Summer came soon and I went to the outdoor pool in the afternoon, mostly alone. (Was the weather really so good every day?) Often I just lay on the meadow because the water was still a bit cold. (Oh ...) I had books and music with me and enjoyed the sun.

So the time passed slowly but surely and I regained my old balance.

The school year was drawing to a close. I had passed all the exams. (What a wonder of the world)

I wanted to change schools for the next school year. Then I would have to drive for half an hour every morning, but I wouldn't have to see Yami again. (What is the hate against him?)

I attended the school in question on a chosen day. It was big, painted white, just like any school. I went to the secretariat to inquire about the necessary documents. I had already spoken to the management of my current school. She had agreed to my change of school.

Then I went to the playground of the new school and looked for a place in the penumbra.This is where I would stay in the future during the non-teaching period. I would spend the rest of my school days at this school. I no longer have to be careful every day to avoid Yami and avoid his eyes.

Those days would be gone forever. The door of the past would close behind me. And always stay closed.

"Goodbye, Yami."

The dark green leaves above rattled in the warm summer breeze. I saw the rays of the sun shine through. They reached my eyes, my face and I felt their warmth. It was like a dream moment in reality.

I decided I would never feel the same again.

On the last day of school we got our annual reports. I had a good average, but compared to what I had to do, it became less important to me. I was aware that this would be the last day that I would spend with my school friends in this school.That day would never repeat itself. I felt the sadness inside of me. I hadn't told anyone about my imminent change of school. I would never see most of them again in my life.

Yami sat at his table and read his testimony. He must have had a better grade average than me. (Is that the only thing you're interested in?) And he didn't have to work half as hard on it.

He could handle any situation. Because he had an inner strength that would never let him down. He didn't need to mourn me. The whole world could be his if he only wanted it.

His life was to become something better than mine.

I had given up my life a long time ago. (What should I say about such an attitude ...?)

I packed my report card and followed the others out of the classroom. Now the holidays have officially started and we wished each other a lot of good and pleasant things. I felt the need to call out nice wishes to all of my classmates.But I didn't dare speak to Yami. He looked absent and aloof.

I spent the summer holidays with some old friends by the sea. (Not the whole vacation, right ?!) It was the usual fun you could think of. There wasn't much to say about that.

The days after that I continued at my new school. No surprises, nothing special, as always.

I felt less and less myself, and maybe that was for the best.

Yami and the others just disappeared from my life. And I gradually forgot that I had ever had another life.

I didn't feel either happy or particularly sad in me. My memories of violent outbursts of emotion gradually faded. I had put my pictures and poems away, stowed away in a thick folder somewhere under the bed, along with the many novels I once owned.

I had found a small part-time job in an office for the afternoons. I had to type things up, research information and take care of unimportant organizational activities.(Making coffee...)

I could imagine my whole life here at this little desk in the corner. (O my God)

I kept my distance from other people and didn't even bother to remember their names correctly. I was very little interested in anything that did not concern me directly.

Day in and day out I drove to school, sat in class, went shopping before I got home, went to work and came back in the evening, doing homework and watching TV. No pictures, no poems, no music and no books.

Time passed so calmly as if it could stand still.

I let my originally short hair grow quite long and tied it in a simple braid at the back. Otherwise I hardly ever wore jewelry and I didn't care much about make-up either.

I spent my money traveling and occasionally clothes.

I also collected colorful soaps, perfumes in small bottles and scented candles. I had a whole closet full of them and still couldn't get enough.I decorated my bare walls with pictures of volcanic landscapes and steaming lakes, sunken cities in the deep sea, the life cycle of a star, etc.

Royaka, my savior at the time, occasionally asked me if I could accompany him to dance parties. I had promised him most of the time. (No wonder if you lead such a boring life ...)

He was good at dancing and we harmonized as a couple. Still, I didn't mind whether he was with me or not. Occasionally he talked about himself and his difficult studies, I mostly only listened to him superficially. Then he asked a few things about me and I answered what I just thought of.

One day he also wanted to know how I found him. I then used the usual words like "nice", "friendly", "helpful", "sympathetic" ... He wanted to know more about it, but I couldn't think of anything else.

He told me that he found me attractive and beautiful, but that he could not understand me and that he wished to know more about my world.Then I waved my hand and talked all sorts of nonsense in order to satisfy him and finally calm him down.

Somehow he was straining me, this Royaka. So I canceled when he wanted to meet me again. (Want to be alone forever ?!)

In the new school I made some nice acquaintances over time. Sometimes we met to prepare for exams or just for fun. I didn't feel lonely or at home with friends. Neither particularly happy nor particularly melancholy. Neither dead nor alive.

I didn't feel my life anymore.