Chapter 3: A Person's Emotions - Blessing or Curse?

Three days ... it had taken three days before I could talk again. My voice still sounded smoky, but I can now pronounce whole sentences ... Those last three days in which I could not, or at least barely, communicate were hell ...
When someone doesn't do what I want, I always use my fists ... but .. they were human's fists ... useless ...
Even Shippo, the little fox demon, danced on my nose ...
I hid from Miroku and Sango ... Kagome didn't tell anything about my situation, I didn't want them to find out THAT from me. I know the two of them, they would certainly plague accusations ... for not coming to my aid ...
I didn't expect it from them, this last minute help, it was a good thing ... Who knows what if they had followed me on the way to my last fight ... Last fight, yes, that fits well ... will I ever see Tessaiga's true form again?Will it vibrate?
But what I should be more concerned about right now is my justification to Kagome ... I had sent her back to her time instead of going with her ... I had promised her that I would explain it to her ... that was my first word that I uttered ... the affirmative "yes"
I dig in my memories for the reason for my deed, it was not worth making up an excuse ... as a person I was, by necessity, easily transparent ... I had already had my experiences with that ...
The reason ... what was it?
I felt the fear of death rising in me again at that moment ... that was it ... I felt the first time, as Hanyou, the fear of death. I was sure that I was going to die, I could already feel my spirits leaving me ...
Yeah, that's why I sent her back ... I didn't want her to look at it. But how am I supposed to teach her that? In this human form, I had no control over my emotions ... who knows what I would say if she changed the subject ...What kind of new fear is that spreading in me, the fear of embarrassment?
Another human feeling ... they take over, these feelings ...

"There you are! I've been looking for you the whole time!"
From my high seat in my tree, I saw a smiling face look up at me.
This would have shortened my time to think about it many times over. I thought through a few more sentences before I decided to jump off the tree with a daring jump.
Kagome took a small step back before looking at me with her haunted brown eyes. "You should take the medicine again ..." She held out another bundle of the herb, which now really smells extremely.
I turned it down for now ... I had more important things to do than to overeat myself with such a herb ... at least my thoughts were too far away ...
"But it will take longer ... until your voice is completely back!"I groaned loudly to myself and, like so often lately, looked at my hands ... the hands of a normal person.
Again a lot of thoughts shot through my head. The fact that 50 years ago I had actually decided on this life, but could not accept it now.
"It plagues you to be human ..."
I looked up. Her eyes filled with small tears, she wanted to cry, because of me? I immediately shook my head to show her this was wrong, I lied to her ...
"It's ... good ...", I said a little reluctantly, while a shiver ran down my spine ... actually I didn't want to lie to her ...
I tried to change the subject, that was the only thing that made sense.
"You ... wanted to know why I sent you back that evening ..." I began. I noticed immediately how her gaze changed, but instead of an expectant look, she looked at me with eyes that seemed to say "I already know!"She waited for me to start talking, but I just wanted an explanation for her look, which I already knew very well.
"You've already thought about it, haven't you?"
I looked at her more stubbornly and now expected an answer to the question I had just asked.
She averted her gaze from me before putting her thoughts into words in a low voice.
"I ... I ... yes, I've been wondering ... all nights ... I ... finally it occurred to me, last night! I remembered your look, I knew it it was pointless that you would go straight to the ground ... but ... I didn't want it to be true ... no, it shouldn't end like this ... "
The first tears ran down her cheeks and for the first time I noticed that she was also afraid at that moment ... afraid for me ... that was completely alien to me ...
I took her right hand between my own and searched for her gaze, which she had still averted from me.
"It's over ... I'm alive!"Now she turned her gaze to me and looked at me intently. She started to cry harder and I felt more and more helpless ... her thoughts were a mystery to me, her tears were not the solution.
I pulled her closer to me and hugged her tightly, hoping that this would drown my tears, but after a short time she withdrew from my arms and looked at me pityingly.
"Yes, you are alive! But at what price? You are human and what is beating inside you is no longer your heart!"
Your words hit me even though I only partially understood them ...
Noticing this, she took my hand in her own and placed it on my chest. At first I didn't know what she wanted to achieve with it, but when I breathed calmly for a moment, I felt that something was missing ... something that was normal and natural ...
It was the beat of my heart, it was missing!
I hastily felt my hand along various parts of my body until I realized that it was not there that Kagome meant before ...I felt the color of my face turn and I felt dizzy ...
Kagome put her hand on my shoulder before shortly afterwards she buried her face in my red suikan and her other hand in my fabric.
I was still shocked and couldn't move any of my limbs ... the need to hug her pushed me to lose myself in HER arms and just forget my sadness, my shock ...

We sat unchanged in one and the same place, sure for hours ... but neither of us could move, wanted to move. The same question kept pumping through my head for a long time. I didn't dare face her, destroy this calm ... She in my arms, so calm ... her crying had stopped hours ago, only her breathing and the lowering and raising of her chest assured me that she was still was there, leaning against me and buried in my suikan ...
It took a long time, but then I managed to break through the silence ... At some point I had to do it ..."Kagome ... please tell me ... if my heart isn't beating, why am I still alive?"
I clearly felt the twitch of her muscles and hoped for a possible answer from her side, but she was silent, for the time being ...
"It's ... it's the jewel ... it shines in your chest ... it shines brightly and almost blinds you ...
I looked down at myself reflexively, although it was clear to me that I could never perceive the glow of the jewel in me.
So that was the reason why I was still alive ... I wanted to see HER again and for that the jewel gave me life, a life as a living dead ...
My fate would someday be the same as that of Sango's brother Kohaku ... someday ... what would Kagome think? What would she do?
And why as a person? Why couldn't I, as a half-demon, have the jewel in me? At least that way I could protect it better ...
"Because it would be polluted in a half-demon ..."[i /]
I looked up, where did that voice come from?This sounded like I had heard this voice before ...
"Of course you know my voice, it was I who gave you your life back!"
I turned my mind and looked for this voice in my past, it had been her, this very voice had spoken to me that evening, this very voice had given me a choice ...
"Yes, that's me ... I introduced myself to you back then, I am the jewel, the soul of Midoriko!"


I remembered it darkly, that night, it was a pact with the devil that I had made ... what was I as a person? Just one person who further hurt Kagome and made him cry even more ... And at some point, then I'll die a second time, she'll cry even more, even more despair ... Was there no way out of this predetermined future?
"You are looking for a way out? You will die someday anyway, but you can spare Kagome all this ... your death would destroy her soul ... the only way to prevent this would be if you leave her behind, let her forget you ... "Should you forget me? But, didn't I want to come to life because of her, didn't I take on this fate because of her?
I stared at her, she was still in my arms as I spoke in my mind to a jewel inside me ... the very thought was absurd, but the consequences were clear ...
But could I leave her at all? Did I even have the courage to do so?

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