Author: Little Rose
Email: a.scharr@gmx.net

Song: No turning back
Artist: Farin Urlaub
Part: 1/2
Genre: Songfic, death
Pairing: indicated Seto x Joey

Comment: Well, I thought to myself, I'll upload a new FF of myself here again.




Once again a new day begins in my wretched life. The strong smell of alcohol finds its way to me and through the broken window screams of pain ring my ears. Everything is as always ... Why should it be different all of a sudden?
I peel myself off my already tattered clothes and put on my school uniform to silently leave my "room". Our "apartment" is more like a sunken house, with only isolated beams ensuring that the rest does not collapse as well. I leave the dilapidated building, still careful not to make a sound. If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's to be silent.
Like every day I go to the small pond in the city park to get rid of the dirt.The luxury of running water is not granted to me, even there is no electricity in our "apartment", but I got used to it quickly.
I look sadly at the sky, let the first rays of the sun light up my face. It's time for me to go to school or I'll just be late again. But what would that do? They all expect it from me anyway ...
The way to school seems longer to me than usual. There are couples in love everywhere who would love to never break away from each other. It makes me sad to see these people, I can only faintly remember the feeling of tenderness and love.
Something tells me that today, despite the cold and the many clouds in the sky, the day will be beautiful. I can't explain it, but I don't really care either. What should be beautiful on this day?
I finally arrive at the school. The school yard is already empty and if this were an old western film, a lonely bale of straw, driven by the light wind, would roll across the yard. Instead, the caretaker is already closing the gate - I'm too late again.A smile flies over my face when he sees me and holds the gate open for me. "Well, again too late, Joey?" He greets me. I just nod, he doesn't expect anything other than an answer from me anyway ...
I walk slowly to my current classroom. Why should I rush? I'm late anyway ...
I knock softly on the door, waiting to be allowed in. The teacher angrily opens the door for me, already has my punitive duties in hand. As always, I come up with a reason for my delay and am allowed to sit down with the tasks.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ You are standing by the window
and you look out ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The school bell rings and wakes me up. Confused, I look around, I don't understand what it means. My classmates storm out of the room. So what's going on? My friends stop in the door, amazed. "Joey, are you coming? You're usually one of the first to leave the classroom."Oh yes, it's pause ...
"Go ahead, I'll be right there." My voice is drunk asleep and I can only keep my eyes open with difficulty.
I slowly get up and go to the window. Yugi and the others are already sitting at our regular seat under an old tree.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ And outside the sun is shining
but deep night reigns in you ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Everyone walks around with short things, even Mr. Takashi, our world studies teacher, who usually wears a suit, has decided to wear a tank top and shorts. My gaze wanders to the school gate through which the Antarctic as a person is just passing.
Don't you sweat under your coat Alone in the shade are 32 ° C and the sun shines relentlessly - heats the earth up I wish I could romp around outside just as happily, but I am in the deepest darkness.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ If it weren't for the last bit of doubt in you
you would have made the last step long ago ~ * ~ * ~ * ~I have often asked myself what is the meaning of my life at all. I never find an answer, I just fall into the shadows. What is keeping me here? Fear alone does not allow me to do what I have wanted to do for a long time.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Nobody there who understands you
and knows what's going on inside you ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Yugi always wants to be there for me, he always tells me that I can come to him with my problems at any time. Once he really believed these words, but whenever I really needed him, he could not be reached. Now I keep my problems to myself, put on one of my many masks. You don't see tears. As well as? It doesn't exist- I can't cry anymore! My body is dehydrated, used up all tears a long time ago.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Walk through the streets and you see: around you, life is raging
but in you only death rages ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

In the afternoon, when I get home from school and walk through the crowded streets, my mask starts to crumble.Every time I realize how lonely I am. The many children who are around me laughing and doing something with their parents. When did I do something together with my parents? But I am silent, because I am expected.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ You would give everyone for an emergency exit from this life
or for a lifeboat ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Several times the thought occurred to me to simply run away from home, but I just couldn't cope on my own for long. With my strength at the end, half starved and dying of thirst, I would drag myself "home" after days and my father ... he would kill me, in his anger he would not even notice it. The next morning he would expect me to hide the wounds, make him breakfast, and buy his alcohol again. What else? I'm not capable of anything else ...
Where is the door with "Exit" above it in glowing letters? Where is the boat that is supposed to save us from drowning when the ship goes down?I can't find it ... I'm going under ...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ You don't know what to do with you anymore
you want to be everywhere, just not here ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Why can't a prince just come ridden on his white horse and take me with him? Why can't it just be like in fairy tales where you snap your finger and suddenly you're somewhere else? Why can't it be like that? I don't want to be here ... anywhere just not here ...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ never again lovesickness,
never alone again ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I'm tired of lying alone on my bed in the evening and sadly staring at the ceiling. Why can't you just fall in love with me too?
Without noticing, I followed you with my eyes the whole time. You lean against the wall of the house, your gaze cold as ever, a cigarette butt in your fingers. How long have you been smoking?
But what's that to do with me? You'll never be mine anyway. This pain in my heart ... I don't want to feel it anymore ... I never want to be alone again, I want to finally be able to hold you in my arms and know that you love me.But it will never come like this ...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ No more bad luck,
never again happiness ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

My life seems soaked with bad luck. Every time something unexpected, painful or embarrassing happens to me, no matter what I do. I can hardly remember when I last met luck. Sure, Yugi has often bailed me out and sometimes, if only rarely, I can help Yugi. Of course you need a bit of luck for that, but when was the last time I did something on my own? Someone was always there and helped me, shared their happiness with me. I don't want any of this anymore ...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ No kiss in the rain
and no sunset ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I often sit in the park after school because I'm scared of going home. On rainy days, couples in love are often there, protecting each other from the rain. It is not uncommon for them to sink into each other's eyes and kiss. Why can't something like that drive me again?Believe it or not, I'm almost 17 years old and have never kissed anyone in my life.
I can't even remember the sunset. I'm already home, usually passed out and beaten up, when the sun goes down. Night has long since fallen when I slowly come to and drag myself to my room.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Make sure it is true:
There's no going back ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I leave the classroom, walk down the hallways - without a goal, without a purpose. Nobody is here yet, I'm alone in the building and they all expect me to join them. I sink into my thoughts, thinking about my life over and over again. Only a light pinch brings me back to reality. I look around in amazement. The school roof ... what am I doing here?

In some places the old fence that was supposed to serve as a barrier was torn. What if I rushed down from here?If I took advantage of the old fence ... Would anyone care? Even bother someone that I'm no longer there? No, why should I ... I'm a nobody ...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ You want yourself with a gun to your temple
Free from your pain for all eternity ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

A few weeks ago I accidentally found a gun on the street. I wasn't surprised about it, after all, I live in a dangerous neighborhood. Everyone here carries a gun. Only those who are no longer attached to their life walk around without protection, people like me. Actually, all of this contradicts itself, because everyone who ends up in this district has nothing more to lose ...
Most of them are drunkards like my father who lost their jobs.
I had imagined what it would be like to just shoot yourself on the spot, had even held her to my temple.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Should the twitch of your index finger actually
be the last act in your life?~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Doubts arose in me, refusing to admit that there is no other way out. I always hoped that everything would be fine. My father would find a new job and my parents would remarry. We would move into a big house, far away from here, and become happy. Everything just had to be fine again ...

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ your own pain ends
but please make one thing clear to yourself:
you just exchanged your suffering for another one ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I know I will not go to heaven because I have already committed too many sins for that. If there really is life after death, then I will go to hell, where I will continue to be tortured. I would