When a bass player silently pleads for forgiveness ...

[Nobody understands the point of living so sadly on for me
I have no more desires, every day I bear to live
Everyone looks down at me with dead eyes
To be alone in this half-dark room, in a friendly atmosphere
My dearest friend, my most intimate place
Father, mother, forgive me, but I'm going from the never-ending
Carried away by a torrent of pain
It is my wish to stop the clock like this
I'll close my eyes because of that
Thanks to all of you for your "positive thinking"
I hate you laughing to death who pretend to be sad so easily
What means "to live" for me is "to die" for you
The power of this feeling crushes me, again today
The mass media easily makes news of our grief
How can the religious believers pretend?
as if it were what we feel as "life" and "blood",
can give no other answer than "die"?
Even when I sleep, no one should leave flowers in my place at school
I DON'T WANT THE STAGING OF TRAUER
This world made us
This world killed us]

Kaoru stared at the first paragraph of the letter he had found in his jacket pocket. It was from Toshiya, he recognized his writing, neat and tidy. But the words did not suit him at all.

[Kaoru, I want to tell you I'm sorry. You're in so much trouble because of me, because of me little bastard. I shouldn't have kissed you for fun, shouldn't have pissed you off, and I shouldn't have said you were my dream man. All of that, too, during an interview. That was just kidding. I didn't mean to get you in trouble, really not ... I only realized how uncomfortable you were when you fired me into the nearest corner. "Asshole" you called me. For the first time you insulted me like that. I've gone too far, haven't I? It wasn't fun anymore for you.My sick sense of humor ... But what am I trying to apologize for? I can't get it out of the world. Everywhere it is said that we are a couple, it is stupid. But if the gossip from the media annoys me, how are you? I'm sure you'll throw things at the TV again when something is going on over us. Then Shinya and Die have to calm you down first.
I'm so sorry
You're totally mad at me, understandable, because of me everyone now thinks you're gay.
Forgive me.
Starting over does not help either, you will make sure that you never forget the incident.
I'm so sorry
Even if you do not notice it, Shinya, Die and Kyo have also been bad at me since then. Logical, I ruined our band.
Forgive me.]

The leader himself had already noticed that the other three Toshiya were avoiding the way. This time he really had gone too far. Dir en gray were publicly ridiculed. (Only various fans thought it was great)
"Throw him out!", Kaoru heard Shinya shout angrily.
"We don't have a replacement yet!", Kyo yelled back.
Kaoru sighed, this has been going on for a while ...

[I don't want you to ignore me. Shout at me, hit me or humiliate me, but please don't pretend I'm not there! I can't go on like this, please! I have already lost all trust in you, unfortunately. You were the only people I ever trusted ...]

"I can't go on like this and I don't want to either!" Shinya said in a damn loud tone.
"Do you believe me? I won't go on like this, his fans stick with him, Kaorus against him. But most of them are against him anyway. Let's admit it: He screwed it up!" Said the singer.

[You're talking about my sacking. Behind my back. If I'm supposed to go, please tell me in the face. Or would you prefer to write me a note because you don't want to talk to me.I'll go, you just have to say it. But by the time you're reading this, Kaoru-san, I'll be gone. Now I'm even saying "-san", I feel so shit.
But please tell them that I thought it was very nice that he tried to talk to me. He was the only one who had even tried, with no success. I couldn't get a word out and he must have thought I didn't want to talk to him. Tell him I wanted to but couldn't.]

She actually went to Totchi once. But he just sat there and stared at him. He talked to him, encouraged him, but Toshiya did not speak.

[I was afraid to talk. But I will never forget that you wanted to help me, Die (Note: Toshiya deliberately does not write "-san" on Die). But I'm not sure if you will stick with me now.]

"He made fun of us. In my opinion, he didn't deserve the second chance ..." said Die quietly, "but in the end we still need Kao's opinion."

[Well, it sure is against me too, Die-SAN.]

"Hey, Kao, are you listening to us?" Grumbled Kyo.
"What are you reading there? You've been staring at it the whole time!", Shinya tried to catch a glimpse, in vain.
Kaoru pulled the sheet away and said: "Listen to this, just these sentences:"

[Kyo-san, Shinya-san, Die-san and you too, Kaoru-san, please forgive me. I will make sure that it continues with Dir en Gray - without me.]

Kaoru only read this part of the letter, after all, it was addressed to him and not to everyone.
"How is he going to do that? It's stupid ...", Kyo sneered.
Meanwhile Dir en grays leader got up and went out, still reading.

