My hat

It was full.
So full that I could hardly breathe. Loud, tight. I was so hot.
Pushed from one to the other, I managed to laboriously pave my way through the crowds. On, on, on, after the others.
Trembling, I held on to my companion. A good friend of mine who kindly took me along.
I think it annoyed him for me to cling to him like that, but there was no other way.
It was just too crowded here.
How could I be so stupid!
I knew it was going to be too much for me, and yet I just went along with it. Came along even though crowds didn't get me.
Stomach acid rose up my esophagus, pressed into my mouth, and it was difficult to keep from vomiting here and now. My body was a wreck, at least that's what it felt like. Heat showers, cold showers, over and over again. In addition, this queasy feeling, the desire to vomit and I was only here an hour, or was it less? I didn't know anymore, had lost the feeling over time.
Move!
Somebody ran against me, made me stumble, almost fall, my heart skipped a moment. My breath became faster and shallower. God, my chest hurt so badly.
"Don't let it show," I thought to myself. "Take a deep breath and move on!"
I slowly grabbed my good friend's hand again, but he was no longer there. People streamed past me, pushed me away and all I could do was look around in panic. I lost him. In that brief moment of inattention, I had already lost him.
Panic rose in me, made me breathe faster. My throat went dry and began to hurt. My heart was pumping faster and faster.
Air, I couldn't get any more air, my lungs stopped filling.
Stumble.
The crowd around me pushed me around more and more. It took me further and further away from the destination I was heading for, further and further away from the people I was traveling with.
Alone. I was alone, surrounded by people much taller than me, by a mass of faceless beings who pushed me further and further away.
I had to get out of here. Had to get out of this building, out of this never-ending stream, or I would be trampled under it while I gasped helplessly.
I turned around frantically. Pushed me through the crowd to the emergency exit. Narrow, elbows, pockets, people and then finally the door.
I threw myself powerless against her, my fingers grabbed the doorknob and pushed it down. Freedom, air.
I stumbled out, stumbled and fell, fell on my knees in front of the people standing outside. Embarrassing, but never mind. I was safe. They should laugh and put me down. I didn't care.
Exhausted, I rolled onto my back and looked up at the sky.Endless expanses. How reassuring. My chest rose and fell and I was beginning to feel a little better. The queasy feeling in my stomach remained, as did the fear of going back, but I could breathe again without any problems, and that was the most important thing.
God, I would never have to go back there, never again to these rooms. I was stupid to come to this event. Very dumb.
I sat up slowly.
My legs, arms, and the rest of my body were still shaking and I felt weak. How am I supposed to find my buddy like that?
I looked at the door and swallowed.
Impossible, that was just impossible, I just couldn't stumble through this hell again, but I had to, because he would never find me here.
I stood up swaying.
My legs like rubber, my knees even less than that. One step towards the door, reluctantly, then the next, and then ...
... I just turned away.
My heart was pounding again, beating so hard again, rebelling in my chest.
It didn't work that way.
If I only had my cell phone with me, it flashed through my mind.
I could have called him, asked if he could pick me up from wherever I was later. But I didn't have it with me, left it in the car.
"Damn it, I don't want to go back!"
It was a scream in my head, in reality just a low, desperate whisper.
And then they came.
They ran down my cheeks, hot and wet, uncontrollably.
Tears.
I bowed my head.
Raised my hands and pressed them to my eyes, desperately trying to wipe them away, but I couldn't.
Inexorably, they continued to roll over my face, exposing me more and more every second.
People stared at me, I could hear them whisper.
Just why?
Why did this day have to go this way?
I just wanted to have some fun.
Look at a few books and maybe buy one or the other fan article.
I just wanted to watch the cosplayers and have a good time and instead I stood here, completely abandoned and lost and crying like a little child.
How stupid was I to believe that once ...
A gentle touch tore me from my self-pity.
Someone knelt in front of me and dabbed my tears away.
A confident, easy smile lay on his lips.
I looked, no, smiled at him.
Too terrified and confused, I couldn't bring a sound to my lips.
The stranger said nothing, he just continued to brush away the tears until they had dried up.
Then he got up and put the thing on me with which he had just wiped my face and pulled it down slightly so that I could barely see anything. What was going on?
I didn't understand anything anymore.
When he held out his hand to me, I took it as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
He walked back into the great halls with me, holding me close as he led me back through the crowds.I followed him, followed him on and on.
My gaze was only on him, my hand clutching his tighter and tighter.
Suddenly I was at an information center.
I looked around in amazement, looked at the woman at the counter and then at him.
He smiled as if he were proud, then put a hand on my head, pushed the cap back into my face and leaned down to me.
"Don't despair next time, okay?" He whispered softly in my ear and let go.
"Okay," I breathed in response, softly and weakly.
I slowly took off my hat. I wanted to see my helper, look him in the face and say thank you.
But he was already gone, disappeared into the crowd.
But he left me the cap.
She was black, black with little ears, a little childish.
Still, I put it back on.
Hard swallowing.
I looked at the lady at the information desk, mustered up all my courage and spoke to her to have my buddy called out.
It was embarrassing, not just for me, but especially for him, but he didn't blame me.
That's how I am, he just said to me and took my hand again.
Be it because the stranger helped me and I got the hat from him, or because my buddy was now taking care of me, I was no longer so scared and was still able to somehow enjoy the day.
I never saw my stranger's helper again, but I still thank him this way.
Thanks.

*End*
(c) Josephine Grzechnik