I often wonder why it had to hit me. WhyIand not someone else became Anbu. I admit, at first I thought it was great. The secrecy about what I was doing while the others were doing boring missions or exercising. Nobody knew when I would just disappear where or when I would come back. At that time I felt free, incredibly carefree.
But over time I just couldn't deal with it anymore. It was my job to protect my village and its kage. Killing was often associated with this task. I persecuted, kidnapped and interrogated people by any means. Always careful not to leak anything to the public.
That means that I was never allowed to tell anyone about it, not to speak to anyone about my actions and fears. I swore to keep silent. To say anything would mean my death. With the best will in the world, I cannot afford to commit treason. It would end my suffering, but it would bring shame on me and my clan.
Nobody knows that I am a member of the Anbu, only the Hokage. Neither my parents nor my friends, who have become fewer and fewer over time. I'm alone with it, have to tell lies to everyone I know to keep my disguise.
I haven't been the happy kid that I used to be for a long time. Because as soon as I come back from a mission and take off my mask, I immediately put another one on again. An invisible one, but it does not fail to have an effect. Nobody knows what it looks like inside me. Nobody really knows me. Everyone thinks I'm happy. But I am not. My work destroys me inside, breaks me, breaks me. I'm a wreck, but nobody sees it.
My life is one lie I don't want all these lies anymore, I don't want to give my loved ones the uncertainty as to whether I will come back at all. Because if I died on a mission, I would be burned and everyone would think I ran away. Nobody would ever know that I was long ago dead.
To protect the people I love, I can't take any chances. I always have to hide my tattoo, the sign that I belong to the Anbu. I mustn't fall in love, because then I would set other priorities, put both of us in danger.
Back then I made the wrong decision and now I can't change it. I can't stop, not now. Even if it tears me apart, I have to do it. It is my job to obey Kage's orders.

It's my own personal curse.

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