Deafening silence. Inside and around me.
I can taste it, its warm, stale taste. I can feel the cut thick indolence of silence.
And with the silence is the pain. He has fought his way out from within, stands in front of me, envelops me, fills me completely. He doesn't make me think clearly, don't think at all, just pain. I can feel it in my body and the hot, biting cold in my stomach.
This time he cannot be suppressed, cannot be pushed away into the deepest depths of the place that I call the soul. It doesn't wait until it has faded, until it is covered with what others see of me. This pain is dull and sharp, takes my breath away and takes my hold. He tears me off my feet only to pull me back up and start over. There is no end, no breather, just pain.
I see their eyes, their eyes accusing me, the pain in them. But her pain is different. Disappointment. Your gaze burns into my body, strengthens the pain, nourishes it like dark flames. I want it to stop, but I am not heard. There is no reason, it has to be that way.
Unwept tears burn in my throat, I feel them with every tormenting breath. I want to squeeze them out of me, give them freedom, but they don't reach my eyes, they never do that. They get stuck in my throat and drown me in them. I can taste it, the salt of my grief, of my pain. But no one else will ever taste it. I am forbidden, my body and mind forbid me. It would ease the pain, take some nourishment from the flames. It would call out to someone to stand up for me, but it can't be like that.
I have to freeze to death alone in the flames, have to allow the pain and let myself be devoured. My heart beats faster, don't want to be torn by the guilt in her eyes. It screams, but it won't be heard. Nobody listens to him, nobody is ever allowed to hear it.
I try to calm the flames, but they are stronger. Stronger than ever, stronger than I've ever been, ever can be. I alone.
One word and I could breathe again, one gesture and I could think again. But there is silence in me and there is silence around me. It doesn't obey me, the mouth and my body don't obey me either. Has he ever obeyed me? What should I do. It doesn't get better, it gets worse if I can't break the silence.
I want to scream, fight, cry, but nothing works anymore. The black flames paralyze me, numb my body, fire my mind.
Why doesn't anyone see them? Nobody should see them! It is my fault that their unspoken words, their silent accusation, say so too.
Who was always there in the past? Who saw the flames then? Who else pushed back my pain, let it fade away? I wasn't always alone.
I do not know it anymore. Everything is paralyzed in the white dark of the fog, in me and in the flames.
Who should find me now? Who will now find the little me who succumbs desperately to the flames in my body?
I want to express myself no matter how. But it doesn't work. The I is dying. A little more every second. It screeches, pleading for help, but the pain also settles in its throat. Silences it, suffocates it; drown in the flames.
Until there's nothing left. Everything is consumed by black flames of pain and guilt.
But all I see are her eyes. And they promise a lot more pain than the flames ever could. Lost.
It's pointless, the inner self gives up, doesn't want to fight anymore, just sleep.Sleep forever and ever, away from the pain, away from guilt and those eyes. Never wake up again, never have to be strong again, never live again. Just die and sleep, get to a place that is inaccessible even to the flames.
The mute resignation fuels the suffering, delights in the despair of weakness. Captured the ego, torn apart, swallowed up, hides it from me.
I give up, I give up.
Let go of the resistance, no longer worry about the empty phrases that the paralyzed head has formed and that the mouth could not speak.
Let me be buried under the thunderous masses of the waves, let me free, no longer think, no longer feel, no longer be.
The expression in the eyes changes. What does he say? I can't see it anymore. Anxiety? Disgust?
My body is shaking. Is it because of the icy storm of flames that blows through my veins and inside? I dont know. Maybe it's just my racing heart that makes my body pulsate in time.
The final question my mind can shape revolves around this particular nameless person who has been with me otherwise. The rattling breaths that managed to be done rustle in my ears, mingling with a piercing high pitched sound. And then silence. Hopefully forever.