can do is get back to my world. There the pains will certainly be smaller, less meaningful. I will never be able to forget the deed, but the pain will be less! I'm sure! Where do I get this security from? I dont know. It's just a thought. A thought like many others and yet stronger, more meaningful, more convincing.



Kira is lying in a bed that was put in our room. I look at them. Her expression is also tense. I wonder why? 'Protect and comfort Nini! 'I say to her in my mind. Because I have made up my mind: I will return!



But how do I want to do it? How can I go back? Without a closer destination in mind, I wander through the corridors. And with me this pain. Not just in my head, but in my soul, in my heart. I would love to tear it out alive, as much as it hurts. I don't even feel the cold ground under my bare feet.My inside is already cold, my outside doesn't matter.



I come into a large room with strangely shaped rods on shelves. One thing catches my eye immediately: it is the one with whom I murdered the dark 'light'. Without knowing why I take it.



My eyes widen when this idea pops into my head. No, that's crazy! I cannot and will not do that! But there is this voice. That flattering voice in my head that makes me feel good. She is right! She is absolutely right. The main thing is that I get rid of my pain! The murder was bad enough, a second isn't so bad! I doubt it will come to that, but I'll do it in a pinch! No, I will not hesitate! Because it is the only way to escape this pain. They're so bad, one more murder can't make them much worse!



And so I keep walking, finally with a goal in mind that will help me escape this pain.Again I wander through the corridors, this time faster. I open every door I pass and peer inside. But strangely enough, I haven't met anyone yet. And so I keep walking. I'm getting restless. What if there is no one here? How am I supposed to get out of this damn castle, out of this world? When we visited this city we were teleported. What if this building doesn't have any doors? Panic is growing in me, I'm almost running. The pain and memories catch up with me right away, I can feel her hot breath on my neck. The corridor is over! There is a big door in front of me. Without thinking I open it.



They are still sleeping peacefully in their beds. Their expressions are relaxed, they don't seem to be concerned. Neither about me, nor about Nini, Kira or the many lights that perished today! No, you sleep here peacefully, securely and without worries. But not for long! My hand grips the gun more tightly and my thumb slowly moves to the fire button.



I think one last time. One last time I fight the pain, try to suppress it. But it doesn't work, on the contrary, the pain gets worse. I have to do it! I walk slowly to Michael's bed, hold the gun to his head and slap him on the face. He wakes up amazed and shocked, but stirs because he looks exactly into the 'barrel' of the weapon.

“Come on, get up, but slowly!” My voice sounds cold and numb.



"Gabriel, don't think I didn't notice you were awake! Unfortunately you woke up a little too late to help your friend, didn't you?" I say and laugh. But it's not my laugh, it belongs to some madman, but definitely not mine! Now Gabriel gets up and looks me in the eye: "What do you want to achieve with this?"



Somebody laughs again. Is that really me? I feel this strength in me. This feeling of making the difference between life and death seems like a drug.It amuses me, even though the situation is more than serious.

"You dragged me into this world! I never wanted to go here! I thought you knew us? Wasn't my actions predictable? Shouldn't you actually know what I want here? Wherever I want to go." Now my voice is cold again . I have no control over them. But I don't even want to control them. The main thing is that memories and pain stay away from me.



"Kai, I know you had a difficult past! But do you want to become a murderer now? If your parents were still alive, they would definitely not want that!", Gabriel says with a nervous voice. My eyes widen How does he know about my past, about my parents? Does Nini have? No! She would never do that! And if it does? What if she told Gabriel? Kira, Cull, Gabriel. Nini likes them all. Again I feel the jealousy rise in me. She was already there when we first saw Gabriel and Michael.The look Nini gave Gabriel made my blood boil with anger. Suddenly I'm sure she told Gabriel. And because of this anger, the pain and memories take a back seat. She blinds me to what I'm doing right now. I only feel strength in me. Strength to control the situation now, to be able to do everything I want, to be able to determine others Already in the abbey I was prepared for such situations and learned to enjoy them to the last drop. And now I savor it, see with joy the fearful flicker in Gabriel's eyes.



