.
I've been hearing the slush crunch and splash under my feet for quite a while. My shoes slowly shuffle over and through him. My gaze wanders through the dark night without a specific goal. Every time I turn my soul mirror to the sky, I only see a thick blanket of clouds that does not allow a single star to shine on me.Merciless.My legs carry me along an avenue and the withered leaves of the birch trees seem to join my regret with rustling, rustling noises.

I would like to sigh, but not a sound comes through my lips and clenched teeth. Probably better that way. Otherwise words might have come out that no one should hear, including myself. My steps slow down, because through the weak light of aflickering lanternI can see that asmooth layer of icehas formed over the asphalt. My gaze is fixed and dogged on the floor, but I turn around for a moment anyway, out of habit.The closer you get to the light, the bigger your shadow becomes. The darkness behind me is not very much deeper than the one in front of me. I am[i]alone. Nobody but me would walk on this street at such a late hour. Good thing, then I'll be alone. I'm already used to it.

A light gust of wind comes up and makes me go a little faster. It disappears again, as if it just wanted to stroke my cheeks encouragingly, but I don't notice. My skin is too cold, my insides too empty. When I turn my face forward again, I stop. A row of houses extends a few meters in front of me. Happiness, joy and peace seem to flow from every window. Only one not. It's very dark - it's my house. The facade should be white, pure and innocent, but now it looks gray, dirty and treacherous.It didn't fit. It just didn't fit in that happy row of houses. As if it was built by a blind, stupid, naive person. I breathe in and out one last time, deeply and hesitantly.

Then, taking careful steps so as not to slip, I walk towards the house. Everything in me yells at me not to go any further, but I know it's late and I know your reactions well enough by now. Good enough not to obey my inner voice, even if I would have liked to listen to it. As I take the last steps to the front door, I almost casually look over my shoulder. Nobody,nothingis behind me. I step in without saying anything, you would hear the door, and automatically go up the stairs to my room. The air in the house is warm but cold and warm.

I close the door behind me. There is also a cold warmth in here. I take off my coat and put the shoes next to my door. I used to not leave it in the hallway, there is no more space there. I go to my window and kneel down. I place my arms on the narrow window sill and my head on top of it. I look at the black sky for a long time without a thought. It looks like it will snow again soon. But I don't care.

Iturn[i]aroundone more time and have only one teaching, familiar space behind me. I exhale and close my eyes. Let sadness and loneliness take their course and turn back to the window. Everything is suddenly so difficult, so pressing. Theshadowdepresses me every time I get too close to the light. Now I'm wondering if I could hold out against him. WhetherGodactually heard my requests, whether he had given them an ear before.

I sigh, a silent sigh. The same procedure almost every night. When I'm not too tired, I pray.Ipray. Was there never anyone here who listened to me?Never?

But then it falls like scales from my eyes. I feel it. The two gentlearmsthat slowly wrap around my shoulders, the delicatehandsthat lie on mine, which are trembling. And the white, purewingsthat protect me like a barrier from the outside world. Howblindhave I been all along? Howstupid? Hownaive?

You were always here and would always take care of me and love me. I don't open my eyes when the tears well up from them. And silently thank my angels, my friends.
.