Don't be surprised, I always start right in the middle. ^^;
Just write scenes, so to speak ...

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He turned his desk chair to face me and gave me a piercing look. "L?", I asked a little confused and the sight of it caused me tingling discomfort, I could never look into his eyes for long, for fear of suddenly blushing, this time I did it anyway.
"Star, I think I fell in love with you," he said all of a sudden. Just because. As if it were something completely natural, to say the least. There was an insane conflict within me. Was he serious? Was he really serious? My body swayed between hot and cold, tremors dictating my movements. I was so happy, I couldn't describe it, he felt like me, said feelings that had been suppressed up until then had top priority, my brain stopped.

I was so happy, but at the same time I could feel a passed out pain that made me cry. There was nothing to be done about it, tear by tear found its way down my cheeks, I sobbed without wanting to. It hurt so much. L immediately winced and jumped up, completely confused. "I'm sorry!" He shouted like a child who didn't know what, but that it had done something wrong. "No ...", I whimpered and stepped back from him, my eyes saw everything only veiled and when I step back I tripped over some cable and fell roughly to the ground. Why did he say that? I suddenly realized why it hurt so much. It wasn't real.

Lawliet, L, he had said exactly what I wanted to hear, what made my dreams come true, but why did he do that? I couldn't make out any feelings from his tone of voice. It wasn't real, definitely not. And I was so happy, I cried over my own weakness. He had certainly not said it to hurt me, maybe he wanted to say what I was happy about, but was much more certain that it was part of one of his incomprehensible, impenetrable plans.

Why did people tell me I was intelligent? Why did Wammy take me into his orphanage to make me an assistant to L's? He didn't need that. His intellect was so superior to mine, I couldn't understand his thoughts, couldn't get through to him. I felt my broken pride, broken by the fact that I loved him. I used to think he was just strange, I didn't want to be an "assistant", now I felt the same thing. He could manipulate me as he wanted, because despite the fact that I did not want to be subordinate, it was now my dearest wish that I would be close to him as a result, I had betrayed myself. I had gotten so weak.

But I didn't want to give up my love, these feelings were so incomprehensible, so beautiful.I didn't want to give up L. For me, his words were the most beautiful there were, but they couldn't be real. He came a step closer again, desperate, cautious, as if I were a deer in the forest that would scare away if I made a wrong move. L knelt in front of me, leaned over, but I just turned away from him, broken. He couldn't touch me now. I was as poor as I whimpered and sobbed here, guided exclusively by feelings, betrayed my pride, humiliated myself. If he touched me now, my will would be broken and I would be at the mercy of him for good. My emotions had triumphed over my mind.

And yet I wished for nothing more at this moment than to feel its warmth through my clothes on my skin. I wanted it. My body and my mind. It wasn't my feelings that overcame my mind, my mind had given up. I had surrendered. Lost forever. My tears stopped, my breathing calmed down. I looked at L again, his gaze tore me inside again and the next moment I found myself in his arms. He hugged me gently, hesitantly. He wanted to say something, but didn't, why was he so unsure? I couldn't turn away from him. I didn't lose. "I'm sorry ..." he whispered as if he had been in pain from the sight of me and held me tighter. I didn't lose. Because the person I loved had first given up in the fight against the irratonality of emotions.