Broken

I walk aimlessly and senselessly through the streets. In the deep darkness, the only sounds you can hear are my feet on the asphalt and my racing breath. They ran after me, shouted something to me, but I wanted to be alone ... I still want it. But why did it all have to happen? Just so that I can feel this unspeakable pain? As if my heart was torn apart or my breath was cut off forever. It will never be the same again, all is lost. The only thing my desperate and battered soul could cling to was now gone. I just left without wasting a single thought on me ... Every day your bright smile, your patience and your whole presence made me feel more hopeful every time, even though I had thought, never to have any again. Out of the deepest desperation you tore me, brought me back into the light.Showed me that it is worth living. But now I have to realize that it was all one lie, none of your words were true. One should cherish one's life, you taught me, but you did not stick to it yourself. So how can you expect it from ME? When I wanted to give up so long ago ... Happy, carefree and always happy, that was the mask that you had put on yourself. You have not entrusted your problems, fears and worries to anyone, but you have listened to and helped everyone else. Just why? Why couldn't you even share your pain with me? Don't you trust me enough I hadn't even remotely thought that your insides were just as destroyed and shattered as mine. But even if you didn't manage to let others look into your soul, you always fought, didn't give up ... and in the end lost. Couldn't drive away the devil who was eating your soul.Your eyes had always shone, had contained a burning fire, which signaled the courage, the passion and the hope in your heart. But in the days before you took your last breath, that special spark in your gaze was gone. Showed that you had given up ... The blazing flame had given way to a bottomless hole, which devoured all happiness and will never bring it to light again.
I am still running. For several hours I have been running as fast as I can through the many alleys and streets of this city. My body is exhausted, I can barely breathe, but I don't stop. To stop would mean that all of my desperation could catch up with me and if it did get to me, I couldn't escape. At your funeral, which I was at earlier, everyone wanted to know from me the reason for your death, everyone expected me to know ... But I don't know, can't understand.Why did you kill yourself? Left your life without saying goodbye. They wanted me to tell about you and my memories of you in front of everyone, but I couldn't. Couldn't reveal my grieving heart to total strangers. With every minute that I had to see your coffin, the pain grew until I couldn't take it anymore ... Then I fled the church and started my escape. My eyes are open, but I don't see anything around me, I only see your smiling face in front of me .... How could you smile like that when you were so desperate? So much so that you just took your own life.
Suddenly I fall down, don't move anymore because I can't. My body is so tired that it won't let me flee any further. Where am I? For the first time, in over four hours, I perceive the surroundings around me again. What an irony. Here, on this very bridge, you threw yourself to your death a week ago.Until jumped, at least fifty feet deep. In this place I met you for the first time and also lost you. Back then, when I was completely alone, desperate, and numb with pain, I collapsed here, just as I do now. Was thinking about just going out on the street and waiting for a car to get me. When I saw the headlights right in front of me and said goodbye to the world, there you came. You just dragged me off the street and took me in your arms. Gave me hold. You never asked about my reasons for this almost successful deed and I was grateful to you for that. Without hesitation, you took me into your care so that I no longer drowned in loneliness. You have always cheered me up, encouraged me, loved me .... But now this is all over and now I am completely alone again. I have no family, no friends. Is it still worth it for me? What am I good for? For nothing ... I'm just annoying to everyone.Maybe it's fate that I lost my running strength right here.
I slowly get up again and approach the railing of the bridge, looking down into the gorge that extends below me. So this was the last thing you saw, complete darkness. But this darkness also somehow comforts you, because it is so gloomy that you can no longer see the pain of the world. It attracts me, lures me to itself. Even the wind is blowing towards the darkness. I gather my last strength and climb onto the railing. Only one step, one small step forward, separates me from my death, from you. My soul, my heart, just my whole existence is crying out to see you again. There is only one way to get to you: I have to follow you. Without hesitation again, I take this last step and plunge into the final darkness, hoping for my redemption ...

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Bye!
DarkJeanne