Without language there was no thinking, she remembered reading somewhere and trying to let only white noise in her brain.
No matter what she did, what she tried, it just didn't work. She had to think, no matter how you defined it and under what aspect you understood the concept of thinking. Thinking is much more than sitting down and thinking about a topic. When you remember a deceased person, the first thing that comes to mind is the face, or shared experiences that lead to beautiful and sad memories. Finding synonyms for thinking is not easy. There were far too many ways of thinking, thinking about something, combining something, thinking mathematically and solving difficult tasks, thinking chemically to set up reactions and formulas, becoming aware of things.
And the last one also applied to her. To make yourself aware of things again, it was so difficult, you had to remember again, to remember events that you would have wanted to forget, even if you couldn't.
Now she had to think about how she sat with her on her last day in the café and talked to her about her possible problems. Why did she just lie? If she had said something, she would still be alive, there would have been a way. And now she was gone, she had just found out then. All of a sudden she was torn from her thoughts and had to be strong. So strong that the organization didn't notice the pain. It was almost impossible and she hadn't made it, threatened to stop if she didn't find out the motives for the murder. But she should have realized that the organization would not respond and still, the only thing she could do as a souvenir of her sister was to finally stop working for these criminals.
The young girl sank back in her chair, took a photo out of the desk drawer and looked at it.She could hardly hold back her tears and yet she always told herself that she had to be strong, that she shouldn't show any weakness. It was the same every day. Every day she tried, all the time, in her, no in the laboratory of Professor Agasa, which she was allowed to use, to work on an antidote for the APTX4869. All the structures of the molecules, all the reactions, their conditions, all of this she had to try to reproduce. The old data no longer existed, the work became all the more difficult, but in her head there was still some information about the poison produced, somewhere in her it was, locked, forgotten, with the hope that it would someday come back to the surface would be flushed.
It took a long time, far too long, there were already a few prototypes, but the effect had dissipated after 76 hours at the latest and Shinichi expected that there would soon be an improved antidote that would enable him to last longer than just three days to be himself again. She didn't want to disappoint him, wanted to be big again, even if it was said that it would be harder for her against the organization, but being small hadn't had any great advantages.
Ai's research for an antidote had been going on for so long, it was sometimes hopeless, hopeless, and yet she didn't want to give up. Not only did she do it for herself, but also for everything she believed in. She didn't want to imagine who the men in black were giving the poison to and what effect it had on the whole population. What was the matter with her? Before, she hadn't thought of what would happen to people if they swallowed the poison, but now everything was different. Everything around her had changed, but it wasn't like that, her surroundings hadn't changed, she had changed. And yet she didn't do it for herself, no longer for Conan, but for her late sister.She was always so responsible and helped when you had problems. Akemi was an angel, always there for you, no matter how badly she felt, she put her problems aside, other people were much more important to her. And that's exactly why Ai wanted to go on living for her sister, at her grave she had promised it, even if she would prefer to be with her. What else did she have? Her parents were dead, Akemi was dead and Shinichi had almost caught it several times. She was like a magnet that attracted the most terrible things. All the people she knew suffered and their common denominator was Shiho Miyano. A black cloud hung over the girl, the one that consciously took away all people who ever had a meaning.
Kudo had almost caught it so many times, over and over again he put himself in danger and that only because he wanted to help her. He had been important to her, even if Ai would never admit it. Shinichi was the only one who knew her situation, understood it and was there for her when she got stuck. He just knew what to say and she was mostly in a better mood again, even if she had just played it a few times. But besides Shinichi, she had had someone else. Professor Agasa, the one who took her in, was found lying in the rain in front of the entrance gates, he looked after her, cared for her, gave her everything she needed. If she thought about it right, then he was like a father to himself, he gave her warmth, satisfaction and most importantly, she got security from him. But there was also the fear that if something happened to him, she would never forgive herself for it in life, the organization was not allowed to find out anything about him, they simply weren't allowed to.
She looked at the photo again, she couldn't stand the sight for more than three minutes. It had to go again, disappear back into the drawer and only see the light of the lamp again the next day.Haibara leaned halfway over the lab bench and massaged her temples. The memories had been too many, she no longer wanted it, but could not escape it.
"No thinking without language," she repeated the sentence she had read. But language alone did not stimulate thought. At night, dreaming in your sleep, that too was a special form of thinking. Dreams were different, they arise without control and reflect our subconscious and with Shiho it was worst. Wishes, joy, experiences, but also sadness and suffering were compensated for and found their climax in their dreams. Every night she woke up drenched in sweat, her thoughts on her sister, her death in front of her again and again and the feeling that there was nothing to be done about it.
From a psychological point of view, our thinking is determined by many experiences, experiences and impressions of our perception. Thinking does not follow any rules, as it comes about, you just have to accept it, you can no longer change it.
How much she missed her. She missed Akemi so much, but she couldn’t change her condition, nor was she accepting him, she hated gin too much for that. It was his fault, he had done all this to her and didn't even regret it.
Now she wished that there was no language, because then she would no longer have to think about all that. It should stop, the bad memories should finally stop, disappear, be erased. The young girl got the idea. If it was possible to develop a remedy that would shrink a person, then surely it would also have been possible to create a remedy that erased memories or, as in amnesia, held them back long enough. How much she wished it, but she had to keep it a secret, the other two simply would not understand it, not accept it and would try to change her mind. She could truly see it in front of her."Have you gone completely crazy?" Conan would want to know. He couldn't believe what Ai was up to. She just couldn't mean it, a bad joke on her part, that was what she was doing.
"I know exactly what I'm doing," replied the girl, she had no insight on the subject. Crossed her arms and just looked at her counterpart, in her eyes you could tell that she was very serious and that she couldn't be stopped.
"You can't do that, Haibara. The memories belong to the existence of every person, including you. Your memories and experiences made you into the person you are now", Conan interjected. How could she even think of that? "Why? Why do you want to do this?"
"Soon the day of her death ... I want to erase the pain, the agony of having to think about it forever. I don't want to anymore!"
"Don't do that. You would only regret it and if you remember at some point, just because the effect wears off, it will only be more painful and you will suffer more. Besides, it is worth it to you that you might forget your sister forever countered the little one. Deliberately forgetting something was a bad business and Ai was not allowed to do that. She couldn't forget, had to be stopped, even if he could understand her actions, but it couldn't be.
"No," shouted the girl, sank to the floor, hands in front of her face. She didn't want to hear any more, didn't want to hear that there was also the danger that she would forget her sister forever. With that Conan gave her the rest, that way he could only dissuade her and maybe he had known and therefore said it.
"Think about it. It's not what you really want. You know better yourself, don't do anything that you would regret later. It wouldn't be in Akemi's sense," he sighed and took her carefully in his arms .Again he experienced an outbreak of feelings in Ai, again it had been bad for him too. Akemi had died in his arms and he couldn't do anything about it, couldn't save her, everything too late, he was too late, even if Akemi had expected that she would die. Like Ai at the beginning, Conan blamed himself for the misfortune, but tried to be there for Haibara.
Now that she thought about what Conan was going to say, she realized he was right after all. She would regret it, would not want to forget Akemi, after all she was the only one who still thought of her sister, the only one who had the memories of her. Inside, she felt that it was better not to forget that it would have been for the best and yet it hurt, hurt infinitely.
There was no thinking without language, that just didn't exist. You just had to think, even if you didn't want to. The brain worked all the time