[As sorry as I am, but to make things right I need your help, Kaoru-san. Please come to the subway station as soon as you've read this. ](Note: That could be any subway station, but Kao and Totchi have the Shining and so Kaoru knows which station Toshiya means * g *)Kaoru arrived at the station. Still holding the letter in his hand, he looked for Toshiya. But that was not necessary, because Kaoru had already expected and ran purposefully towards him.
"You are here, thank you. Leave everything else to me!" He said sadly. He didn't expect an answer from Kaoru.
He let the younger man drag him to the platform.
"Everyone here knows us, Kaoru-san, take off your hat!"
"Are you crazy? I put it on especially so that nobody recognizes me!"
"Come on!" Toshiya shouted. Many turned to the two of them. Toshiya looked at him depressed and shouted: "Take off your hat, KAORU NIIKURA VON DIR EN GRAY!"
The man shouted at him looked horrified. Now everyone finally looked at the two.
"Toshiya, what's the point?", Kaoru hissed.
"What do you mean, you never loved me ?! How can you do that to me? You lied to me the whole time, so you don't love me at all, so you're not a homo?" The bassist shouted melodramatically.
"What are you-", Kaoru began, but Totchi put his index finger on his lips and winked at him.
"I can't stand all of that. The en gray can't use a homo. SO YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED ME AND WE WERE NEVER TOGETHER BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GAY?", Toshiya emphasized and smiled nicely at Kaoru.
Kaoru stood there rooted to the spot. What was Toshiya actually doing here? He played the gays to get Kaoru off the hook.
Totchi turned around and looked plaintively in the direction of the guitarist.
"It's all good, everything would be done with that. Will you forgive me Kaoru-san?"

But Kaoru remained silent, he couldn't utter a sound.
"Hm, that's good too," Toshiya mumbled and looked at the tracks. He smiled softly.
"You really don't love me. You don't let a loved one die."
Kaoru laughed in disbelief: "What?"
But then the young bass player let himself fall on the tracks.

The 7pm train was just turning."Toshiya, get out of there!"
He didn't move.
He stood and stared at the floor.
Then he was gone.
Blood everywhere.
Everywhere parts of his delicate body.
People got down on their knees everywhere.
Pain and guilt spread in Kaoru's chest. He had let someone die out of selfishness and staged hatred. He didn't really hate him, Kaoru knew that. In 2 or 3 years they might have laughed about it. They drove Toshiya to death just because they feared for her reputation. There was blood on Kaoru's face, clothing, and letter, his letter. His blood. Kaoru noticed nausea and the urge to throw up. The feeling was confirmed by a look at the tracks. Tattered. Toshiya's torn hand. Totchi's beaming face appeared before the leader's eyes, so he had always laughed when the five of them sat together. How long has it been since he saw him laugh like that?
Kaoru was sorry. The blood-covered letter fell on the floor. Through self-doubting eyes he read the words on the back that he hadn't noticed before.

[I take all the blame, that's best. I'll settle it bloody or not, that remains to be seen. I don't care how.

Because we can never go back, we became sad
The calm and the vanished warmth of a torn dream
The voice wants to sing a lost song, no matter how unfulfilled
A rotten flower will no longer bloom
Isn't it sad, isn't it bitter
Leaving everything behind
Aah, when all is lost, you can no longer cling to the warmth
Wounds that do not want to go away can be exposed
Sympathy? Your insides are teeming with vermin
Look, the city is weathering evenly and everything is transforming
Nowhere is there a place to live, I laugh with an extinct laugh
Aah, the end of sadness, we breathe certain death
Aah, someday, someday the day will come when we laugh from the heart'Cause I can never go back, never go back
The tears have lost their meaning when the grief disappears, at some point
(Note: MUCC - Kanashimi no hate The last sentence is really true, isn't it?)

It's over with me, your insides are full of vermin, but they also die at some point and then hopefully you'll be the Kaoru again, whom I once knew and liked. Ganbatte no, my dear! ]

Dead, Toshiya had died. The body was so torn that his corpse couldn't even be laid out.
Shinya, Kyo and Die prayed, Kaoru lit an incense stick and placed her with the other three.

"Do you think he'll forgive us?" Shinya asked later.
Kaoru was silent at first, then he said: "Sure, we're his friends!"
Kyo nodded. Shinya looked at him in thanks. She was still praying, but then went to the others.


Half a year after Toshiya's death Dir en gray gave a concert in honor of their deceased bass player, thanked them for