out of the matter. Raine is still angry.
"Will it be soon? Or was that one slap in the face just not enough? "
Then all I hear is the heavy slamming of the door, probably from Lloyd, and there is silence. But instead of Lloyd coming to me directly, as directed by Raine, I hear him rumbling down the stairs and slamming the front door of the inn as well.Now I come to rest. I let my shaking body fall back into bed.
Quiet, that's what I need. The whole theater is just enough for me.
My heartbeat is also slowly recovering and my breathing becomes calmer. Thank goodness my bowels untied themselves.
However, my eyes are still wide open. I still keep my eyes on that one point on the ceiling. I force myself to simply ignore this experience again.
But somehow it doesn't work. My thoughts go wild. And even though I lie still, my body begins to shake again. All of a sudden I feel sick. Cold beads of sweat appear on my face.
I don't know how much time has passed since Lloyd left. It feels like an eternity to me. My eyes glide briefly to the clock hanging next to the door.
It's late. Very late. Maybe ... too late. I close my eyes and calmly breathe in and out. However, my body does not calm down.On the contrary, it gets worse when I hear the front door open. She has such a disgusting squeak.
..Is it Lloyd?
My suspicions are confirmed when I hear Lloyd's voice. He seems to be speaking to the lady of the house.
"..I'm sorry. Doesn't happen again, I promise. “It sounds calmer than before.
“I hope so too, boy. So then .. Now get up, open, go! We want our rest. “The old lady seems pretty tired.
"Okay."
I can already hear the dull sound of him going up the stairs.
“No, you can't come in here. You will now go to your room and sit down with the others, you will not- "I mumble to myself, but .. it's too late.
Lloyd is already at my door, has put his hand on the doorknob, and seems to hesitate. I can feel his presence right away.
It seems to penetrate me like a cold sword made of ice.Thousands of stitches.
I puff one last time as the doorknob goes down. Then Lloyd enters.
"..Kratos? "
Control yourself. You can do it.
"Hmm." Is the only thing I give of myself.
"Are you still awake? "
“If I weren't, I wouldn't be talking to you. “My voice is cold.
I think .. that's better. Yes.
That sentence seems to gnaw at Lloyd's composure.
"Um .. yes. “Then there is silence. He's standing there in the doorway, looking uncertainly at the floor.
I'm lying on my bed, looking straight ahead at the ceiling.
"So .. I'm coming because ..", he can't get a clever sentence out. He takes a short deep breath and then continues. "I wanted to ask you if you would like-"
Wow. He tries hard to be nice, I can see that in his facial expressions. He can do that well. He's a good actor.
"No thank you. No need. Seems not to be wanted by various people, right? “I interrupt him.I know exactly what he's thinking now. Shit, he was listening.
"You have-"
“Yes, I was listening. As loud as you were "
"Ah .. oh."
Then he turns to the side, stands there indecisively. Should he apologize now or just leave? His hand rests on the doorknob. He really seems to have a guilty conscience.
"Kratos, I-"
“I would like to sleep if you allow me. “I try to banish the rough tone from my voice, which I somehow manage.
My eyes are strangely obscured. I see everything blurred. A hot wave flows through my body. It tites disgustingly.
The quake is getting worse.
"..Good night. “He says then and closes the door.
Again I am lying alone in the room. On the contrary, I feel even worse now than before. Breathing heavily, I sit up and take hold of my heart. It has not hit that fast in a long time.It's been beating for too long anyway.
My vision is getting worse. I screw up my eyes, grab my head, and pull my hair a little. My breath is getting slower.
I have to ... get out of here.
Fast.
***
And before I know it, I'm running a little off the road, along the small river. I look back over my shoulder and see the light burning in my room.
Apparently Lloyd came back after all - to apologize? But I don't care at the moment. I snuck out the window.
The cold night air blows pleasantly around my ears. I close my eyes and slow down. It is nice. Yes, there is no other word for this area, this moment. Just beautiful.
It's quiet here. All you can hear is the crickets chirping through the tall grass. The people in the inn are already asleep. The only light - with the exception of my window - is the moon. Today is the full moon.He is reflected on the river. There are no clouds in the sky. It's just perfect.
