I slowly run my hand through the snow. It's cold, almost as cold as I feel. My clothes are already soaked, but I don't mind.
My breath rises in little clouds from my slightly open mouth. I look after him dreamily. I'm shivering.
How long have I been lying here in the snow? A minute? Two days? Time had long since lost all meaning to me. For a moment I think about whether I shouldn't get up and go back. But immediately I reject the idea again. Why should I? Nobody was waiting for me anyway?
A silent sigh slips from my now blue lips. Before you would have waited for me. Before, I would have had a reason not to just lie there. But that was a long time ago. I'm not blaming you for choosing differently. In fact, I think it was the most decent thing you ever did. This eternal uncertainty, do you even know how it tore me apart?Every day a little more?
I don't know because I never asked you about it. Now the day comes back to my mind when you told me about your decision.
'Kagome' you said and 'I need to talk to you. 'At that time you looked at me so seriously that I was scared. I still don't know what about that, but despite this fear I went with you back then. I loved you. What else should I have done?
Then you went with me to the holy tree and looked at me sadly over and over again. When we got to the place where we first met, you hugged me. You closed me tightly in your arms and said that you were sorry.
,What are you sorry for? 'I then asked you uncertainly. Then you pushed me away from you and looked at me so seriously again. I had never seen you like this before.
, I chose Kikyo.'you replied at the time. That one sentence that I had been afraid of all those years ago, at that moment it seemed to have become meaningless to me. I think something shattered inside of me at that moment. Was it my heart My hope? My dreams? I do not know. The only thing I know is that everything suddenly seemed so empty and meaningless. And in the middle of this emptiness you stood, just you alone. As I said, I still don't blame you for it. No, if I'm honest, I'm even grateful to you. Thankful for this smooth break, otherwise I would have completely burst that day. Instead, I just accepted it. I just wanted to be around you. It didn't seem important to me that day whether you reciprocated my feelings or not. The main thing is that you were with me.
I still remember your puzzled look when I told you that I wanted to stay.You probably thought that I wouldn't be able to keep my word for long, but I did. Until even the last feeling in my chest was gone and I fell into darkness and cold.
How long ago was that day now? I do not know. I don't know so much when I think about it now. What do I even know? Maybe one should ask the question like that.
Your hug comes to mind right away. I know what an incredible warmth flooded me back then, back then, in your arms. How much I see myself afterwards to feel this warmth again. I'm addicted to it.
But no matter what I have ever done, that warmth never came back. And that's exactly why I'm here now. I am looking for this warmth. I am looking for my feelings. I'm looking for the person I used to be.
The ground below is cold, even now its cold penetrates deep into me through my clothes. Somebody once told me that you get warm before you freeze to death.One should be able to forget all worries…. But where is the heat now? My inner being consumes with longing for her, but she does not come. She doesn't want to come.
A single snowflake falls on my face, then another. And soon countless of these little ice crystals are falling down from the sky.
I watch them fascinated. , As if heaven were crying…. 'it comes to my mind. But of course that is nonsense. Heaven doesn't cry. He can't do it at all. Just like me. I can't cry either. No more. I now lack the feeling that I always needed to do this. Just like all other emotions. Inside, I died a long time ago.
My vision is slowly becoming blurred. Am i dying now But where is the heat then? Where is the peace in me? Is he not coming? Will I never be redeemed?
It takes some time before I realize that it is not my eyes that are becoming cloudy, but my surroundings. Meanwhile the snowflakes form an impenetrable wall in front of me.Even if I had decided to go back to the others now, I probably wouldn't have been able to. Somehow that makes me easier.
Suddenly I see a figure appear next to me. At first I can only see blurry outlines, but slowly they become clearer and clearer. The person's long hair is blowing in the light wind that came up along with the snow. This hair ... it's white ... Did you come Have you been looking for me I hardly want to believe it. I slowly prop myself up with my hands on the floor, slowly straighten my upper body. Strange, why does my body still obey me?
Now the person is getting closer. Next I can see something long, white over the right shoulder of this one. No, you don't come there. I sigh in disappointment. It's only your half-brother coming. I hoped in vain. Slowly I want to slide back into the snow, but suddenly a deep male voice breaks the silence."You humans are so weak," she says. I stop moving and even manage to look up indignantly at your half-brother. I want to start with an angry answer, but then this feeling leaves me again, which had made me pause. Again I am empty. Again I fall into the depths. When will it finally be over? I long for this day. I wish him so much.
Slowly the person comes closer. Now the outlines become sharper. I can see your half-brother's face with the blue crescent moon on his forehead and look into his golden eyes. There is a strange expression in these. Is it pity No, that can't be. I've probably been lying in the snow for far too long and my senses are certainly playing tricks on me. Or am I going crazy? That would be a shame. I managed not to go mad for so long and now maybe he should have caught up with me after all? Now that I finally wanted to be free again?Suddenly I feel something warm and soft being placed around my shoulders. It's your half-brother's fur. I look up in amazement.
"People don't tolerate the cold." Is his only comment.
Can't stand the cold…. Yes, there is something to it. I really can't stand the cold and that's why I'm here.
"I don't need it.", I say and want to give the fur back to him, but he doesn't accept it.
"You will die," he says calmly. It is a statement, nothing more and nothing less.
"I'm already dead," I answer. That's actually true. My heart died a long time ago and now I finally want to follow.
"You are such weak creatures.", Your half-brother simply says and bends down to me. I am amazed to feel how he puts an arm under the back of my knees and one under my armpits. Then he picks me up and I lean against him. I can't help it. Nobody has held me in their arms for so long.'His body is so warm ...' I think and close my eyes slightly. This warmth…. It penetrates deep into me and fills me up to the last pore. How long has it been since I've ever felt this way? I even know the answer to that. In your arms, Inuyasha. But this is not you. It is your half-brother.
It is he who holds me in his arms and saves me from freezing to death and not you. It is his warmth that he shares with me and not yours. It is he who has awakened the first feeling in me for a long time, even if it was just anger. It was an inner impulse that tore me out of the blackness for a short time and now it is his closeness that drives the cold out of me again. Not entirely, but more than I'd ever dared dream. Like a drowning one, I cling to him, your half-brother. Only now do I notice the numbness in my limbs, which is slowly receding. Because of him, just because of him and not because of you.For some reason, security creeps into my heart. I feel safe in the arms of your half-brother whom you hate so much. Isn't that strange?
And then a wish arises in me. So strong that I can't hold it back. I don't want to be alone anymore. No more. I don't want to sink back into this blackness that has held me captive for so long. But I will sink into it again if no one saves me and keeps me on the surface.
"Sesshoumaru, please, don't leave me." I mumble into his fur. I wouldn't survive if he left me now too. Now that he's only just saved me. In so many ways.
He doesn't answer, but neither would he have been Sesshoumaru if he had. Instead, he just pushes me closer to his body. This change is barely noticeable, but I have long since learned to read between the lines.
I trustingly drop my head against his shoulder.This gesture ... it's answer enough for me.