I had drawn a gun. Not only that, I had them aimed at the person who meant the most to me, the only person who had ever meant anything to me. Adrian, I love you, I love you so much, but we cannot live together and be happy with each other. Because there are too many who do not accept that and there is one too many who do not want to release me. Can you guess what I got through for you! You beat me, humiliated me, half killed me. The only thing that kept me alive was you, I always had your face in front of you, how you looked at me lovingly, I could still feel your tender lips, gently touching mine and how your tongue merged with mine, like the two of us one became how you loved me with affection. Every touch you made made me shiver with happiness - so I thought while they beat and humiliated me, even half killed me. If you would redeem me now, I would be forever free and you could follow me to heaven, where we would be united forever ... where our love lasts forever and no one could part us ...I'm so happy to see you, but I feel like a traitor.
I aim the gun and I seem to want to do what I could never do. Never, do you hear, I could never harm you Adrian. Even if you wanted me to. And now I wanted you to do just that for me. You should give me freedom Adrian. If you can. Nobody before you has ever made it, but with you I know it. With a tremor, but still firmness in my voice, I squeeze out the hurtful words. I inform you that I am going to N.Y. want to go to my brother who has found me and loves me - a beautiful dream that I have dreamed many times, but which is not real. I've never had a family that loved me unconditionally. Only you Adrian have always been there for me and I will never forget that. My biological brother seems to me like a monster who wants to suppress me, make me unhappy and desperate.He demands that I kill you Adrian, my love. But I could never do that. While I am telling you my plan to go to my brother, I see your confused look and can imagine how the words I just said echo through your head. How you can't understand that I don't want to be with you anymore because you finally know that I love you.
As before, the first time we met, I have the feeling of looking into your soul, seeing your despair, your love, your disappointment and your past.
Suddenly I notice your fear, the way you look at me in horror. Your hand reaches for a knife that's right next to you on the table - just like I planned. Adrian, you look confused, but you are doing the right thing - believe me ... if you love me, there is nothing you can do better to me now.
I drop the letter from my other hand when I feel a stab of pain in my heart.It feels the same as when you are in emotional pain. I feel my eyes getting wet and tears streaming down my cheeks. Please hug me again Adrian, give me one last kiss until we meet again - in heaven, in paradise, where we are both received by God and who lets us live in his heavenly castle, where no one follows us and want to separate.
Now I'm yours, Adrian, all by yourself. My flesh, my blood, even my heart - it's all yours! You have finally released me from my suffering, from my miserable life in this world. I am finally free and can go from here.
But don't leave me alone, I can't be without you any more than you can be without me, can you?
Follow me Adrian, into our newly created world, in which only we both exist.
Follow me soon because I'm scared without you, scared of being all alone.
I sink to the ground and feel the life pouring out of my body.One last time I look at you and smile the way you like it.
That was the last thing I did in this world - smiled, and the last thing I saw - your face.
Now I can only do one thing - wait for you to come to me and look me in the eyes with your tender gaze, lovingly, as you always do.

I'll wait no matter how long it takes ...

... because one thing I have now - eternity ...

... and the certainty that you will not leave me alone.