helloooo! finally there's something new from me again! i know i'm lazy -.-
this ff here is certainly not for everyone, but I hope you enjoy reading it and hope to see you ^^

What is it that makes my heart so heavy? Why do I want to be alone one moment and have my friends around me the next? Why are tears running down my cheeks? But why? How so?
Nothing happened, nothing at all! I'm neither in puberty nor in the mid-life crisis that I should have such emotional fluctuations. I am neither a child nor a teenager, neither a teenager nor an adult. Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere? I have friends, I have a family, I have relatives and I have acquaintances. But why is that suddenly not enough for me? Why am I dissatisfied?

From yesterday to today it became clear to me that I really don't know anything about myself. Sure, that sounds really stupid, but that's how I feel.I have a lot going through my head. Most of all, I am concerned with the questions of who I am now. What is my true nature.
I doubt. Since yesterday I have been doubting the self that I have built for almost 19 years. My personality. My inner attitude towards life.

I doubt myself.

Could it be that I played something to everyone around me for 18 years without knowing it or wanting to? Is it possible that I betrayed everyone I met? Could it be that I showed everyone a different side of myself?

I've been asking myself these questions since someone told me that I was special to them. He says he has never met someone like that. He confessed to me that he loved me very much. But what does that mean? How can that be? When those who have known me for almost 19 years tell me to my face that they don't want me. I am too selfish and lazy for them.So how can it be that someone loves me? Maybe he only thinks so because he hasn't known me long. I am also very fond of him, but unfortunately I don't feel for him the way he seems to feel for me.
But through him I started to discover new sides of myself. It was he who raised these doubts in me. When I told him about it, he tried everything possible to dispel my doubts. Why? He raised it, it's his fault that I don't even trust myself because I don't know if I'm honest. Honest with him, honest with my friends, family and honest with me.

I wonder if I'm the only one who has such stupid thoughts. And most of all, I wonder why I want to know. Why do I ask myself such questions. Why is that?
As I said, I'm no longer through puberty, but I'm not an adult either. Anyway, I don't feel that way.
I would just like to know why, after 18 years in which you had a beautiful childhood but a less happy youth, you are questioning your personality, which should really only now have been shaped.Why don't you even know for yourself whether you are playing something to other people that affects you?
What do you call this phase of life between "not being a teenager" and "not yet grown up"? Maybe ... "Growing up"?