That night I decided to stay with Yami. At home I had left the note on the tape that I was staying with a friend and staying there or something like that.

Yami was in my arms. I loved him. I kissed him to my heart's content and was happy.

Then he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

As soon as I heard his regular breathing in the silent darkness, my thoughts shifted.

No, I wasn't allowed to be here. This proximity was unbearable. I was afraid of the happiness that I now held in my hands and that threatened to fill my whole life and existence. I thought feverishly about how to get back to my cold, familiar world of loneliness that had become part of my life.

Yami, I didn't mean to do this to you. The moon shone through the blue curtain and illuminated his face. His long, black eyelashes and the blond rays around his calm face.

Why did I have to keep hurting him?Why couldn't I just enjoy love like a normal person? Why did I feel threatened in my existence now that my existence finally gained meaning?

It was so unfair. As far back as I could remember, it always only hit me. (You poor thing ...)

How much I hated it all. But I couldn't help it. There are people who would rather choose death than life, doom and destruction rather than victory and happiness.

I had a decision to make. Either I stayed and let myself be executed by this unbearable happiness, or I destroyed myself by walking away.

I'm so sorry, Yami ... It would have been too good, too good to be real ...

But believe me, I had always loved you ... I never lied to you on this point ...

I know you would never understand me

I got up quietly and got dressed. That couldn't be true. That should be another nightmare!All my love, everything that I had missed so longingly until then, was there and I was just about to leave her.

I just couldn't find the right words for that.

When I was done, I opened the front door and carefully closed it behind me.

The street and the houses shimmered in the silver moonlight. The stars greeted me and I remembered someone telling me something that I thought was pretty stupid at the time:

"They (the stars) are like your goals. You can never actually achieve them, but you can orient yourself by them."

But I no longer needed orientation. I had just turned my back on my goal.

The river shone, and the moonlight was reflected in it.

"Take me back to my boat on the river ~

I need to go down

Won´t you let me go down

...

Time stands still as I gaze in the water

She eases me down

Touching me gently

...

O the river is wise

The river he touches my life

Like the waves on the sandAnd all roads ...

... "

I only remembered that old song piecemeal. When I first sang it, I couldn't hold back my tears. (So ​​sensitive ...)

But now I didn't even want to cry.

.....

(What happened then? Why do you suddenly stop saying anything ?!)

I opened my eyes in the hospital. I was lying in a white bed, just like three others in the room. (Um ... May I know what happened in the first place?)

A nurse noticed me and came to me.

"You've been passed out for a week," she said. "They saw you fall into the river and got help just in time.

You were very lucky to be able to be here at all. "

A student on the way home from a party saw me jump and called the fire department.

There was a university near the river ... (Did they really celebrate nearby?) I remembered again.

"He comes to see you every day and inquires about your condition.But you were passed out ... He would surely come today. Then you can thank him.

He's studying medicine as far as I know. "

My savior was a somewhat shy-looking young man with brown hair and brown-green eyes (that’s not one from YGO!). He made a friendly and personable impression.

I had nothing against him (he saved you after all!) But I didn't have enough strength to speak much.

Fortunately, he didn't ask many questions either. Actually he just asked if I was feeling better, to which I just nodded.

"My name is Royaka.", He had introduced himself. (What kind of weird name is that?)

Nor did he ask me about that incident that night. I was really happy about that.

I was released home after a week. I hardly spoke a word to my parents, although I could clearly read the questions and confusion in their looks.

I still had two weeks until the next exams.Nobody in school knew what had really happened to me. The teachers got word that I was hospitalized. The classmates didn't even know about it.

The first challenge for me was of course to sit in a classroom with Yami again. Needless to say, he didn't look particularly happy.

He seemed visibly surprised that I showed up again. He must have wondered where I was all along. (Changed school? Just skipped?)

I just pretended I hadn't seen him and stared at the white wall in front of me the whole time. (Our walls are almost gray ...)