Why did you do that? Why did you just leave me alone like this? Just like that, without saying a word, without saying goodbye ... It's not fair! You were my friends! I would have given my life for you! And yet ... you're dead ... and I'm alive ... it should be the other way around, right? You shouldn't be dead ... you shouldn't be lying here ... in your own blood ... I'll be sick just smelling it. How fast that can happen ... I argued with you less than half an hour ago, remember? A simple little argument ... and now you lie in front of me and I regret every single bad word I said to you. I regret every mistake I made with you ...
Come on, it's enough, you can get up again ... that's really not funny, right? Pah ... what am I talking about ... of course you won't get up again ... never again ... never again will I see you laughing or arguing, or just your faces when you sleep ... it's over.Right now that it was so beautiful ... but I should have known, didn't I? I should have known that it couldn't last. Something like this has never lasted long with me ... I had a good time as a kid with my parents and they died. There was someone I loved and he died. I spent the best time of my life with you ... and you died. I should have known. I should have known long ago that this would happen again. I probably just haven't been able to have a good life ... of course, a few good times, but until now ... they have always ended ... so suddenly, so cruelly. And besides, all bad things come in threes, right?
But you know what? I can still understand if I am not allowed to have a simple, beautiful life like so many other people. But it just doesn't get into my head why so many people I've loved ... even you ... have to die just to make it clear to me all over again.Unfair, right? I mean, I should have known! Maybe I could even have prevented it. ... oh, a proverb comes to mind: "Does the strider choose the path or does the path choose the strider?" I don't know where I got this from ... I've racked my brains about it several times ... but you can be proud of me, I now know an answer. One cannot choose one's destiny ... destiny chooses you ... And I believe that this path is a circle. Life is just a constant repetition of events, isn't it? To a certain extent, everything repeats itself. That's why I should have known that sooner or later you would die because of me. If not necessarily by my hand ... your mere friendship with me was enough to ruin your lives ... I'm sorry. So sorry ... I could have prevented it, should have prevented it, but I didn't ... do you forgive me? You're welcome…What am I talking about? I ask you if you can forgive me ... of course you can't. You are dead and the dead cannot forgive the living, no matter how nice that would be ... I made a fatal mistake, a mistake that cost you your life, and I will have to live with it. I'll have to live with the fact that I killed you, I'll have to live with the fact that I didn't even tell you how important you were to me ... that I didn't know how important you were to me. Another unfair thing in life: no matter how much something means to you, you only notice it when it is irretrievably lost ... I never told you that I love you ... now it's too late ... I never told you how much you mean to me ... it's too late ... much too late ... I wish I could at least say goodbye, at least say goodbye to you ... but that was never granted to me, so why should it be like this now? ... Why was I chosen by this path ...?Ha, yes, I'm making it easy for myself again. Just blame everything I did wrong on my fate ... or better yet, blame yourself for just dying like that, without my consent ...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry ... my head is completely confused ... no wonder ... but tell me one thing: what should I do now? Now that you, the only ones who gave my life any real meaning, are dead? I mean ... you let me into paradise just to kick me out again ... and now you can't live outside of this paradise anymore. But why should I? Why should I go on living? There is no more reason, there is nothing left to hold me! Nothing! And even if I wanted to, I can't go on. Because everything would just repeat itself again. I would possibly find again, only to lose again ... even if nobody meant as much to me as you ... And if I carried on now, if I found someone again, and then I lost them again, then they would die again , and only because he meant something to me ...No, I won't let that happen. I shouldn't let anyone die again because of me ... I'll end this for good. Here and now. I just wish I had realized sooner what to do. I wish I had done it sooner. Because now it's too late to save you. I just hope that at least someone else will be saved through this ... to at least pay off a little bit of the guilt I have put on myself through my blindness and naivety.
The path may choose the strider, but the strider still has the choice to leave the path when he gets tired of walking. And that's exactly what I'm going to do now. I am tired. It's time I finally got some rest ...

Hm ... yes, so the sentence that forms the heading, I got from a trilogy of ... yes, Garth Nix is ​​the poorest ... that's what made me think ... so I'm not surprised XD my, that was back in a phase where I like to philosophize about death ...ciao, your namida