// Yes ... I was happy ... For a long time of loneliness and sadness ... But I was not granted this happiness ... I don't know why, why people, even though they know exactly how you are, keep teasing those old scars over and over again. They must be aware that it hurts me. So ... why? ... What did I do wrong, that nobody takes me into consideration. Not on my feelings and not on my soul ...
Yes ... my soul ... black, like the night and deeply scarred. The soul of my body fell into a big dark hole ... I fell into a big dark hole ...
Until ... until about two weeks ago ... My fall could hardly be stopped and the hard ground came threateningly close to me ... But it caught me. He held me tight and he never seemed to want to let go of me ... He pulled me up. From the infinite depths of my own soul, he pulled me up again. So much so that I could see light. To the extent that I could see over the edge of The Valley of Solitude and Sorrow ...
And he knew that for sure! He knew ... Knew that I was clinging to him ... My soul clings to him and there is a strong bond between him and me.
But it didn't hold him back ... He didn't care about it. Not in the least. He did not care. Just as I don't care about anyone ... Like a marginal phenomenon that is there, but not really worth mentioning.

Yes, he did it ... I had cut myself off emotionally, from everyone, no matter who it was ... I know that I hurt a lot of people. But that wasn't clear to me in the moments ... In the subconscious I had a hunch, but I never wanted it to be true and ignored it ... Now I know that it was a mistake. A mistake that will never be rectified and that affects my whole life ... He has done so until now and will probably continue to do so.I'm absolutely sure with this...

But ... why do people do this to each other? when they know very well that it is not good for their counterpart. And he may not be able to cope with it either, even if he pretends to be able to. To be strong. Not letting anything get near you ... Inapproachable ...

It's also funny that my own friends keep coming to me and reporting about their problems with which they would otherwise have been alone ... But they come to me, because they know that I will listen to them and give them an honest, will say sincere opinion. And stand by this too. Sure, sometimes you don't want to accept them, but deep down they also know that I was right. Yes, such objective opinions can be painful, but they are mostly telling the truth. Even if it hurts.
I also notice when a friend doesn't seem to be doing well. Then I go to him, talk and try to help. Of course you try that as a friend.
But why does nobody see when you are feeling bad yourself, you are devastated yourself, even if you can't show it emotionally to the outside world. Yeah, that's weird ... But maybe you have to be someone like me. You have to have experienced firsthand what it is like to suffer and endure such pain. Perhaps only then can one see what is really going on in people. It is true that this gift, as I will call it, is not equally pronounced in everyone, but it is there. I know it is there. It just has to be there. Even in normal people who did not have to gain this experience, who did not suffer any emotional wounds. This gift is also in them. It's just not easy for everyone to find them ... Maybe they don't want to find anything ... who knows ...

Well, two weeks ago ... Yes ... I found someone who understood me. He hadn't gone through the same thing as me, but he knew it when you cut yourself off emotionally from the rest of the world.Do not let anyone around you just to avoid the risk of being hurt again and again and again and again by people who are close to you.
And yet he did the same thing to me as everyone else before him ... I can't explain because he knows how it is ... And yet he did and continued to face me every damn day, doing so as if nothing had happened. Telling me in the eye he would love me ... And I only did that once ... I didn't count it, but why should I ?! I had nothing to fear. After all, we were happy! Or at least that's what I believed. I believed he was serious ... But now ... Now I could slap myself for that. I was probably too naive ... And, I had thrown off my protective shell ... A shell that, more or less, intercepted everything that could burden me emotionally.
Yes, I noticed even before that my protective shell was slowly but surely beginning to shrink. It all fell on me. And I noticed that everything caught up again ... But I don't show anyone. Nobody, no matter if friend or enemy, no matter if family or not.
But he could catch the shell and put it safely on the ground. My shell, my protection no longer protected me. And I became vulnerable, like before ...
This cover was like a huge cloak for me. I could crawl into it and forget everything around me ... Only such cloaks always have strings ... And as so often I have fallen over them ...
As I have often fallen in my life ... But there is a difference! I've lost hope that someone will ever catch me again. Someone like him. Who listened to me when I have problems and who can just be with me, even without having a huge discussion about any inconsequential nonsense.
Yes ... that hope died, as did the pathetic rest of my black, scarred soul.One more time in my futile life, I was pushed back into the dark grave of my soul and feelings.

Just why? Why does humanity inflict such wounds on itself? Physical violence is nothing compared to this psychological terror.

Yes ... people can be cruel ... // thought Kai to himself when he saw Tala and Brayn how they were just kissing each other, sitting on the sofa without noticing him ...