Chapter 4: As long as we trust in our own courage and look forward with hope, everything is fine.

"You are looking for a way out? You will die someday anyway, but you can spare Kagome all of this ... your death would destroy her soul ... the only way to prevent this would be if you leave her behind, let her forget you ..."

Her face, her eyes, how could I leave someone like that? She turned to me as if she could hear my thoughts.
I looked at her, this sadness, this fear ... could pain be erased with pain? Wouldn't she cry for me anymore if she started hating me?
The decision was difficult, just the thought of not being able to see her anymore, hurting her made me break inside.
"How puny ... you cry for me, even though you know it was my will?"
What did i say And in what kind of repellent tone?
Did that mean that I had already made up my mind?I really wanted to turn her away?
"This is the only right way!" I heard this voice say again ...
Maybe I found a way to escape this fate. A way to return to her with a clear conscience?
"Inuyasha?
I tried to respond with a malicious look on my name. He should look as serious as possible, even if it actually brought tears to my eyes.
"What is it?" I almost yelled at her. I let all of my grief and anger, at myself, turn into anger.
She took a step away from me and tried to understand my actions in her mind, but her unreal shaking of the head suggested that she couldn't find any reason for it.
It came to me to see her standing there, so lonely and desperate. She was already afraid for me and now I pushed her away from me too, no wonder she reacted that way.
I turned my back to her before she saw the tear that had formed in the corner of my eye.Did a person actually have no control over their emotions?
"Your behavior makes me sick! I'm leaving! Just let me live in peace!"
I ran ... before I knew it I was just running through numerous bushes. I didn't even notice her call anymore. I just wanted to get away, as far away as possible, it was hard enough, I would never be able to stand around her ...

