'How did it happen?
'How could that happen?
'How could he do that?
'But …. why ... why did I let that happen? '
This closeness. I had never seen him like that. What made him do this? I thought we were friends ... best friends. But why? He was like a brother to me, I could never imagine feeling something like love for him. Oh yes, love…. Why do I always get in trouble when I feel something for someone? It has often been the case that the boy in question didn't want anything from me, but why did he of all people? After my last relationship, I didn't even know if I could ever feel something like love for someone again. Yet…. why exactly this person ???? How could it be him ??? He was always the boy who gave me a stop when I needed it. When I had problems or just needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. Always ... How could I not have noticed? His gestures, his encouraging words, his compliments….everything helped make his feelings for me stronger. Okay, he didn't even look bad. I had to admit that. His black, soft hair, his green-blue eyes, which most of the girls have been drowned in by looking at them, his charming and attentive manner and his warm, soft smile with which he always infected the others. But I had known him for so long, but I had never taken it seriously. Whenever I got upset with him about all the assholes that called themselves boys, I never noticed how hard he tried to convince me otherwise. He almost made it. If it weren't for his awkward way of pleasing the girl he loved. But on the other hand it was always funny to see how he always tried to impress the girl. Most of the time it didn't work out, but he didn't let himself get down. Well, he definitely had self-confidence. Quite the opposite of me. Perhaps that is exactly why it attracts me like magic.His laughter in my memory slowly faded and another image appeared that I had been trying to suppress for a long time. Pointless. After a while, I just gave up and let my thoughts run free. How should I know what that could do? Everything came up again like a waterfall gushing out of me. The kiss. I had to flinch. I sat all alone on the bench. I was freezing. My whole body was shaking. Starting from my shoulders to my toes. I just couldn't forget the picture. My best friend approached me. Closer and closer. Like never before. But it was precisely this closeness that scared me. Very afraid, in fact. Could friendship turn into love at all? It was harder to breathe and I threw my arms around my slowly pale body so that I could at least get some warmth.
I wish he was here. Next to me. On this bench. Very close to me. Whenever I needed him, he was there and protected me from all the evil in the wide world, but at that moment when I needed him most, he was simply not there.He was gone. Far away. I would even freeze to death here voluntarily just so that I could experience this silence again, which I felt at that moment. With him and with no other boy. At that moment, I just wished that he was here and hugged me or whispered something in my ear and made me smile again. We always had so much fun together. Just the two of us. But at the moment I didn't feel like smiling. I had just lost my best friend. Accidentally. The grip on my body grew stronger and I felt loneliness shoot up inside me. This feeling ate me away from the inside. I always wore a mask so that people around me wouldn't notice how weak and fragile I really was. Just like a vase. I always mimed the strong and the irrepressible, but that was only deceptive. Slowly this mask crumbled around my face and everyone could look inside me.In the real me. All these years I tried to hide it. In vain. My whole veins pulsed like crazy, as if I had lost control of my body and he did what he wanted to me. I didn't seem to be fighting back. How nice it would be to feel his closeness again, to touch him, to feel him, to be with him ... You only experienced something like this once in a lifetime. But my life was just beginning! It can't be over yet! Or does it? I was still in shock. As if opened, I looked into the void. How could one little kiss turn my whole life upside down so quickly? I can't imagine that in the least. But it is true. A small, harmless kiss. His shocked look broke my heart as I spoke the words that weren't true. You were wrong. You were a lie. "I don't love you ..." If I could go back, I would really like to undo that, but I knew that it couldn't and that I had to live with it.Even if I needed time, calm and understanding. I'll get over losing my best friend to a silly kiss, I'll get over breaking his heart, and I'll get over how I hurt him with my words as I did with a slap in the face. But I can do it. For sure. But still……
I still wish so badly that he was here. Next to me. On this bench. Very close to me.