Winter ... a great time. Many small flakes fall tightly from the sky and bathe the landscape in a heavenly white. No human or animal can be seen in the white expanse. They all sleep or enjoy the warmth around them that they share with others in their hiding places.

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But the innocence of the snow can be deceiving.

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Snow ... what is it? Like the rain, it is an accumulation of the sorrow of all people. An accumulation of tears and grief, despair and hate, fear and happiness. But, unlike the rain, the snow appears in a different form. He wants to show us that all grief, all pain, everything has an end at some point. The shed tears fall from the sky in an icy form as a sign of hope. But when hope is misused, the snow turns into a storm and destroys everything around it.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. -

I am sitting here. Snow keeps falling from the sky, but I can't be happy about it. Snow ... I haven't believed for a long time that it symbolizes hope. Why? It is scientifically proven how it is created and what it is. So why should I believe what my thoughts are trying to convince me? I can not do it, either. My thoughts promise me so much. Try to comfort me But they only tell lies. Nothing is true what they say. Why do they even exist? Can't I just forget things that have happened? I've hoped for so many times. Trusted in all sorts of things that only gave me some comfort from this bitter world. Why am I actually thinking about it, why I can't just not think about something? Question after question. Answers about answers. All lies. And complicated. I don't want to stay here.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. -I've been sitting here for two hours. Under a bridge where I don't have to feel the snow It's bitter cold and the river in front of me is frozen over. If it hadn't frozen over, I would have thrown myself into it long ago. But it doesn't work. I will probably die from the cold, here where no one will find me.

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I'm shivering. It is so cold that I can no longer think clearly. But one thought always circles. The thought of why. When I see the word why, so many questions arise. Every question answered with a lie. I wanted to know the truth. No longer have a sad look. Have clarity and certainty. I got it too. Just different than expected. Completely different.

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I cry. I haven't been able to laugh for a long time. About what too. For me, life was just a sea of ​​disappointment. There was never any consolation. Apparently I didn't deserve it either. Strange.Those who did not deserve the consolation and redemption get it and those who need it have to continue suffering. Until they can't take it anymore and kill themselves. And then it is often said that they were too weak or even too cowardly to live. But what do they already know. You have never experienced the pain that makes you do something like this. You don't know how it is. But they want to have a say.

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I am no longer sitting under the bridge. I walk through the snowy streets of my home town. I do not wanna die. And not yet. I want to think. One more time. Maybe then everything will become clear to me. Why you did this to me

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If I had known that you would hurt me like this one day, then ... Yes, what then? I love you. Even after you did this to me. Whenever I have to think of you, tears come to me.You have disappointed me. As much as I could never imagine. Now the pain is rampant and is eating up my body and soul. I have given up hope of recovery. She's just as disappointing as you are.

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How much I wish to be an angel Above all to be able to escape here. To be able to spread my wings and get where I will be better off. Without pain. I want to be a white angel. As white as the snow. You will be a black angel and together we will start again. Forget the past and enter the future that will be our new home. We will be opposites, but still fit together perfectly.

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How many times have I dreamed this since you cheated on me. Killed my family. Spared me saying you're not worth dying Fled. And jumped into death's arms2 days have passed since then and I can't believe that I've held out for so long. At the very beginning I was afraid of death. The uncertainty of what he would be had put me off. But now the fear is gone like a dove. It won't be long before I follow you. In our future.

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I stop. I am now on a mountain. My feet burn like hell, but I don't mind. My emotional pain makes this pain fade. I lie down on the floor. Think again about my life. I shut my eyes. Life ... life has so many meanings ... can mean so many things. Life means something different to everyone. But no one can really answer the question of what life is.

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I've thought enough. I will come to you now. We will be reunited. Just like I've always wanted.I get up and walk through the thick snow with my eyes closed. Towards the abyss in front of me. I don’t want to see when he’s coming. He should just be there and lead me to death so that at least one wish of mine can come true.

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I fly. Opened my eyes. And I'm glad. I can laugh. Because I feel the feeling of freedom and independence. It gives me courage. Now I could imagine life. I fall into the abyss and panic. What if I can do something for freedom. Then I don't want to die! Just look what you did! I'm falling to my death because I was blind from love for you! I'm gonna die because of you I do not wanna die! Why did you do that to me? Just why? I'm afraid! Why does nobody help me? Why can't i be an angel Why can't I fly away from death, why not? I do not wanna die!!!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. -The black abyss is very close. Nobody saves me. Nobody helps me. I see the bottom. I - - -

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There are no angels, otherwise hope would not have died.
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