I remember that day again.

It was my birthday and I was home alone. I hadn't invited anyone, or told anyone anything. For me it was better that way, because my fellow human beings probably had better things to do than to keep a depressed, much too closed person company.

My parents bought me a wonderful cake the day before. I took a couple of blue candles and lit them in a circle around the cake. They were scented candles that smelled of the vast blue sea. Then I opened a bottle of champagne. My birthday party was now perfectly prepared. In addition there was a calm, profound music and tears were almost in my eyes. There was something ceremonial about the whole thing. I offered my whole life so far as a kind of sacrifice in order to be able to make a wish at this moment. But what did I even want to wish for?

While I was making such fundamental philosophical considerations, the phone rang.I wondered if I should even lose weight because we had an answering machine and I didn't think anyone would call me anyway if you could tell yourself everything you need to know at school. So I sat there and wondered if it was another friend of my parents who had apparently forgotten that my parents usually came back later.

After a few ring tones the answering machine turned on and I listened.

"Hi Mariko. I know you are at home, so please answer."

It was Yami's voice.

I jumped up and picked up the phone.

"Yami? What do you want?"

"I want to give you something if you don't mind."

His voice was very calm. Even quieter than usual, I thought. But I didn't know what to answer. Why should I mind?

"Of course not! But what ..."

"I'll wait here in front of the front door. Please come down and pick it up."

He has already hung up.So many questions came to my mind. I took the house key, put on my jacket and shoes, went down the stairs. What was Yami up to? Why did he want to give me something? Maybe for helping him back then? He had helped me too, so I had to give him something on his birthday too? But when was his birthday actually?

I took another breath and finally opened the front door. Yami stood a few steps away. He turned, smiled, and handed me a small package. Then he wanted to make his way back again.

"That's it. I wish you a happy birthday."

I considered.

"Don't you want to come upstairs and eat a piece of cake? I can't do it on my own anyway." I asked, half out of politeness.

Yami seemed to think twice and finally agreed.

The scented candles were still burning in the apartment, a breath of the sea wafted towards us when I opened the door.From the living room came this slow, thoughtful music. We sat down on the sofa around the table.

I gave him a large piece of cake and took one myself. Then I asked if he would like a glass of champagne too.

He nodded. I took two glasses and poured them.

"Cheers!"

"All the best!"

I drank the glass half empty in one gulp. Yami looked at me almost disapprovingly. He took just one sip himself and put the glass aside.

My face soon turned red because I wasn't used to alcohol. I probably overdid it with the drinking, maybe also to appear particularly casual. So I preferred to eat the cake.

"Have you already wished for something?", Yami asked, probably just to say something and to cover up the somewhat embarrassing situation.

Another question I didn't know the answer to. (Why can't I even answer such simple questions ?!)

"I don't know what to ask for.", I said. Why was I so pointlessly honest all of a sudden? Why hadn't I thought of something suitable again?

"You have to know what you really want, don't you?"

He just said that so easily. I just didn't know what I wanted. Because everything I have wished for so far has brought me nothing but disappointments and painful memories in the end. I was afraid of desires that would never be fulfilled in the way one would like them to be.

"It's better to be careful with wishes," I said, trying to look relaxed.

To distract myself, I drained the rest of my glass and finished my piece of cake.

I soon noticed the effects of alcohol on my blood. I felt more relaxed and saw things around me more calmly. The dark thoughts gradually faded into the background until I could no longer perceive them. With a strange smile I looked at Yami and asked if he wanted a different music.Without waiting for his answer, I put on some dance music. I made a welcoming gesture. Yami thought about it, looked at me and got up, maybe so as not to offend me ...

We tried a few ballroom dances together. I was not used to dancing with him and despite the alcohol I felt an insurmountable barrier that stood between our worlds.

So I switched to very spirited music and swung myself to the rhythm by myself.

Yami stood to the side and gave me a dubious look. I smiled at him and did a series of rather exaggerated dance figures. He would have to think that I'm not very tight. But whatever. I laughed rather than crying, even though I felt the same inside.

Then I went to the table and poured myself some champagne. The excitement made me need more tonics.

"Don't you want to open the present?" Asked Yami.

I had almost completely forgotten that. I put the glass aside and took the package in my hands.It was wrapped in dark blue wrapping paper. I opened the package and took out a small wooden box. What was hidden in it?

Yami gave me a necklace with a silver dream catcher. It glittered and shone in all bright colors. There was also a folded map attached. The outside showed a mysterious, circular pattern. Inside stood:

"For Mariko.

Never lose faith

of your dreams.

Yami "

I thanked him and didn't know exactly what he meant by that.

A look at the clock showed that my parents would be back in half an hour.

Yami knew it too and said goodbye with the words:

"See you at school tomorrow!"

When the door closed behind me, I suddenly felt so depressed again. It was always the same. I could never stand the sight or the sound of a door closing motionless.

When I was little, this sound told me that my father or mother would go away, sometimes for a few months or for a few years.For me it meant that I was alone again. Sometimes I was placed with my grandparents, sometimes with my aunt. This noise symbolized for me in a subconscious way that I had just been abandoned.

I hated it for that.

Now Yami went away. Even though I knew we would see each other at school tomorrow, my heart sank. I was close to tears.

The champagne bottle was still on the table. I opened it and took a long swig. The warmth spread inside me. The cold, sad feeling left again.

I drained the whole bottle and fell asleep on my bed.

I only woke up the next morning, when the alarm clock went off as usual. What a headache! I didn't remember exactly what happened yesterday. In the mirror I saw a pale, tired face, with very serious eyes and a heartbroken look.

An ironic smile rose.

I got ready for school even though I would have preferred to rest.There was still snow on the streets. It must have snowed last night. It was very cold and since I had hardly had breakfast, the cold was almost unbearable.

When I got to school, Yami wasn't there yet. That hardly surprised me. He'd be coming later, I thought.

Yami didn't come until the second lesson and looked pretty tired too. We greeted each other but didn't talk much during the day.

After school, I went to the mall to look for a new coat. I found one in a small shop, but it was quite expensive for me and I didn't know whether to buy it or not. Since I hadn't noticed any alternative either, I went home first to give myself a little more time to think about it. On the way I bought some groceries.

I cleaned up a bit at home. Since my parents were mostly away from home, everything to do with the household naturally became my job.Then I did my homework as quickly as possible and sat bored again in front of the television. In such cold weather, I didn't even feel like going for a walk outside.

I made myself a simple dinner and turned on the music. I was hopelessly bored. I've felt that much more often since my brother moved out of home. He wasn't actually my real brother, but my stepfather's child. But we got along pretty well by our standards and he had also helped me a lot with my homework. But now he lived in another town with his girlfriend and we only saw each other twice a year at the most, for a ridiculously short time.