It is dark. No light from the city penetrates me through the night. It feels like the forest forms a protective shield around me, shielding me from the world outside. The cruel world.
In the dim light of the moon I can only see the contours of the tall fir trees. I slowly sink down on the cool forest floor. What time is it? How long have I been walking around?
It does not matter. Everything didn't matter.
I'm cold, after all, it's been autumn a long time and I'm only wearing short clothes. Another one of my damn short-circuit acts. It doesn't really matter whether I get sick or not. With trembling fingers I reach into my shoulder bag, rummage through it for the little pad and pen that I always keep in it.
I carefully lean against the trunk of the fir tree and pull my legs up to write on them. I carefully put the lead on the paper, close my eyes for a moment before I start to write.

I lived in this world, but that doesn't mean I liked it. It may sound selfish when I was given life, but I didn't want it. For a long time I tried to ignore the pain, to get on with my life. But at some point it stopped working. I'm sorry, but I couldn't go on.
Mom dad. I loved you and I still love you. That's why I never said anything. Even now I find it difficult to put my problems into words.
You argued more and more often and I should make up my mind. But how should I. I didn't want to lose any of you. That's the point, please don't think it's your fault, I don't want you to think that way. You were just part of a great whole. A whole called the world.
It may sound incomprehensible, and if you can't follow me, I apologize. The fact is that my life has grown over my head for a long time. It felt like my whole life was planned, as if I didn't have a second to breathe deeply, to prepare myself for the coming.
I know you only meant well, but that was a reason. The second, just as important, reason is school. As I said, you meant it well, you probably didn't even notice how much pressure you put on me. For a long time I had a goal in mind, one that I really wanted to achieve. But the closer the day of the decision approached, the more the path in front of me was blocked.
It was pointless to deny it, it was clear that I could probably never achieve this goal. If I had told you that you would have got angry and disappointed. I did not want. I'm sorry I never could be the daughter you wanted me to be. I was never perfect. Rather the complete opposite. I kept worrying you, even though I wanted to prevent it.The only thing I've managed to do is hide my pain from you for many years. Actually that was pointless where you are now experiencing it anyway. You will certainly not understand why I was silent, even if I did not explain it to you. Still, I want to try.
Mom dad. I believe that you no longer love each other as you did in the beginning. Forgive this outrageous claim, but I infer that from your words. As soon as I was alone with one of you, you cheated on the other. Wanted me to agree with you, but every word you said hurt me. I just wished that we would be a happy family again, like we were when I was younger. Whereby, were we really happy, or was that nothing more than a lie, a facade?
Personally, I believe that everyone wears a mask, whether consciously or unconsciously. To get back to the beginning, I have many reasons to end my life. In short, it has not meant anything to me for a long time. Just because I didn't want to leave you alone, because I didn't want to leave you Luna behind, I stayed. Daddy Mommy. forgive me that I couldn't bear to see you like that any longer. Forgive me for failing to get my life under control.
Luna, I beg you to forgive me too. After all, you did a lot for me too. You have been a loyal companion to me, so I have a very guilty conscience just to leave. To flee like a coward when you always told me to be brave. Be strong.
I'm so sorry. I am not brave, I am not strong.

Mom dad. I tear out the sheet of paper and put it next to me before I put the pad back away. When I put the blade on, I feel guilty. Terribly guilty.
Who will allow me to complain? I'm actually fine, there are people everywhere who are much worse off than me. And yet I am so pathetic. I should be ashamed.
Luna.
My mind wanders. What the heck, I can allow myself, the few minutes won't change anything anymore. In the last few minutes, my last minutes, I want to remember the happy time with you, Luna. You will surely know, but you are my best friend. We've known each other for such a long time, and you're probably the one who knows me best. Not only once did I get the feeling that you knew better about me than I did.
You suspected that I was feeling bad, knew where to hide when I was on the ground. You were always the cure, the cure for the poison in my veins.
Do you still remember? We got to know each other in kindergarten. You were a year older than me and you protected me. On my first day there, you pulled my hand into the room because I didn't dare.It was you who showed me everything, my little world. Yes, Luna. You were my world I was happy as long as I was with you, because with you I was myself. I remember wistfully how carefree we were back then. You know what? You always had to take my hand and pull me with you because I didn't dare.
It was the same when we got to school. You were already inside, but I was still standing at the door. You turned around, grinning, grabbed my hand and stuck your tongue out at me. "You don't think you can shirk, do you? I need you," you said at the time. I always remembered your words because they touched my heart.
Whenever I was undecided what to do, when I stopped on the path of my life, you stood next to me, smiled at me and took my hand. In those moments I felt free, detached from obligations, pressure and pain. When you were there, the world shone in bright colors, you took some of the weight off my shoulders. I am really happy to have met you because you are what they call a true friend. I am proud that I was able to experience what it means to know someone like that. Because there aren't many who could.
Luna, if you'd heard that by now. That sounds so hackneyed, but that's how I think. Luna. Forgive me, now your efforts were in the end in vain. I'm sorry.
What's that sound? A crackle? “Luna?” My voice sounds rough. But that doesn't matter now. What is more important is what you are doing here. You crouch in front of me in silence, reading the farewell letter.
Only for a brief moment do I notice the blade slip out of my hand because you are here. How do you know where I was from? You are not surprised. Why not?
Actually, it's not surprising either. Luna, you knew I was feeling bad. Because you were the person I poured out my heart when I could no longer, when I threatened to collapse under the burden. You had to promise me you wouldn't tell anyone. I had begged, I thought I could do it, but I was wrong. Of course you always seemed to know where I was when I fled again. So why not now?
“You don't think you can shirk, do you? I need you.” You smile, it's that smile from back then. YOU put my letter aside, grab my hand instead and pull me to my feet. Like you always did "Think of one thing. If you fall I'll be the one to catch you. If you fall I'll be the one to help you up again. If you cry, I'll be the one to dry your tears. When you feel lonely, I am the shadow that follows you everywhere When you can no longer be strong, I will be strong for you.Because you're my best friend, and as much as you need me, I need you so much. "