cupboard, the impression that the stranger had made on me by no means began to fade; on the contrary, it was like an abrupt rise in voltage in the room, where the fuses simply break at some point had to. The doctor's voice prevented that.It was the voice of a history trainee who loved to rattle off dusty texts.

"Jess, this is Jonathan Carsleigh, he's - my manager."

I imagined I heard a little unscheduled pause in the sentence and an absolutely logical thought occurred to me, but the next moment it was gone and I had to concentrate on the conversation again. That was forgotten. No, that was forgotten. That was forgetting. A deleted line on the screen, a glance without seeing. That was loss.

"I thought you might be ... interested in getting to know each other."

For a surprising moment DuCraine didn't bother to cover up the sarcastic undertone and his angry face, even though Carsleigh was looking in his direction, but then he looked very collected again. It was very possible that I was wrong. Anyone could have been wrong. To err was normal. To err was human. I wasn't normal. I didn't feel human. I knew I wasn't wrong. “Who are you?” Honesty still spoke for itself, right? He wasn't forced to answer me. He seemed to know that. Carsleigh didn't even give me another look.

“What are you hiding from me, Doctor?” Although his voice hadn't been loud, not even accusatory, but on the contrary discreet and gentle and velvety soft, the doctor seemed to be nervous. He averted his face and it partially disappeared in the shadow of some stack of boxes sticking to the ceiling.

"Nothing. I just thought that your ... you- you might like to get to know him."

His gaze met Carsleigh's again, and although he had lowered his head a little, something energetic, almost material, seemed to emanate from it. I didn't have the feeling that I was still in the same room with the two men - or in a universe. "He's a very fascinating boy, you should know, and very intelligent."Neither I nor the stranger showed any emotion in the face of what was said, but when he did, Carsleigh's calm voice was so obviously lurking, without losing any of its charm, humor, or friendliness that the hair on the back of my neck stood up." You lie at me, doctor. "

“How did I get into that?” That question made Carsleigh smile faintly. "I do not know, my dear Doctor DuCraine, but I will find out. I tell you, with all my affection, it is not worth lying to the advice, never. We will find out what you have to hide, and then we will you punish for it. See you, remember. "

With that he just disappeared, and a gesture, without another word, from the blink of an eye to the next.

And then the doctor told me about it. His expression was: "You are not human, do you know that?", And I couldn't say anything more than 'Yes' at the time. Even in ten or twenty years, I wouldn't say anything other than 'Yes', there was nothing more to say about it. It was so natural, so natural, the cards had been so open on the table - how could I ever have believed otherwise? Did I ever believe anything else? I didn't know, I just couldn't remember.

I just left, he hadn't stopped me, and I haven't been there since. But I would go back. I was cold. I couldn't remember ever feeling any kind of cold - or heat, but the feeling was so familiar that it made me shiver one way or another. It was a true homecoming, only for me - a return to the home of oblivion, because it was my oblivion.

In the meantime I hardly met anybody. No wonder who would go for the door with these temperatures? After all, it was winter, there was snow ... it was cold ... Maybe I should turn around and hurry as soon as possible.But it was too late. I knew it was too late. I had already known it was too late when I saw this corner around which my steps now led me, I had known it when I got up this morning and maybe much earlier. But it only became clear when I had seen the stranger, and it was now confirmed when a person appeared right in front of me, as if out of the ground. I wasn't really surprised, but I didn't have time to react either. It went black around me far too early; it shouldn't be, it was wrong, everything was so wrong. And then the black cold of the night ran through with an inviting red sheen. It was the color of blood and roses. That was the color of oblivion. I knew it.
I knew it.

On my ninth Christmas, Aikari had brought guests along. That was unusual. I was happy, Aikari hated visiting her house. But she hated this one even more. I was soon to learn to hate these men. When they first came, Aikari was irritable and quickly sent me to bed. The second time they came, she forbade me to come out of my room all evening. The third time they came, she forbade me to leave the house alone. The last time they came everything went black.

And I knew, I knew

I can still see the lights on the Christmas tree on this special Christmas Eve.