Cold. Desolate. Empty.
Fog crossed the dark streets of London.
Soft music could be heard from far away. Too quiet to recognize the melody, fleeting, like a dreaming gaze into another world. A better world.
The wind blew through the alleys, carrying the brackish smell of the Thames water until it faded, the wind died down again. Cold wind, north wind that brought winter, but no snow fell. No snow, no white that could light up the dark night, that could make life full of hope. The day is gray and dreary, the night is black and hopeless.
A street lamp was burning at the corner of the street, the pale light shimmering eerily through the fog and glinting on the icy pavement.
No one was on the street at this hour, no one except for those who had no other place but the street. But even these would have holed up, had fled the cold into cellars and broken tombs.Even so, some of them would not live to see the next, the holy, night. Peaceful, frozen to death in sleep, one would find them at some point and then bury them in holes in the ground that would bear no name, at most a cross. Or they were never found until they finally crumbled to dust, which the wind blew out of the walls of the city into freedom on a night like that of her death, past the others who would one day suffer the same fate up over plains and mountains to the open sea. All those who escaped their miserable existence in this way, who found their peace in this way, far from the pain and sadness they had experienced, all those were to be envied, because they could leave the world, weeping from none. Because these people had no responsibility.
And that, this responsibility, was the only thing that gave Cain a reason to go on living.
How much he would like to leave everything behind, just fall asleep and never wake up again, dream forever.Escape the futility of his existence.
But he didn't really want to leave his sister Merryweather alone, one of the two people he loved most. She shouldn't have to grieve.
And the other person he loved more than Merry ...
The person who had been by his side for so long, who should never leave him ... Cain would not have thought it fair to leave Riff.
Riff knew nothing of his love for him.
On the one hand, this unrequited love for his longtime butler and friend tormented him; it was one of the reasons Cain longed so much for peace. But on the other hand there was the hope that one day his love could be returned, that he should even dare to confess his love to Riff. But this hope was getting weaker and weaker.
Because he was scared. How could he know that Riff would not reject him in horror, perhaps even leave him?So he was standing on a balcony of his house in the middle of the night before Christmas Eve, contemplating his desperate love for a man, while thoughts of suicide kept popping up in his head. He didn’t care about religion, so his thoughts made him smile bitterly about one of the Christian Church’s holidays.
"I really am an ungodly being ..." These words echoed in his head. Born out of the sin of his father and his sister, it suited him well when he mentally pursued other deadly sins. He was worthless, like all his life.
His heart would soon be as cold as the north wind that was blowing around him, just a shadow of himself. .

Gradually, although he had actually made up his mind not to give in, the small bottle of poison that he had chosen a long time ago and had always carried with him ever since, and which he now held in his hand again and turned between his slender fingers, began to be tempting to act.The bright liquid glittered in the light of the street lamp that found its way through the clearing mist towards him. Such a seemingly harmless remedy ... sure, it was selfish ... but also apparently the only way that was still open to him ... there was exactly the amount in the glass vial that the poison needed to make its deadly one To develop an effect .... Then he too would be free from his worries and needs .... Riff might be better off without him ... and Riff could take care of Merry. . .
He had perhaps drunk half of the poison when he felt the rest of the bottle being knocked out of his hand, weakened by the first signs of poisoning, the stinging cold and tiredness, his legs too weak to carry him, and the last thing he saw before the pleasant darkness of unconsciousness enveloped him was Riff's horrified face ...

He was awake again, but so far he had neither the courage nor the strength to open his eyes - he was lying in a bed, but he still did not understand how he had got there.He had stood on the balcony ... his depression had taken over and .....
Reef!
Cain slowly tried to lift one eyelid, then finally the other, but he squeezed his eyes shut again as soon as the light blinded him. After a second try, he managed to keep his eyes open and, still dazed by the after-effects of the poison, turned his head. His gaze slid across the room - a look out of the window showed him that it seemed to be over, still or again - until he finally fell on a figure who, sitting in a chair but lying with his head on the bed, seemed to be sleeping. Cain blinked, then recognized Riff.
Had he been sitting there like that the whole time ...?
Cain stared at Riff, whose face looked so peaceful, so beautiful in his sleep ...
Unconsciously he reached out a trembling hand to Riff, stroked his light hair gently, and he lost himself in the sight of his beloved friend. He did not notice how Riff's facial features changed as he slowly woke up.Riff opened his eyes and was about to lift his head when he felt a delicate hand in his hair. He froze for a brief moment as the hand gently brushed his cheek, then, so as not to begin enjoying the pleasant gesture, he raised his head. The hand was withdrawn immediately, as if it had been burned.