I can hear the crickets next to my footsteps louder than before as I sit down on the grass. I've run quite a bit of field now. The inn can only be seen as a small point.
I support myself in the wet grass with my hands. It has rained a little since before, not much. Hardly anything, actually.
I feel a little better now. This dizziness has finally subsided and my vision is clear again. My heart is beating normally again and my stomach is finally resting.
But I can't get a single clear thought, I'm so confused.
A sigh escapes me unnoticed.
My eyes slide up to the moon. At first it blinds me a little because I've got used to the darkness. I am only now becoming aware of my strange feelings.
What i really think All of this comes up to me right now.
"Shit .." I swear softly and grab my forehead with one hand, squint my eyes.Then I lean forward a little with my upper body, pulling my legs a little bit. I sit hunched over as if my stomach ache.
Stomach ache is not nearly as "bad" as the pain I've been suppressing all these years. Should everything break in tonight? My perfect plan?
Everything?
..No, I would prevent that. In a trance, I open my eyes and look back at the inn. I have to leave her. There is no point in staying with them any longer. I have a job to do, but if I do, then I'll do it properly. And I can hardly do the job properly in his vicinity.
For the first time in a long time, I'm really in trouble. If I stayed with them, I would endanger my mission. If I left her, I would never be able to forgive myself.
I lie down completely in the grass, in the same position as I was lying in my bed. My hands are getting cold. But I ignore it.I have other worries.
And these worries have now affected my whole self. My self that I'm not ashamed of. I didn't care about so many things, they no longer matter to me.
In the past, for example, I would have been happy about nice weather. Today I am happy about rain.
I used to hate being alone. Today I can no longer endure society without pain.
I used to have a reason why my life was worth living.
Not today. Today I lost faith in everything.
Veiled, I look at the river ahead of me and I quickly lower my gaze. I've lost faith in everything I no longer have a reason that makes my life worth living?
The first may be true. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't believe that both worlds will ever live in peace. I don't believe Martel will return. I don't believe in friendship. Not love. Do not believe in these things that I once could not live without.But with the second I lie to myself. I've lived a long time now, too long for my liking. It was a very, very long time ago I thought I was only there to protect Mithos. To support him. I got along with that. But when a few years ago - eighteen years ago, to be more precise - another reason crept into my life than the one I believed in for almost four thousand years, I did not want to accept it.
I didn't want to accept it, didn't want to admit to myself that a person I met for the first time had become more valuable to me than those I had known for ages.
But with all of my attempts to ignore this person, to forget them, to treat them badly on purpose, so that they will turn away from me on their own, I have achieved the opposite.
She thought she had to stay with me.
Involuntarily a smile steals on my lips at the thought. It's not a happy smile. Not a sad one.It's untouched.
I am now completely lost in my thoughts. My eyelids and my whole body are getting heavy. I am tired. I need sleep.
The cold crawls up on me, but I ignore it. I'm good at ignoring, you have to give me that. For eighteen years now I have ignored. Hmmh. A brilliant achievement in my opinion.
But if I'm actually being honest, it's nothing more than running away. Running away from those years that brought all this pain on me. Before those years, from which I will probably always flee.
For the countless times that night I let out a sigh.
Those years were the most beautiful and the worst at the same time. They gave me security, love and affection. At the same time they made my heart grow cold, my soul die, me doubt my mind.
Made me ... what I am today.
When I think about it, I realize the icy cold out here.I shiver and I stand up, swaying. My body isn't quite back yet. I feel strangely heavy, afraid I might fall to the ground and just fall asleep.
I drag myself to a single tree nearby. There I sit down with my back on the bark and take a breath.
What is wrong with me? Why is my body suddenly so .. weakened?
This can not be. A few thoughts can't throw me off track that I feel that way right away, can they?
Or?
I sigh softly. I'm starting again to let my mind run free.
Yet again? Yeah again. Since then. Ever since I met Lloyd. Since I saw Anna’s .. grave. From then on I haven't slept properly one night.
It left me with no peace. For days and nights I thought about whether it could really be him. The one I once lost
...
My eyelids droop and I look dimly at the ground.The cold is gnawing at me worse than before.
I want to sleep. But if I sleep now, I'll dream. And I don't want that.
I don't want to dream of what happened back then. It's enough that I have them in my mind.