“Kai!” The door is thrown open and Nini storms in. Immediately she stops when she sees me with the gun and Michael in my sights. Now that I see Nini like that, her gaze desperately resting on me, it seems impossible to me that she has told Gabriel anything. She only seems to be paying attention to me, neither Michael, who is in danger, nor Gabriel.No, only on me! I feel how the feeling of satisfaction disappears, how pain and memories draw closer. How they come dangerously close again. Now I remember why I took Michael hostage. Because I want to get away from Nini. It makes me weak, makes my feelings come up. And with them memories and pains come up.

"Take me back to my world! I want to get out of here!" I scream. Panicked that the pain would overwhelm me. Tears well up in my eyes, I want to get away from here, but I can't take my eyes off Nini. My grip on Michael and also on the gun loosens immediately, although I don't want to. Michael stumbles away anxiously, but I ignore that because Nini walks up to me and hugs me. This weakness, this softness, the feelings that come up. And the pain! Again they roll over me like the sea, a suction pulls me down, everything around me starts to turn.I cling fearfully to Nini. The pain catches up with me. I want to get away, preferably in the blackness on which I can drift.



I am back in my world! Stand in a room with other students who are training and Boris' voice echoes loudly through the room. But why is Nini with me and why does nobody pay any attention to us? It's like I've never been away, but at least Nini should cause a stir. "Where are we?" She asks, confused. And with this sentence, with her warmth everything comes up again, the pain comes back. I break away from her and she looks at me all the more confused. But I'm confused too. What's going on here? Is that just a dream I run to the door and want to open it, but my hand slides through the handle as if by magic. Are we some ghosts?

“What's going on here?” Nini holds my arm tight. But I am too dazed by all the impressions that I just stammer something like: "My world".I keep walking, just through the door and Nini stumbles after me. It is as if an invisible force is leading me through the many walls and corridors. Dranzer! I'm standing right in front of him, want to fall on his neck for joy, but he doesn't see me. His eyes are dull, devoid of fire, his head, once proudly raised, is bowed as if by a heavy burden. What did you do to him?

"DRANZER !!!" The scream comes from my throat, my fingers want to bury themselves in his plumage, but they slide through. Very briefly something flares up in Dranzer's eyes, as if he had heard my scream, as if he knew that I was there, but it immediately went out again. Tears run down my cheeks. I notice how I am being hugged from behind and hear Nini's voice whisper: "This is your world? This is where you wanted to go back?" I hear that she tries to understand me, but also her hurt.



I take Nini's hand and walk on with her. On the way we meet students.They are all looking at the floor, their facial expressions are gone, their bodies are drained. I never paid any attention to the other students, I was always too busy with myself, that's why I never noticed how bad everyone is doing here. I show Nini to my room. A small room without a window with a bed, a wardrobe and a table with a chair. Although such a room cannot be personal, I can tell immediately that someone else is living here now. "Now it's not mine anymore," comes from my lips. Nini looks at me understandingly. Then she asks sadly: "What bad happened to you in the other world, that you want to go back to this terrible world, that you want to get away from me?"

The memories come back and with them the pain. Should I really show it to Nini? What will she think of me? Won't it hurt you more? But when I look into her eyes I see determination. So she wants to see it.


I concentrate, try to conjure up the images from my memory. And indeed, it works! Now we are back in town. In the burning shattered city, but my gaze is solely on me and the black light. There is still nothing to suggest what I'm about to do, what crime I'm about to commit. And then. I see myself reaching for the gun, I feel the pain gripping me. The shot sounds and the wave rolls over me, pulling me down into the depths. My last thoughts before the blackness envelops me: What will Nini do now, how will she behave and in which world will I wake up? Will I even wake up again? Isn't that blackness much better? I just let myself go and get carried away without thoughts, without pain, without memories, without my personality.



(??? -view)

“How did that happen?” He looks at me reproachfully. Immediately I lower my gaze and reply: "We didn't think he was so unstable