Title: The loneliness and me
Part: 1/1 (One-Shot)
Author: Hi-chan
Fandom: Own series
Disclaimer: I am ... mine! Oo;
Contact: hi-chan@gmx.net
Pairing: none
Rating: PG
Warning (s): self-insert, depri
Dedication: everyone who feels the same way
Comment: I wrote the FF once when I was feeling bad. These are my thoughts. Read it if you want. But then don't complain about a bad mood! XD

Legend:
// think // thoughts

~ The loneliness and me ~

* My only wish * || Short story

Do you know those days when everything goes wrong? Do you feel as if you are standing next to you, you are alone and nobody understands you? Then you know how I feel.

~ * ~

I entered the room quietly and let my gaze wander through the simply furnished room. There are only a few pictures hanging here. However, all the more notes with lyrics. Songs that mean something to me ... songs that express my feelings, that make me cry or make me sad.I don't like happy songs. They have no deep meaning ...
That's how I like my room. It reflects my sad soul.
Sighing, I closed the door and locked it so no one could get in. Even when I was alone, I wanted it that way ... I was glad I was alone. Anyway ...
Immediately I dropped onto my soft bed and buried my face in my pillow. Why did I feel so upset and confused? It wasn't normal depression or whatever ... Maybe familiar feelings like sadness, anger and despair came over me because I was disappointed again? My fingers dug into the sheet. It was still wet from last night's tears ...
Once again tears, a fluid too familiar to me, came into my eyes and I felt how they made their way out. Actually, I thought that I couldn't cry anymore ... that all the tears were shed. But it was not like that. For a moment I enjoyed the darkness around me.This oppressive loneliness was familiar to me ... I knew it and it knew me. We were together so often ... loneliness and me.
// No, I mustn't cry again ... that doesn't help. //
I used to feel better after crying, but it is no longer the case today. I continue to feel misunderstood and hurt. I carelessly wiped the tears from my green eyes and struggled to get up. I wanted to sink back into the pillow and continue to linger in the dark, but I knew something better to ease the pain ...

Motherlove is no more ...- it came from my CD player, which was running almost continuously. Yes, that's right. There is no mother who has comforted me now. No one who would have asked the reason for my mood and would probably have hugged me ... She has no time for me!
The slight feeling of anger and hatred that I always carry in my heart began to get stronger again.How I hated her for it ... but can you really hate people you actually love?

Memories came back and seemed to be overwhelming. Angry and bitter, I grabbed the beer bottle that I kept hidden in my room for "emergencies". This was such an emergency.
After a few minutes the bottle was empty and soon the alcohol began to work. Unfortunately, one bottle is too little to step away ... The liquid didn't even improve my mood as it always did. I was just a little dizzy. I decided to go back to my bed. Maybe I would be able to fall asleep ... in a few minutes ... or in an hour ... maybe in five ... or not until after midnight ... towards morning? I just wanted to try. But unfortunately I didn't succeed for a long time. The stinging in my heart was too intense. I was lying on the bed and it felt like a sharp stone ... or a bed of nails. I hoped through the beer that the bad thoughts would go away, but nothing there.They persisted in my head. They sucked on me like greedy bloodsuckers and wouldn't let up.

I looked at my pillow, which was covered in black make-up in places.
Black ... a color that reflects me. Just like my music. Black clothes, make-up ... everything is just a mask. A mask that protects my weak, fragile soul. But in moments like this when I'm alone, I can put it off ... My weak side comes to the fore and it is then difficult to hide it again.

I slowly ran through my hair and took a deep breath. I didn't dare remember the reason I was so depressed that night. It would just hit me again.
I tried to remember what I wanted. No, not material things. I just wished for love No matter by whom.
At least from my mother. I rarely saw my father anyway, he loved me.But I didn't see her all day ... so I could do what I wanted. I loved going out for a drink with a few friends. Yes, I have friends ... but they would not be able to help me either now.
But I didn't just want love from my parents ... I wanted someone by my side who just hugged me. I didn't care if it was a friend or a buddy ... or even a boyfriend.

After so many disappointments, I'm not sure I'll ever love again.
Love ... It's just a feeling, an illusion that makes people feel safe and can achieve anything. It makes you happy.
But I don't need this love! At least that's what my common sense says ... it's better to be alone than to be disappointed and lose love.

At some point I couldn't follow my thoughts anymore. My eyelids grew heavy and I closed my eyes.
// My only true wish is ... //Then I fell into a deep sleep and didn't wake up until the next morning.

'til tomorrow is a better day to be ...

What is my real wish That another time ...

~ * ~

I thank you in advance for comments. ^ ___ ^
Well, it might not be that good, but I had to write that down. <<

~ Hi-chan