Cain fought the blush that rose on his face. How could he have let himself go like that ?! He had to explain it to Riff ...
"Reef .... I ....."
"Master Cain! I'm so glad you woke up!"
Cain looked uncertainly at Riff. If he didn't say a word about what had just happened, it was either too uncomfortable or too unimportant for him to talk about it ... Cain didn't know which of the two possibilities would affect him more. Suddenly it occurred to him why he was lying in this bed in the first place, and he could no longer look Riff in the face out of shame, so he averted his eyes and asked in a voice whose slight tremors betrayed his discomfort: "How .... . I slept for a long time ...? ""One day. The doctor has already examined you ..... Miss Merryweather is completely beside herself ... and ... I was terribly worried!"
The unspoken charge hung in the air ... so clear it was almost palpable. Cain felt terrible. How could he have been so selfish ?! Hadn't he really had the strength to put the needs and worries of others above his own? A single tear of anger at himself found its way down his face.
"Master Cain! I didn't mean to hurt you any more ... please forgive me ..."
Cain couldn't hold back any longer; one tear was followed by more, and his slender body trembled from suppressed sobs.
"How can you ever forgive me for what I did? What I wanted to do! I ... I didn't mean to hurt you ... I ... I ...."
A strong arm went around his shoulder and he was pulled into an embrace.
"You don't understand, Master Cain.We don't need to forgive you anything ... nobody judges you. Miss Merryweather not ..... and least of all I ... "The last part of the sentence was so quiet that Cain would hardly have understood it. Under the soothing caress of Riff's hands in his hair he slowly calmed down, and finally he just lay in Riff's arms and let him hold him.
Then, with an unknowable urge, he raised his head and pressed his lips tentatively against Riffs.

Riff froze when he felt Cain's lips on his. He felt the whispered, “Thank you.” More than he heard it, when Cain laid his head on his shoulder.

Cain stayed in this position for a brief moment, then suddenly realized what he had done. He backed away and stared into Riff's face, composed to see rejection and disgust written there - but he found neither of these feelings, just a little stunned and with an expression that he couldn't quite read Riff's eyes looked at him.Riff touched his own lips with his fingertips and finally that expression changed to a questioning look.
"... Master Cain ... I don't understand ..."
Cain took a deep breath. Still not telling the truth to Riff was the biggest breach of trust he could commit.
"I could have told you much, much earlier ..."
Cain collected his thoughts for a moment before continuing.
"The reason for what I did is that ....."
He broke off. How could he explain it to Riff ...
"I ... didn't want any of that ... But I saw no other way out and now ..... I could never tell you .....!"
Riff just continued to look at him questioningly, waiting.
Cain turned away from him ... he couldn't tell him when he looked at him ...
"My whole life has been so ..... I just wanted to leave this hell behind me ... and yet I ... completely forgot that I would hurt Merry and you with it ... but I didn't want that!I didn't mean to hurt you! I love you ... and ... "
So he said it. Now there was no turning back ... he just wondered how Riff would react ...

Riff stared blankly at Cain for a few moments until his words finally trickled through to him.
"They love me...?"
Cain nodded silently and tears welled up in his eyes again. 'He's going to leave me in a moment. He will leave me ... 'it echoed through his head.
He winced when he suddenly felt Riff's hand on his shoulder and was slowly turned to face him. Then he found himself in Riff's arms again. Incomprehensible and incapable of reacting, he asked softly, with a trembling voice: "Riff ...?"
A hand brushed his head, then Riff's voice reached his ear.
"If only I had known ... I could have saved you so much