I stood at her grave with my sister and my eyes smeared with tears. If this pain weren't enough, other visitors, who knew my grandma, also stood far away from us. So much did they detest us. Wasn't it unfair? Wasn't it enough anymore? Didn't they see our miserable situation? Now we were all alone, only had the two of us. It was raining but I didn't care. I was much more pleased. Hanabi shouldn't see my tears. Nobody should see my tears. I felt abandoned and a feeling of sadness crept through me. The only person I could cling to had left me. Now she was sound asleep underground. Who should I turn to now. In which arms should I let out my frustration, my sadness and my anger now? I needed these arms to catch me when I couldn't anymore. How a baby needed its mother.

I can still remember Hanabi well who held my arm tightly and made it even more wet with her tears. At least she had arms that she would always hold tightly. There was no end to my tears. At that moment I vowed not to cry anymore. For Hanabi and most of all for me. I would stash everything inside me and nobody would know. My face should always adorn a smile, even if it was only fake. That had to be in order not to be called weak at least. How else should I live in such a society where I was ridiculed and despised. Nobody would see my tears. Nobody. As my grandma told me: "With a smile you overcome everything"

Once again my birthday went by without my parents, without my friends and this time without my grandma too. It was a painful day that I wanted or didn't want to go through. I had to go through it alone without anyone by my side. It looked so impossible to me but I encouraged myself. I used to tell myself that someday it would end. At some point someone would respect me and look up to me. I believed in a future that could make me happy. But the more I saw these looks, I became insecure. Unsure that I didn't have the strength to take it.
It should be my best day. I should laugh, be happy and hope that I could see more days like this. But it was all just an illusion. A dream that I would never achieve. How could a small, fragile girl have something like that. Every day those looks haunted me, that humiliated me, that made me liken to a hideous being. Did i deserve it? Was I so very undesirable or was it just the looks that were just having fun. I want to be strong Look at you with a proud look. I tried but it didn't work. That strength wasn't always with me.There were days when I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to get away. Far away where no one could find me When I saw those looks that made me despair, tears came to my eyes. I wanted to let it all out scream. But I couldn't cry. After all, I vowed not to cry anymore and to smile again.

Exactly a smile ... that would haunt me until my death ...


The first time I saw Konoha, I didn't know what to feel. It was very different from the village. We should be living with our parents again from now on. The apartment was very modern and Hanabi and I shared a room. The climate here was very different from that in Kinega. I had a bad feeling but I pushed it aside. My new life should begin here without tears. I found out later that I could go on to school. I was in second grade. I should continue here, and so should Hanabi. I hoped they would treat me better there than in the village. But the beginning should be painful years.

Years that you will let me forget, because you will keep my memories in you and thus seal them so that you will never open them again.