Chapter 8: My Secret, Your Secret ... why not OUR secret?

Her eyes so watery, so glassy and her hands trembled with the chain of curse in her hand. I would have loved to know what she was thinking now.
I waited for her reaction, I didn't care what kind of reaction she gave, whether she yelled at me or fell into my arms crying, I didn't care, the main thing was that she wasn't just standing in front of me and crying. Her tears, I had seen them too often and had always tried to avoid them, but right now, how could I relieve her tears? How could I stop it? After all, I was the culprit ...
Slowly I took the chain out of her hand again and cleverly hid it under my shirt, which had already received a few of her tears.
I averted my gaze from her, it hurt to see her cry like that again. As a human being even more like a Hanyou. As a Hanyou I would have just hugged her without thinking of the consequences, but as a person it was all a lot harder.I was weak as a person, not only physically but also emotionally, I was just weak ... I was with her again, stood in front of her, but couldn't stay forever because I couldn't protect her. If I couldn't protect her, then I couldn't stay with her either ... As a Hanyou, life was considerably easier ...
"I'm sorry ..." I stammered briefly to myself and took a few steps back.
Again I just left her there, I just left her behind, I could slap myself for it ... how could I just leave her there?
I felt the wind blow through my short black hair as if it wanted to tell me something, to say something I didn't understand. Was I doing the right thing? Was I doing what I really wanted, or just what that darn gem in me asked for?
I felt doubts seize me, terrible doubts, I regretted what I did. For the first time, I regretted what I did.She came closer to me again. Her look told me she was angry, but rightly so.
"How can you just leave me alone all these years? I was afraid for you, I was hoping for your return every day and now after ten years still dare to come here?"
Her voice sounded desperate and angry at the same time. It reached me at my most sore point, accusing me of things that I knew were true, that I couldn't possibly undo.
But I didn't want to tell her, no, she didn't need to know what I've been up to over the years, it was too late for that anyway. She would no longer understand me, no longer wanted to understand me, too much time had passed for that and the wounds were already too deep inside her, I could hear it in her voice and see it in her gestures. On her hands that clenched her chest and on the shaking that had dominated her whole body."Kagome ... I ..." I started, I didn't know what I wanted to say, but I HAD to say something, but she waved her hand away.
"No ... please don't say anything ... it just hurts ...!" She stammered and turned on her heel to come back.
"You started a happy life without me ... you have a child and certainly a dear man ... you have long since forgotten me!" I said in an apologetic voice, knowing that it was just talk .
But she stopped at my words and turned her tortured gaze to me again.
"A dear man? I only saw the little one's father for a short time ... I would have loved to never have seen this face ..."
Her eyes came again with thick tears, whereupon she turned away from me again and made her way back. Your answer hit me. I felt a bad wound scratching her, which made me collapse all the more.
Those ten years didn't seem to have gone well for either of us, but their wounds seemed deeper than mine, much deeper.Should I stay with her now? Should I try to calm her down again, to make her happy again?
So much time had passed, could I still do this?
Or should I look for a way to become a hanyou again? To come back to life? I had no option for Kikyou's path…. Who would give up their life for me?
I shook my head furiously and looked again in the direction in which she had just disappeared. I had to make that decision, but not now. I was upset, in this condition I couldn't possibly make a decision.
Without my hearing it, I was already moving back to the village. Back to the place I should have never left, I should have died on that fateful evening. I should have died, it would probably have hurt her, but she never had to wait for me.
What had she actually suffered? Why would she have loved to never see this man's face?I didn't understand….
I came back with lowered eyes and the eyes were on me, no wonder, hadn't Kagome followed me into the forest and hadn't she returned crying? What did people think of me now? Why did I actually want to know? I couldn't care what you thought, if you had to imagine everything in your imagination, what was it to my business ... What was this village to my business anyway? I didn't belong here for a long time, I was wrong for a long time, the people who once knew and accepted me had either died or were too old to have anything to do with me at all….
"Inu ... Yasha ...", I heard the gentle sounding voice again. At first I believed that it was Kagome that she came to confess something important to me, or that she forgave me for falling into my arms. I don't know what else I was imagining, but my hopes were pushed back by the little child's face.Back to the little area in my head that could still hope.
"Mia ..." I said briefly when I looked disappointed into her innocent eyes. She was more like her mother than I thought.
"You know?" She asked with a hurt smile. I immediately averted my gaze from her. Her eyes were just as captivating as those of my Kagome ... my Kagome ... was I even allowed to call them that? Was she still the Kagome I left behind?
I gave a slight nod, whereupon she followed my gaze, she was really pushy, like her mother.
"Did she tell you EVERYTHING?"
I stared at her in amazement and examined her look again, which was suddenly so completely different. So mysterious and yet sad ... I shook my head, I really only wanted to speak when it was necessary, why should I speak too, it wouldn't do anything anyway. I noticed how senseless the world seemed to be when I was now really actively feeling my helplessness."She didn't tell you what happened to you for years? Although it's no wonder, it took me a long time before she told me, and I'm her daughter ..."
I felt her delicate hands, which were placed in mine, as she pulled me away ... Again and again I remembered how similar she was to her mother.
There was silence for a long time, during which time we moved further and further away from the village. At some point her steps slowed and she took a deep breath:
"My mother ... it has been ten years since you left her. She told me about the night that you were so strange that you had the jewel in you and that you said such strange words ... She believed , it would have just been one of your "phases", but when you did not return after a long time, she really worried. She began to believe your words, as much as her heart forbade her.
Miroku and Sango had long since left the village and Shippo found relatives to visit.They all left Kagome alone, all ... you too ... She sank into grief and became depressed. This blocked her priestess skills. Even if she is still wearing the robe of a miko, she no longer has any powers. Then ... that evening nine years ago ...
It had been exactly a year since you disappeared. Her depression had weakened her very much and Kaede was in the neighboring village at the time. Kagome went to the old tree, again hoping for your presence. She even told me that she supposedly saw you there ... but it was apparently just an illusion, created by her grief ... "
I listened intently to her words and didn't even notice that she was leading me more and more to the tree in question. Only after she stopped talking and turned her gaze to this tree did I stare in astonishment at the broad treetop.
It was so long since I last saw the tree with those eyes. It was as if I was sitting Kagome by this tree, buried in her hands ... Tears ran down her cheeks and a sting in my heart made the past come alive for a short time.But Mia's voice traveled back to me immediately before I could take a step up the tree, believing in this unreal Kagome.
"... unfortunately soldiers had rested nearby ... They were drunk and found her sitting here ... her depression made her too weak, she couldn't defend herself ..."
With that she ended her story. This ending, it felt like a bad fairy tale to me, didn't always end up saying: And if they haven't died, are they still alive today?
I turned my head aside to hide what was forming in my heart ... Despair, remorse and fear ... Fear of looking into the eyes of the person I have longed for all ten years ...
"... why are you telling me all this?" I said in a slight whisper, so that was the only one who could understand, although nobody was around ...
She waited a moment, as if she wanted to answer this question herself for the time being, but then her delicate voice came out calm and calm."Because I hope you can heal her wounds ... old Kaede died, you're the only one she still has ... I don't want it to end like this ..."
In her words I could tell her concern, she was more worried about her mother than any other child her age. She seemed to have tried a lot, her children's laughter had long since disappeared, she was only eight years old ... and yet SHE took care of her mother, whose grief was already so deep ...
Did that find my answer?
Yes….
Yes, I now found my answer, I had to heal your wounds, I HAVE to protect you, as a person, as Inuyasha ... but how?