desire for affection, security and love in me that I soak up every kind of attention like a dry sponge. Maybe I just believe that he wants to protect and free me, but in reality I only imagine everything because I absolutely want to be perceived as a person worth protecting and loving, that I am aware of all the signs that may exist or subconscious deception on his part, i.e. lying to myself just so that I can project my feelings onto someone. Because I want to pass on my feelings. I am not only capable of hatred and indifference, I want to give someone a feeling of security, although sometimes I am no longer so sure whether I am really capable of conveying the feelings that one should show me to others. I don't know exactly what love feels like and what it is like when you feel safe, but it has to be beautiful, because there has to be a counterbalance for the feelings that I am constantly at the mercy of.If there are people like me who constantly have to live with their self-loathing, hopelessness and loneliness, then there must be people who are happy and there must be a way to catch at least a breath of that happiness.

Maybe I'm really just trying hard to convince myself that Jamie feels real guilty about me, but it could be true and it would be terrible if I didn't go into it and maybe never find out what's hidden in those eyes . I just have to risk it, I have to, because what other choice do I have? Doing nothing equates to giving up and I am not allowed to give up.

So the decision to trust Jamie has been made, but a decision to do something does not mean that you actually make it happen. It's just the first step.
Although I only recently had an operation, I feel surprisingly good.The pain is not as strong as I think it should be, but maybe one or the other painkiller will still work, and of course I'm glad that the pain doesn't become unbearable. I just hope it stays that way.
I'm infinitely tired again and my eyelids are getting heavier and heavier, but I can't sleep now. I have to stay awake and think about everything.
But what's the point of all this brooding? My thoughts only go in circles and do not bring anything new. It is actually much more important that I rest again and without sleep I will soon no longer be able to think clearly. My body needs to regenerate. I know all of this, but I still don't want to sleep. I am terrified of falling asleep, because then I am completely defenseless again and I am afraid that when I wake up I will be in an operating room. Who knows for sure whether they might have forgotten something and want to implant it in me later?I'm sure they're just waiting for me to close my eyes and then they'll come to torture me again.

Nonsense! This is complete nonsense what I'm thinking. I get into hysteria for no reason. It doesn't really matter whether I'm awake or not when they come, I can't defend myself at the moment anyway. I am at their mercy! But if I had more strength and wasn't so tired, then maybe I would have a chance. Maybe they make a mistake and I can take advantage of that mistake.
Stop!! Wrong again. I am not allowed to defend myself. I wanted to trust Jamie. He has a plan and if I try to escape again on my own, I am sure I will destroy all of his plans.
IF he has a plan at all, try to persuade me to use a low voice.
No! I chose to trust him. I'll wait for Jamie to do something first, and if he really doesn't have a plan, I'll find out in time.But the risk is far too great. I can't trust anyone, especially not him!
But I have to! I want and will trust him. I have to forget my doubts. There is no reason for it. He never did anything that would hurt me in any way, and in the operating room he even wanted to save me. But did he really want to get me out of the operating room? Didn't he give up too quickly? He knew how this anesthetic worked. Maybe I should even hear how he was supposed to protect me from Tyler. Maybe everything was planned so that he could then get to me more easily. But why should he want to get to me? What more do you want from me when you get the data you need for any kind of research via the transmitters and chips in my head. What kind of research is that actually? What am I being used as a guinea pig? And above all why?But I would prefer if I didn't have to find out about it and could just leave. I don't care what kind of sick horror show these guys put on as long as they let me go. I wouldn't tell anyone anything about what I experienced here. Nobody would listen to me anyway and even if they did, nobody would believe me.
But that's probably no longer the point. Apparently I am an "interesting object" for your research and apparently they do not want to let this "object" get lost. Why else should they also implant a transmitter into me so that I always know where I am at the moment. Tyler said something about extreme situations. What did he mean by that? Does he maybe want to do some sick experiments with me in order to get even more precise results for his research?

I'm afraid. Afraid of what may still come my way.

So, again a part largely finished (unless I have another flash of inspiration, hopefully not * laughs *)As always, I would be happy to hear from you! Criticism is urgently desired !!!!!

cu amiel