Every detail, every touch, every word, everything had burned itself into me over the years. I hadn't seen her since that day. My new home had become the western province, a small human village in which I built a house on the edge of the village. I was human, I was forced to live like this ...
I wanted little to do with the people in the village. The longer I lived there, the stronger the fear of being discovered grew in me. I had traveled a lot, there were certainly travelers who would recognize me ... at that time I only had one choice ...
I cut my hair and became human ...It hurt to look in the mirror, I only saw a normal person now, a person like any other.
My red suikan? I picked it up, it was clear, but I already had human clothes that I wore ... There were no demons to protect myself from, just a field that needed to be dug ...
Yes, whenever I sat alone in my little hut towards evening I had to think back to that day. That darned gem has not spoken up a single time since then. Not a night went by that I didn't ask myself these damn what-if questions. Could I have been so happy with Kagome too?
More than once I felt the urge to come back, but I was afraid ... Afraid that she might have returned to her time, or worse, that she had died ... At night I dreamed of all sorts of possibilities that she had in the meantime 10 years ago.
Sometimes I even cry, something I would never have believed ... some nights I lay on my mat and tears ran down my cheeks.Not only because I missed her, it's also the loneliness that has plagued me since then.
And now? I live my everyday life and like after every hard day I sat over my rice bowl and had to think of all kinds of memories from the past.
A candle stood in front of me and gave off a little light with its flickering flame.
I sighed and looked hypnotized into the flame.
How had Miroku and Sango fared in the meantime?
I got up from my wooden table and took a long breath so I could blow out the candle in one go. In a flash the whole hut sank into a deep black. I took a step towards my bed for the night when I heard a few steps that seemed to come closer to me.
"Who's there?" I said in a low voice, knowing that it was just my imagination again. I often imagined footsteps or similar noises in my loneliness.
"You're still awake ..." came a familiar voice in the darkness.A voice I hadn't heard in ten years. At this sound, it ran down my spine as cold as ice.
I turned in the direction I suspected the owner of the voice was. But I didn't really know what to answer, it was like a voice that I always heard in my dreams ... is this a dream too?
"Why did you run away?"
I took a step back, reluctant to answer that question. The thought that everything could come back inside me closed my throat.
"Don't you dare to say anything ... in any case you should finally think about the honor of the family ..."
I felt my right hand clench into a fist, what did he know about family honor. As if I would voluntarily live in human form and struggle with the sadness within me every day.
"You don't understand anything!" I hissed at him, just waiting for him to start drawing his sword like he always did.That was the perfect situation for him to finally let me disappear from the face of the earth.
But he just laughed. He laughed out loud and I noticed him getting closer to me.
"I let you live in peace for the whole 10 years, I gave you time to get over everything and look for a way to become a half-demon again! But you have nothing better to do than live this human life ... what a shame ..."
I couldn't really follow his words, but for some reason they worried me inside.
"You useless half-blood! I have protected this village all the years from all the demons who sought the jewel in you and you say nothing?"
Suddenly I understood, it felt like a veil slowly thinning around me ... Had I only lived in a dream world up to now? I never noticed that HE was around ...
"I ..." I caught my breath. The whole time I always believed that he would loathe me, hate me ... while ... he was always around me ..."What do you want from me?" for the first time my voice had regained its old strong tone. It was like old times, I shook everything off myself ... My view of the past was lost for this moment.
There was an abhorrent hiss from my brother's side, but I ignored that familiar hiss, as I have always done before.
"What should I do?" I yelled at him, struggling with the despair inside of me. If there had been a way, I would have taken it long ago.
"You are pathetic ..." was his last word before he disappeared through the entrance with strong steps.
Then I was just pathetic ...
Then I was a shame for the family ...
But it didn't get me anywhere if I looked for something without knowing what ... How could I come back to life? If there had been a possibility, Kikyou would have used it a long time ago ... although it hasn't shown itself over the years.If my brother found me, why didn't she?
I was still standing in the same place, unchanged. My brother protected me all the time? That fact still didn't go into my head ... Protect? How did he even know that word?
I felt my bones become wobbly and braced myself on the nearby table. Suddenly an unfamiliar feeling came over me, I noticed how my blood flowed more strongly through my veins and my pulse began to race, what was this feeling? I knew it ... it was ...
I froze…
That feeling, it was the natural feeling I always got when a demon approached. The thought that the village might be attacked made me feel sick ... I hadn't fought for too long ... especially not as a person ...
The first scream reached my ear, proving my fears to be true. As a reflex I ran out of my dark hut and saw demons crawling from every corner.My brother probably won't protect me any longer ... he was too disappointed in me ... but that there were so many demons, I hadn't expected that ...
I looked at my claws with horror, the claws that I had wanted for years and that had still not returned, was being human a curse?
The thought of escape kept growing in my head, I had no choice but to escape ... I was human, should I die here?
Determined, I ran back to my hut, packed my few "important" things and rushed out again.
I used to take steps towards the enemy, but now I only saw the forest, which stood before me like the only chance of survival. I heard the screams of pain and fear behind me, they rang in my ears for a long time ...
Fortunately for me, none of these hungry demons had noticed that their main meal had just finished.
And now? How many times had I asked myself this question ... how many times had I sat somewhere in the forest and wondered what are you doing now?I sat down on an old pine tree and took a breather while I let my gaze wander over my red bundle ... My Suikan and in it ... something to eat, a few apples and half a loaf of bread and in between ... Tessaiga ...
I hadn't noticed that I had pocketed Tessaiga in the rush ...
My brother had probably already given up looking for him, strange ...
I pulled it out of its sheath and looked at the rusty blade, which would not turn into the magnificent tusk any longer, no, not for a HUMAN!
One bite of the bread and my thoughts sank back into the past ... they clung to her again, to Kagome ... I hadn't thought of Kikyou for a long time, why should I? Although I actually had to ask myself why not? She was also "dead" ... like me ...
Was that what I should have been doing, the goal I should have been looking for? Kikyou?
But how should I find it, this was almost impossible, it appeared everywhere and if I hadn't always smelled it earlier ... I couldn't "sniff out" it ... it was impossible to reach ...A light breeze came over me and I let my gaze wander ...
What was that? I looked at a white