I see you. Day after day. Notice you for so long. Have seen you so many times, but never spoken to you. Always just smiling at you. You have changed me. I haven't been the same since you've been here. Everything is different. Your kind is so weightless. So open You say what you think You are completely different from me. You only have to look at me once and I grin all over my face. As soon as you turn away, my mood rushes into the depths. As soon as you talk to someone else, I can't help myself and break inside. Any laughter from you directed at someone other than me hurts me. Every look you give someone hits me deeply. Every time you walk past me without a word and don't look at me, I crumble a little more inside. Only the darkness remains. You hurt me So much. And can't see it.

This week everything was different. We have spoken. Have looked at us. Laughed together. Fooled around.You made me happy. As much as one person can do for another. I have to look at you all the time. Your black hair. Your bright, shining eyes. Your narrow nose and the cute mouth. Your smile. It all caught me. Made me forget All that happened. Just everything. Didn't see the tears that usually hide my view from inside. I no longer felt the pain of the wounds that always torments me, regardless of whether I was awake or asleep.

You just wanted to be nice. Just wanted to include me. Don't see me alone anymore Just wanted to help me. But I did not allow it. I hate myself for that. Hate me for blocking you Why couldn't I open up to you? Why couldn't I say what I really feel for you and just take you in my arms? So tight that even you can understand. Because the reason that I experience such ups and downs ... that's you!I can't go on like this anymore. Can't see anything anymore, because black tears of pain take my sight. It's the tears that you took from me You made me forget I don't know what it was like not to feel anything anymore. Until recently, I didn't even know I could still feel. But it's like it never was. I don't know the void anymore. Because you filled my emptiness with pain. I forgot to be true to my resolutions and to keep my distance from everything I am afraid of and what has hurt me. So far I have always run away successfully. But now. Now I can't do it anymore. 'Cause the darkness holds me tight And won't let me go anymore

Why do you let me break Why don't you see through my facade? Why do not you understand? You are so empathetic. Make people laugh. You heal their wounds. Why don't you heal mine You are so deep. Don't stop bleeding.Powerless I sink to the ground. Can't get up anymore. Feel how the darkness wraps itself closer and closer to me. How hopes are broken and how sharp blades race down on me. I scream tonelessly, but I don't evade I can not. Because ... I want to feel you ... want it so badly ... so badly that I can bear the pain ... because ... because it is ... your pain ... your pain that binds me and reminds me that I am only human ... only human like everyone else ... and ... nothing more ... no more ... and ... it ... never was. Even if I have always wished so much that I was something special ...

I'm jealous. And terribly conceited. Expect things from you that I cannot do myself. I can't understand myself. I can not be mad at you. You can't help it. You are not like me. And I'm not like you. And that's why I gave up. Not you. I can never do that. But the illusion. The illusion that you're laughing for me aloneThere for me alone And so I suffer in silence. Smile on the outside and drown in my tears on the inside. And everything is as it always is. Just like that.



~ END ~