Understand

Sometimes you want nothing more in life than simply showing yourself as you are. But it is difficult! Too heavy! For someone who has lived behind a facade all their life, it is. Yes, that was my life. From the outside I always smiled, was happy, balanced, had a strong personality, but whenever the doors closed and I was lonely again they kept coming back. Those little warm drops that wouldn't stop flowing. Yes, I cried a lot! Too often! Actually, I hardly had any reasons to, but I did. Every day. Every moment when I was lonely and alone, yeah then I cried. When everyone around me was gone, I felt empty and cold. Nobody ever understood what was wrong with me. But how should they? I always cried alone and never when someone was around. Yes, I didn't dare to show my tears in front of others. I thought it was a weakness and since I wanted to maintain my facade I wasn't allowed to.No, I made myself do it! I forced myself to always stay strong in front of others and never show weaknesses. I have never dared to break this. Never. So I was trapped in my own prison. But I never did anything to break out there again. As well as? I didn't even know why this was all happening to me! I had no idea what was wrong with me! For a few years now, life has become much more difficult and has changed drastically. At first I hardly noticed it and the changes were hardly noticeable, but over time everything got more complicated. As a child, I never had to think twice before I did something, I just did it, but today I always had to think about something first. I didn't want anything to change. I never wanted that. I guess I'm a person who doesn't like to keep up with the times. But it does not matter. My friends grew up and pulled me with them even though I still wanted to be a child. Well now I have no choice but to accept my life as it comes.Maybe I know what's wrong with me after all. Yes, I even think I have known for a long time. I am lonely, very much! I long for someone who will return my warmth and affection, who can give me love. Every single fiber of my body is crying out for it, but I can't. There is no such person. This someone should understand me and know what's wrong with me, be able to see behind my facade. But I have always been disappointed by everyone who has ever meant something to me. I heard sentences like: "You are like my best buddy!" And then I knew that they would never see me again. It hurt but I can't force anyone to love me and to be close to me. It has to stay that way forever ......

Those were the dark thoughts of the girl Lina. As she told it in her mind, she really was. She felt lonely and alone and cried when she was lonely but no one ever noticed. She had always been able to prevent someone from seeing her crying somehow and she had sworn she would always do it.Again it was a moment when she was lonely and again countless tears flowed down her cheek. "Why? Why do I do this to myself every day? Why can't I just put an end to it? Oh, you are!", She said and screwed up her eyes. Whenever she thought of giving up and recapitulating before life, pictures appeared to her. But they weren't just any pictures, no, they were of her family at their funeral. In the pictures were her little sisters Taya and Luka who stood there frozen in hydrochloric acid and tears were running continuously from their eyes, their mother, who had slumped on her knees, cried bitter tears and repeatedly pleaded that it should not be true and her father who cried silent tears and did not seem to understand. It was a sight of horror for Lina and she couldn't stand it. After that, she couldn't bring herself to do this to her family. She had not lived for a long time because she had a small glimmer of hope that one day everything would turn out for the better, no, she only lived for her family.That was her only reason there was no other. She only lived to please other people and not to make them unhappy .....

..... to be continued if you want .....