Jehovah's Witnesses

This morning the doorbell rang. Annoyed, because I actually didn't want to be disturbed on my three-day vacation, and I was also planning to mow the lawn, I dragged myself into the porch and cast a suspicious look through the glass windows of the front door at the two figures in front of me.

A man, maybe in his late twenties, tall, lean, lanky with glasses and pimples, and a woman, in her late thirties, rather unattractive with a distinctive mole above the upper lip and a strict hairstyle. Both wore neat dark suits, and he wore a small briefcase. Since there was no vacuum cleaner in there, I already knew who was standing in front of me.

You: "Hello, my name is (I forgot again), and this is my companion Lord (I didn't even remember - me and name ...). Are you interested in a religious conversation?"

He: * smiles stupidly *

Me: "Oh, are you the parish pastors? We haven't actually been introduced yet!"(That's right, I've lived in this village for over 13 years, but I've never met the pastor, I don't even know what the guy's name is. I don't care either, I'm not a Christian.)

You: * embarrassed * "Uh, no. We are Jehovah's Witnesses, the soldiers of heaven."

Me: "Soldiers of Heaven?"

Both: * eager nod *

Me: "Wow, there you have a damn long way to the barracks ..."

Both: * look stupid *

Me: * quickly so as not to let them have their say * "Why soldiers, is there a war?"

He: * takes a breath and starts to say something *

Me: "Oh, you're just the recruiting team."

You: * still looking stupid * "Uh ... may we come in?"

Me: "Good, if it doesn't take that long. My lawn doesn't mow itself." (In fact, I wanted to mow my lawn when suddenly these two joke characters rang the bell. But why not treat yourself to a little fun. ..?)

So I hold the door open and ask her into the, admittedly a bit untidy living room.First of all, my two Rottweilers, Thor and Loki, attack them - happy, because they don't harm anyone, but are happy about the visit. The two witnesses are even paler than they already were.

Me: * calming * "Don't worry, the two of them won't hurt you ..."

Unfortunately, neither of them noticed that I purposely looked at my dogs rather than the witnesses when I said these words. Pity...

So they let their hands be sniffed stiffly, then I call Thor and Loki to order - deliberately emphasizing their pagan god names - send them to their mats in the corner and let them make room. They reluctantly obey.

He: * still nervous, but tried to be polite * "They hear well."

Me: "Yes, on my word. Admittedly only to the third or fourth, but still. But they are also the only ones who do that ..."

With these words I shoo the cat off the sofa and motion them both to sit down. They do that too, but they sit there only a little relaxed, not taking their eyes off the dogs.Thor stares back attentively, Loki busy licking Thor's ear intensely. The Turkish Angora cat Yeti's long and fine white hair will look great on their dark suits.

Me: "Would you like some tea?"

You: "Very much."

He: "That would be very friendly."

I nod and disappear into the kitchen. The dogs immediately jump up and scurry after me. They always do that when I go into the kitchen. But that's not bad either, so visitors have time to look around.

I know that they immediately notice the child-sized gargoyle statues, the fire bowl and daggers on the table, my goblets in the showcase and, above all, the 30 cm iron pentagram in the window and start thinking about it.

Three minutes later, I return with the steaming teacups on the tray, the dogs in tow, and my plan. I send the dogs back to the mats and place their cups in front of the witnesses.I sit on the other sofa.

You: "Do you believe in God?"

I: * laughing around * "Does this look like I'm doing that?"

She: * points to the pentagram * "I ... um ... well. I thought something like that when you hang up a devil's mark here."

Me: * almost splattered my tea across the table * "Devil's sign? You should go back to school. If a pentagram points down, it's a sign of evil, maybe the devil, as well as a Upside down cross. My pentagram is pointing upwards. So it is a sign of good, life, magic and protection. And this sign is much older than the cross or Christianity. It protects my house from bad influences - for example in front of people like you. "

You: * first speechless *

He: * helpless * "Only Jesus can protect people. He died for our sins."

Great template for me! I jump on it immediately.Me: "How does Jehoshua ben Joseph know about my sins?"

You: * looks stupid * "Who?"

Me: "Well, Jehoshua ben Joseph of Nazareth, who was later called Jesus Christ. Just say, as Jehovah's Witnesses you know Jesus' real name, not his real name? Who trained you?"

Both: * look stupid *

I: * just getting warm * "But let's assume that the Christian mythical figure actually existed, how should he have known almost 2000 years ago which sins I would commit? I still know about those that are still ahead of me Nothing!"

He: * embarrassed * "Jesus is omniscient."

Me: "Aha, he's quite the dad now, isn't he? I thought this attribute was reserved for God?"

She: * wants to save the situation * "God is omniscient and through him his Son Jesus Christ too."

Me: "So, the old man just chats on my personal data to his son. Like those that I entrusted to him earlier at confession?He's breaking his own rule, the secret of confession? "

Both: * mouth is open *

Me: * quickly * "Omniscience for the future has been proven ad absurdum by well-known physicists. Just take Schrödinger's mathematically provable theory of the variants of the timeline, which, due to the chaos theory, lead to an infinite variety of possible futures Split the continuum into endless different variants. That makes any exact forecast of the future absolutely impossible, since it cannot be calculated which of the infinite possible parallels of the multiverse the timeline will cross. "

Both: * look as if they barely understood a word *

Me: * looking at you very seriously * "Even as a magician, I cannot look exactly into the future, but at best recognize tendencies and probabilities of divination, and I am already the most powerful magician around here - if I weren't, I knew I already do. "Both: * look really stupid now *

Me: "Well, you don't learn that at your bowling club, do you?"

She: "We forbid the 'bowling club'! We are ..."

I: * interrupt * "Why, you throw your propaganda bullets at random at the people and then see if a few people don't fall over. For me that's bowling."

She: * seems to be angry * "I can see we can't save anything here."

Me: * nodding * "Well recognized. I don't even want to be 'saved'."

Both stand up.

You: "Thanks for the tea."

He nods*

Me: "You're welcome. It's always fun to educate people about the true nature of the universe."

I escort her to the door. The dogs pace along nicely.

He: * now seems to be angry too * "Jesus will not save you, he will condemn your soul."

She: * nods approvingly *

Me: "Oh, you want to threaten ME? Well, then I have to defend myself." * Deep voice and sweeping gestures * "I curse you both! For the rest of the day you will suffer terrible diarrhea!"Both: * shake their heads to get away * "What nonsense ..."

I close the door and start laughing out loud. My dogs look at me faithfully and blankly.

I don't think the two "cursed" Witnesses will ever come back.

Though, I would have loved to see their faces when the very generous serving of laxatives in their tea begins to work.