about her past ...Then she made up her mind and invited him to dinner. She was good at cooking. That was because she had been running her own household for five years and had to take care of everything. Whether it was shopping, preparing food, keeping order or decorating, she was solely responsible for everything that happened behind the front door. In the beginning it gave her this unaccustomed freedom and burden also many difficulties, because z. B. She only knew how to prepare one or two simple dishes and therefore, for reasons of time, lived mainly on quick meals. After a few months she knew this kind of food inside out and was tired of cake and ice cream. Then she gradually learned to cook herself and keep the apartment reasonably clean. I think the sight of your untidy apartment in its original state would leave permanent psychological damage ... So in any case not advisable for the curious visitor.But at some point she noticed herself (she had noticed that for a long time, of course, but do something about it ...) that it couldn't go on like this ... Sitting in a dirt hole every day is not a particularly sublime feeling either ... Well about once a month she cleaned her thoroughly so that she could receive visitors without having to hide miserably in a hole in the ground. At some point it was no longer about wanting or not wanting, but about must or do or die ...

Over the years she at least had her household more or less under control. Her school life was subject to strong fluctuations at times, but gradually returned to normal. Nevertheless, she had to catch up a lot, namely from the times when she did next to no homework, let alone learned, in two school half years. At that time she skipped about half of the class that was taking place and in the half that she was present she almost never listened due to unstoppable senseless boredom.Therefore, she was not surprised that her grades were "brilliant", namely with an average well below the minimum performance limit.

Yes, back then you were so young and ignorant ... You didn't really care about the consequences of your own actions and just let yourself be carried away by the respective minds. She had to stay seated, which meant such a kick in the buttocks for her that I resolved to finally try a little more not only because of the school.

Now she was a few years older and hopefully a little less ridiculous ... But still, one couldn't speak of a deep wisdom about her. Her restless, unsteady, unpredictable disposition all too often determined her actions. But due to many painful, bitter experiences, she never wants to repeat all the serious mistakes of her relatively short life again. That was a good approach ...

Anyway, back to the topic.She cooked a dish with various seafood and also had something alcoholic ready for it. Then she heard the doorbell and opened the door. Thomas stood in front of her smiling and had even brought some flowers. They were yellow, maybe roses or tulips. The girl hastily put the delicate flowers in a vase without looking closely at them.

Then they ate the rather successful meal by candlelight. The many pictures on the walls, which are shrouded in penumbra, surrounded them. Thomas had the feeling that none of this was real, that here, in this room, different laws applied than anywhere out there.

When they had finished eating and cleared the dishes, they first watched a DVD. But it was a film about a series of mysterious incidents, all of which had a common, most horrific background. The main characters should now experience this in their own bodies ...
It was quite late by the time they finished the film.Thomas was not entirely sure about it. But he stayed with the "nameless girl" that night and had discovered with a slight shudder how cold her hands were.

They were cold. Both her body and her eyes. For the first time I noticed so clearly how little I knew her. In my mind she could almost be a murderer, cold-blooded and selfish, vengeful. But she didn't do anything that gave the slightest hint. That's why she unsettled me. I wasn't used to dealing with people who were so good at covering up their emotions with expressionless faces and hazy eyes. I almost thought I was afraid of her.

She must have been in her early twenties. I didn't even know what else she was doing when we weren't meeting. Did she study? Was she working? Or did she have other men? She had two large bookshelves in the apartment where there were many school books, but also novels and encyclopedias.So she shouldn't be too uneducated. But still I couldn't grasp, understand or classify them. Perhaps it was because I hadn't had too much life experience, that I just wasn't up to it in such areas. How could you understand a person if you hardly had any common experiences or conversations?

Even at the height of the passion it was hardly noticeable. She just closed her eyes and hugged me. But I knew that the moment she opened her mouth a little, I gave her exactly the answer she had longed for. Sometimes I compared that to my previous girlfriend. She always groaned, half content, half pleading, which gave me a superficial confidence. But over time I threatened to lose these not really sad memories from my mind and didn't really know how that could happen.

She said she was too lonely.That's why it would be so cold to protect itself from people. Her aloofness was like a wall against the outside world, just to keep her fragile dream castle away from barbaric attackers. I didn't quite understand her thoughts, but at least I had a pretty visual idea of ​​it, even if I couldn't interpret the picture.

At some point I gathered up all my courage and asked her if we could continue our relationship a little longer. Because I didn't want it to be our last evening together.

She was silent for a while and didn't look at me. I was getting more and more restless and this restlessness inside me made me feel insecure too. Had I said the wrong thing and made an impossible request? Is she angry with me now because I was trying to break our original agreement? But why should she want to part with me so quickly when - as she said herself - she was so lonely?"Do you love me?" She suddenly asked unexpectedly. At that moment I thought I saw the trace of a rather ironic smile at the corner of her mouth.

I had resolved never to see him again. It was over, he was already happy with someone else. There was no more room for me. I couldn't stay any longer. I couldn't pretend nothing had happened. I had to deal with it on my own.

It hurt so much. My heart was way too tired, my thoughts were aimless and empty. How I would love to fall back into oblivion. I wasn't good enough for love. That was made so painfully clear to me once again before my eyes. I belonged in the second class, no third class league. None of the happy people could understand my feelings now.

I stood here and was about to lose someone important from my life again. I just watched myself doing it and couldn't do anything about it, not even defend myself against it.Why did it all turn out like this? I cannot understand the world. 'Cause I can't understand you

If others see me like this, in my current state, they would laugh scornfully and say, "What a loser. Coward."

I was no longer able to counter anything. I could no longer defend myself from the rest of the world. I had no dignity and feel all the more pain because I had done so much to maintain dignity. But now none of that mattered anymore. I had already lost too much.

On February 4th, Thomas and Adriane separated. It happened suddenly, but with caution. The ending seemed so simple, short and meaningless. It went as follows: Thomas called Adriane and wanted to meet her.
But she only asked: "Why?"
He couldn't answer that. Then they were both silent for a long time and finally Adriane hung up.

In her heart she knew that this would mean a goodbye forever.No one could save her from the depths of her despair. Their only way was to forget. But woe if the memories reappear.

At some point she may remember how it once occurred to her to spend the rest of her life with someone and never be alone again.

...

When she saw the train pull away slowly, tears welled up in her eyes. It was like she had just woken up from a long dream. She was now free and alone, but deep in her consciousness she heard a voice calling for happiness together. This time she couldn't convince herself that it was better that way. Who would understand all parts of her heart if she didn't understand them herself? It was always just individual parts, never a complete piece. Maybe she just couldn't accept that.