Hello you! So, it took quite a long time again but this time I think it didn't turn out that bad, but as always I would of course like to know your opinion on my writing and what would be particularly important to me this time is what goes through your head if you the ff read. I hope you can read it better this time! And thank you for the commis * you guys tightly * So have fun !!



My thoughts are racing and yet I cannot come up with any logical way of escaping this situation. This mountain of meat is getting closer and closer and his lips curl in a diabolical grin. I can see myself in his eyes. Wide eyes, lank hair, small and thin.

What is he thinking right now? What would I think in such a situation? I would probably be intrigued by this fear and feel a sense of power. Does he feel the same Can he even smell my fear?

I can do it. Feel the fear inexorably rising with it. Feel my eyes widen wider and wider. My knees feel like they're made of jelly.

Suddenly his hand jerks out and this guy grabs my wrist. I try to free myself, but his grip feels like my wrist is in a vice. Relentlessly, he squeezes harder and harder. The pain brings tears to my eyes. A low sound of pain escapes my lips.

And yet I welcome the pain. He's like an old friend. It drives away the fear and I become calmer. I was at the mercy of fear, but I know my way around pain. Pain is not my enemy. They have helped me remember that I am still alive many times. But I'm helpless in fear. I cannot defend myself against fear. I try to be particularly courageous or aggressive, but I can't overcome my fear that way, but I can fight pain, accept it or even greet it.



The pain is still there and the tears still obscure my gaze, but more importantly, the fear is gone. This guy can't hurt me as much as I've hurt myself for years. I just block out the pain. I'm really good at that. I am a true master in repressing pain, regardless of whether it is caused by others or it comes from inside me. I just ignore them.

When I'm alone thinking about why I'm alone, I just stop thinking. I go somewhere and look for people who are even dirtier than me. There aren't many, at least officially, but actually they're everywhere. All these people who take refuge in drugs. These addicts. I despise her and yet I am no different. I also run away, fade out, only I made it without drugs. I don't need drugs to escape this world for the simple reason that I've accepted it.I have given up and actually resigned myself to being alone.



The thoughts that go through my head when I see someone happy. I hate these people too. I hate them for being happy, for not realizing how good they are, but most of all I hate them for having everything I want, for being what I want to be . I hate them all and yet I don't care. I despise her and still I want to be like her. I want love from them and yet I am not strong enough to get involved in any relationship. I'm like a little child, I want something and I can't or won't give anything for it. I am small and weak and in a world where only the strong survive, I have no chance and never had one. I dissolve in self-pity.

But in the long run, even I cannot suppress everything. At some point everything bursts out of me. I'm sitting somewhere and all of a sudden I start crying.How should one live like that? I've always been careful not to think too much, I've always looked for people who are worse off than me, to convince myself that I'm actually still good, but what do I care about the shit of others when I'm shit myself? I always didn't care if others were worse off than me, as long as I was fine, but I was never fine. I don't have a single happy memory. Only bad ones! Could it be that I never knew what love was or did I just forget it? Can 1000 bad memories simply infect a good one and also turn it into a bad one, or is there just something wrong with my basic attitude? Am i really that bad? Maybe I don't deserve anything other than all these mental torments, even if I inflict most of them on myself.

I feel like I'm being punished, but I don't know what for. Perhaps it is clear from the start whether you will be a good person or a bad one.But what do these terms actually mean? Can you be really good or bad? Can you even say what is good or bad? These terms are unreal! Not applicable. Good and bad are defined differently for everyone. There are rules, but rules can be bent until you have achieved what you want. You can tell yourself to do the right thing anytime, anywhere. It is always right for yourself, even if you know very well that it is wrong. But what is right and what is wrong? Does what everyone says always have to be correct? Can you actually ask someone to always do the right thing?



I killed someone. For me that was the only right thing at that moment and for me it was also good. I don't see myself as a bad person. I had to kill this man or die myself. Maybe not physically, but I think otherwise the last remnant of myself would have just died. I wouldn't have lived anymore.How can it be that something that is wrong for everyone else can be so right for yourself? How can it be that I only feel alive again after killing someone, and not because of the killing, but because I wanted attention. Did someone have to die first for someone to realize that I even existed?

It's all so pointless. I haven't actually achieved anything. I am still not perceived as a person. The dead man's parents see me as a monster, but I also think they worry about the "Why?"
Rolf's grip loosens, but I know that he can grip harder at any time. He just goes off. He doesn't care if I move my legs. He just pulls me after him. I follow him like a mindless doll.The room remains behind us. He pulls me up stairs and through long corridors. I do not offer any resistance, I just try to look closely at my surroundings. The walls are white and unadorned. Everything looks old and yet somehow not. I can't say exactly how many stairs Rolf took me and how many corridors we walked down. There are doors everywhere, the corridors and stairs all look the same. I have completely lost my orientation. This castle must be huge. Rolf suddenly stops and I almost bump into him. He opens a door and just pushes me through. The room is small, has no windows and, as far as I can see, no furniture.



Then the door closes behind me again and there is complete darkness. I wait for my eyes to get used to the darkness, but nothing happens. I turn around and look for the doorknob, but I can't find it. It's like there never was a door.My hands slide over the wall and look for an irregularity in the structure of the wall, for a gap, but I can no longer find the door. I knock the wall but it always sounds the same. I'm trying to find something that will distract me. The darkness is complete. I can't even see my hand, no matter how hard I try to see something.

My hands slide mechanically over the wall. It feels very smooth and cold. The floor also feels smooth and cold, as if it were made of stone. The room is almost square. I finally crouch in what I believe is across from the door and press my body firmly against the wall. I embrace my knees with my arms and pull them close to my body. I'm cold and hungry and thirsty. I sit and wait, wait for something to happen. Wait for an explanation, but no one comes.

How long have I been sitting here now?Hours? Days? I dont know. What are these people going to do with me? Why is nobody coming? There has to be a logical explanation for all of this, but I can't think of any. How long are you going to let me sit here like this? What are you waiting for, or maybe you are not waiting for anything? Do you want to just let me sit here until I go crazy? No, I mustn't think of such a ridiculous thing. This is an insane asylum, after all, and only in bad films does it happen that any patient is locked up to see what happens next. It doesn't happen in real life.

But is that also true? Did the man I killed believed that something like this could happen to him? Who seriously thinks they'll be stabbed in the supermarket? Something like that just doesn't happen, at least not to yourself. You only read about something like this in the newspaper, but you never waste a thought that something like this can happen to you.So why shouldn't it be possible that they'll just let me sit in the dark until I'm half mad from thirst? If you know for sure that you have to do without something for a long time, you absolutely want to. I just have to remember that I can't drink anything now and I'm getting thirsty.

My mouth is drying up. I try to distract myself. To distract from this feeling of thirst, from this darkness. It's getting worse and worse. I hear my breathing quicken. My heart is racing. My body is drenched in sweat.



The fear is back. She's trying to take control of me. I am paralyzed. I cannot defend myself against this fear. There is no reason for it. Everything is fine! It's dark, so what? I am not afraid of the dark. Where is my strength? I will calm down very quickly now. I focus on calming my breathing and really, my heartbeat is slowing down.

I feel tired like I've been walking for a long time. Then why don't I just take a nap? I want to close my eyes, but I can't. I just can't close my eyes !. I try over and over, but I can't keep it closed for more than a few seconds. As soon as they close, my heart starts racing. I breathe badly and tear it open again, frightened. It doesn't really make a difference whether my eyes are closed or open. Either way, I don't see anything but darkness. But as soon as I close my