked in this numb space, which together with this wind numbed her emotions. She was sitting there in this state when the door opened, someone entered and with the sound of his footsteps ripped Leila out of this trance. She turned and looked blankly at the doctor who had just entered. The moment of truth had come.
Leila Beckett paced the hospital. Her best friend Cain had been in the operating room for a good five hours and it was already the middle of the night. She was insecure, afraid for him. He had been at great risk from birth due to a serious heart defect and now it had gotten so bad that he had to be admitted to the hospital two weeks ago to be able to do so on that day, December 24th. In 2004 he had an operation on his heart. But now she couldn't stand standing in front of the operating room. She decided to go to Cain's hospital room to find some distraction. There she shot the door, sat down on the bed, and thought about what had happened five hours ago. She remembered Cain saying goodbye to her just before the anesthetic started to work. He had told her he didn't want to say goodbye forever because it wasn't sure if he would die or not.She let her gaze wander around the room and noticed a red-bound book lying on the table next to the bed. She opened it and by chance came immediately to the last page written on. It was a journal, Cain's journal. She knew that it was not proper to read it, but she remembered at that moment that Cain had told her to read it, but only when the time came, when he had an operation. And the time had come. So she started reading ...
-
"12/17/2004
Today I felt it again, this pain. Again and again he pierced my chest, I thought it was over. I've endured this pain for as long as I can remember, but it feels stronger every time. How they flow through my whole body, starting from my heart. Now I'm even in the hospital and I keep wondering whether I'll live or whether death will catch up with me sooner than I ever feared. Am I really going to die now, at 17?It was clear to me from birth that I had a serious heart defect, but I never thought about what that actually meant for me. And today I lie here with death in front of my eyes. Is my fear written on my face? I dont know. I don't want to die, I know about that, but I am also aware that in a few days or weeks I will most likely not be alive anymore. I will need an operation, I know that, but I also know that it is so risky that the doctors tell me every day that I will soon no longer exist, that I should say goodbye to everyone before the operation. Will I just be gone when I'm dead Will I leave no gaps or grief anywhere? I ask myself so much, also whether I am wasting my remaining time here on earth with all my questions. You'll be dead soon, Cain, I tell myself every day. But I don't want to! I cling to my life so much I don't want to let goNeither from my family, nor from her, from Leila. It hurts to think about the fact that soon I might not see her smile anymore, smell her smell, no longer hear her voice and no longer be able to feel her presence. There are so many questions I ask myself, so many things on my mind. I feel sorry for myself, and this is one of the things I don't like. I just would have liked to go on living. And I don't want to say goodbye. The day is getting closer, but I doubt I have the strength to say goodbye forever. I can't just say goodbye to the people I love. If I didn't love, it would just be ... What to expect when I'm no longer here? Why is it even me who has to go? It's selfish, I know, but why am I? Why don't I have the right to go on living? I really would have loved to live. There is still so much that I would like to convey to the people around me, but I don't know if I will get to it.That's why I'm writing this now. And I'll write farewell letters too, simply because I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to leave this world and forget to say what I feel and what I want. "
-
A small, lonely tear rolled down Leila's cheek. Cain had never told her how he was doing. He probably didn't want her to worry. But now she at least had a vague idea of how it had been just a short time before. Cain didn't deserve to die. Not at 17, no. She was only seventeen and had a full life ahead of her. Meanwhile, more and more tears ran down her cheeks and her whole body ached with the heartache. If she had a right to live long and happily, so did Cain. "He mustn't die! That would be unfair ... He won't leave me alone ... He promised me to always be with me ...", she spoke to herself when she noticed that one of the doctors was in the door stood.She was startled and got up in shock, causing the diary to fall to the floor. "How is he?" - "At the moment there is still an operation going on and we don't know how he will survive it. But we will approach you when we know something. Is everything okay?", He asked while himself Leila asked how anyone could ask such a stupid question. "Yes. Everything is fine. I would just like to be alone for a while." The doctor nodded in silence, turned around and closed the door behind him. Leila picked up the diary and noticed an envelope that hadn't been there before. She sat down on the bed again, the envelope in her hands, and opened it. Inside was a letter from Cain addressed to her. She didn't know what to expect, but began to read, although she had already thought that afterwards she would be even worse than now.
-
"Dear Leila,
by the time you're reading this, I'm probably dead by now. But please, please don't cry for me.You may be wondering why I am leaving you this letter, I will tell you the reason. It's because I've always kept one thing from you until now. I assume that even in the end I didn't have the courage to tell you that in your face. I am really sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. Yeah i'm a coward Now when I look at this, I'm just plain stupid. But the way I know you, you will now say, I should finally get down to business. Well, the thing is, I love you. And I've always loved you My feelings have always been stronger than the best friendship we've had. But as I said, I never had the courage. I regret it now as I write this. Because I've always wanted to experience love in my life. But it's too late for that. Even if I had come to you in the last days of my life and confessed my love to you, it would have made no sense, even if you should feel the same for me that I don't believe.Do you think parting would have been more difficult for us? Leila, I would have loved to have known an answer. I would have loved to go on living with you, whether on friendship or more. But it is, as they say: whoever comes too late is punished by life. Yes it is. I know that now. There is something else you should know. If I'm anywhere now, I'll always think of you. I want you to know that I wish that you could have a wonderfully fulfilled life with everything you wish for. Please Leila, do me a favor and live the life I would have wanted. Get happy and die old with a full life, not like me. I wish you a man who really loves you and treats you as I would have treated you with all the love you deserve. You are a wonderful person and I don't want you to suffer. And please don't hate me for breaking my promise. I always wanted to stay with you, but I couldn't.My body couldn't take it. I am so incredibly sorry. But if I can, I swear, then I will watch over you from where I am now and take care of you. If you want to tell me something, I'll always listen when I can. I always wanted to do everything I could for you. I would have put the world at your feet. Now I sit here crying while I write this and everything hurts. I hope you never will. I will stop writing now. I hereby say goodbye to you again. But I would like to make one more request to you. Please do not forget me! The one who has been your best friend since you were born.
Farewell my angel (you always have been, you are and you always will be, at least for me)
I love you..."
-
Leila wept from the bottom of her soul. The shock was deep and the desire to have Cain with you increased ...
Her sobs echoed in the room. A gentle wind could be felt from the open window that she hadn't noticed before.It was a healing wind that somehow took away the pain for this moment. Leila was as if in a trance, as if locked in this numb space, which together with this wind numbed her emotions. She was sitting there in this state when the door opened, someone entered and with the sound of his footsteps ripped Leila out of this trance. She turned and looked blankly at the doctor who had just entered. The moment of truth had come.