For the last days of the vacation I locked myself in my room. It wasn't really necessary. My parents could hardly bother me. They were busy with their own business.

I drew like a madwoman. Of kissing lovers, lifeless bodies, pools of blood, murderesses with loose hair and confused eyes, of sharp knives, broken hearts, fallen angels with bleeding wings ... Everything that came to my mind.

I wrote poems for each picture. Poems about love and hate, light and darkness, pain and joy, life and death.

When I was done, I fell asleep satisfied (?!). I didn't have a nightmare, just felt the emptiness slowly eating away at me until my body dissolved into nothing. (You need a real occupation ...)

I didn't cry and I couldn't cry. The whole next day I didn't eat or sleep, reading one stupid book after another. (What did you want to do with it ...?) Then I took this cutter and used it to draw lines on my wrist.(Ouch ...) It was just good (?!) To see blood. My own blood (whose else ...). I feel a little relieved with every drop. A smile crossed my face. It was good like that. I finally returned to where I came from. Out of nowhere. Into nothing. Nobody could stop me this time. Nobody.

To add to my good mood, I took a jar out of my drawer and swallowed half a handful of it with a glass of water.

Now I was completely satisfied and closed my eyes.

I didn't know how long I sat in the dark wondering where I was. Then I saw a faint light in the distance. I saw a little girl who was sitting alone in a corner. She cried and called for her parents. But no one could hear them. Then I saw her fall into a ditch and ran to help her. But the trench was deep and my hand didn't reach her. She tried to climb up, but kept falling down.Her eyes looked straight at me. A look that is far too obscure for her age. Then she smiled at me and I shuddered.

Why was she laughing?

...

When I regained consciousness, I was in bed. The wounds on my arm had stopped bleeding. I wondered why I could still be here. The sleeping pill dose probably hadn't been strong enough. (Admit it, you didn't really want to die either!)

I sighed, waited until I could get up and bandaged my arm. Then I made myself a large meal, ate, and went back to sleep. (Doesn't your arm hurt a little ?!)

Then came back to school again. I tried to hide the bandage on my arm under a loose, long-sleeved sweater. This thing struck me as damn ridiculous, but nobody should have suspected anything about it.

My greatest fear was to see Yami again. What did he think of me now? Stupid question, he must have hated me now, never wanted to see me again and take revenge on me when I got the chance ... What else do I remember.Somehow I was in a good mood (you can't be saved). On the way to school I even hummed a little song and had to grin at my stupidity. It's a shame I didn't have my new red coat anymore. It had been pretty expensive. But I hadn't thought of that at all the moment I put it on Yami. I wouldn't have cared about that either.

When I arrived there were only a few. Everyone talked about their exciting vacation. Mine were unfortunately a little too exciting ...

Five minutes before class was due to start, I saw Yami enter the classroom.

I regretted going to school in the first place. (Go home!)

Yami looked tired and had dark shadows around his eyes. This made them look bigger and deeper. I read bitterness in them.

My heart twitched painfully. The initial unreal serenity was quickly gone. Why did it affect me like this when I saw him suffer?

I wish I could vanish but he saw me.I didn't understand his look.

I had never felt so guilty in my life.

The week passed without any special events. We didn't talk to each other and avoided each other as best we could.

That's it, I thought. My life could be as it was before. (Think ...)