Chapter: Memory III

soo, purely theoretically, some things in this text should appear in italics. I hope that works too - somehow it never really works for me. Nya, be that as it may - the happy hopping between past and present continues (and will probably stay that way in the future) - hopefully that won't cause any confusion ?? So, you can tell when I'm at what time, right? Otherwise, please report, I'll try to do it differently ...

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She looks at me with a strange expression of suppressed horror and I turn my face away. This is exactly what I was afraid of, this look and the thought that goes with it:Who are you really?And then, a little quieter but more urgent:Do I really want to know?
Sighing, I run my hand over my eyes and gently massage my nasal bone. The memories pouring in on me have caused an immense headache, but at least that stops the memory spurts.Maybe I should enjoy the pain while I have it, at least that way I'm safe from my past.
"Orion", I hear her say, her voice soft to my amazement, and yet I don't dare to look at her again, "your life as a person ..." She pauses and I can visually see her after me Looking for words. "I ... I can't believe it was you. I mean, maybe it was your body - but not your soul, not you! Do you see what I mean? You're not responsible for the past! It was someone else back then! "
I look up without a word. It would be nice to believe her - give in to temptation and just dismiss it as something someone else did at some point - but it doesn't work. I can't make it that easy for myself. "No," I contradict her, in a tone just as gentle as she, but firmly, "it was me. The same one who stands in front of you now, only under different circumstances."A bitter smile crosses her face. "What circumstances could be worse than this?"

"Wow!" She claps her hands enthusiastically, "do that again!"
I smile at her, close my eyes and, with long-practiced precision, throw the knife into the playing card, which is leaning against a tree trunk about 15 meters away from me. "Wow!" she says again, comes up to me and gently puts her arms around me, "you're doing great, you know that?"
I grin down at her - she is about a head shorter than me, the perfect size, her head fits right under mine - and answer: "Just for you."
She laughs and gives me a nudge in the ribs. I let go of her and rub my side with my face contorted with pain. "Hey," I mumble, "that hurts."
"Yeah, and it should be", she replies, "I told you that I don't like Schleimer."
The wind gently blows through her dark brown hair and the last rays of the sun glow golden in her eyes.I raise an eyebrow. "Yes, of course," I reply, "but that was - for once - even the truth."
She looks at me sternly and puts her hands on her hips. I just smile, grab her upper arm and pull her very close to me. "You know that you are mine?" I whisper as I rest my head on hers. I can feel her smiling. "As you do me."

The headaches come back explosively and cloud my view. I gasp and automatically claw my fingers into the wall, the plaster gives way and envelops my fingertips as a gray powder. "What ...? Orion ?!" Eleonora gently touches my shoulder and I bite my lower lip so as not to look at her. How could I ever look her in the eye again, now that I've remembered her?

“Do you dance with me?” She looks at me begging, a well-known dachshund look that I would hardly have resisted if I hadn't seen him on enough other occasions."No," I answer and give her a satisfied grin.
She pulls a pout. "Ryan, please," she says, as if the mention of my name and that ridiculous little word would change anything about the fact that I think wild fidgeting in the disco is absolute kid stuff, "I love this song!"
I give her an ironic look. "And poor drip I always thought you loved me ?!"
Inadvertently she has to smile and she sits down on a bar stool next to me. "And you? Do you love me?"
The bass hums loudly in my ears, my feet are stuck to the floor and condensation drips from the ceiling. I look warmly into her eyes. "Would I be here if I didn't?"
She grimaces a little. "That's not an answer," she says, turning her face away.
I get up and pull her into my arms. "I love you," I whisper softly, and although the music must have swallowed my voice, I know she heard it. Her arms wrap around my body and she lays her head on my chest."Leia", I say gasp and squint to better see the blurry spot in front of me, "Leia!"
Eleonora frowns. "Uh - no," she replies, "It's me, Eleonora, have you forgotten?"
I open my eyes, startled, and look at her. For a moment I am confused that her hair is blonde and her eyes shimmer a grayish green, then I come back to myself with force. “No,” I answer hastily, “of course not.” The guilty conscience must be visible in my face, because she frowns slightly and tilts her head. "Who is Leia?"

"Let's go," I say after she comes back from dancing with a man I don't know and who I don't particularly like. She turns her heated face to me. "Why then?" she asks innocently, but her eyes give the lie to her. She knows very well that I hate it when she dances with other men or when she meets them - it is every time as if someone were sinking a hot knife into my bowels and turning it around its own axis with pleasure.My face becomes expressionless, as it always does when I have to control my emotions almost by force. Only my eyes say what I feel, but I carefully avert my gaze and look over her head.
"I'm bored," I reply, and she gives me a sweet smile.
"But not me," she replies calmly, "I'll stay." She throws herself back into the fray and I can only watch her helplessly. I know exactly what it's trying to achieve - we both know each other too well not to understand each other's actions. But I don't want to give her the triumph, don't want to run after her, I want a lot more for her to come back.
I turn around stiffly and let myself fall back onto the bar stool. "A beer", I order, just to have a reason to sit where I can see them clearly. "Two," said a voice next to me, and I turn my head in surprise.
“Eileen!” A casual smile crosses my face."Hey Ryan", she says and looks at me with a perfectly formed look, "so alone?"
I vaguely point to the dance floor. "Leia is here too," I inform her, "and where is Cal?"
She shrugs her shoulders in boredom. "I have no idea," she replies, "I guess somewhere by the pool tables."
I grin. Yes, she's right - my little brother is an avid pool player, and a very good one at that. Everything that you can somehow combine a bit of thinking with sport is his passion - he is also a junior chess master in our district, for example - and once again I ask myself what this boy prodigy wants with Eileen, who is pretty but also undeniable is stupid.
The bartender puts two glasses of beer in front of us without a word, I pay and fend off the money that she tries to give me. It turns out to be a bit of a squabble, but finally I can convince them and we toast. Moments later, I feel two well-known hands clasping me from behind and someone leaning against me."Leia," Eileen greets her with little enthusiasm in her voice, and Leia just nods. "Eileen."
I `m smiling. If I'm jealous, Leia is even more so, and the thought, silly as it is, gives me a shiver of joy. "Hmm, most beautiful", I mumble comfortably, turn around to her and pull her halfway on me, "do we want to go now?"
She takes one more look at Eileen and then nods resolutely. "Yes."

"She ... she is .. was ... is .." I take a deep breath and run my hair. "We were a couple, before."
Eleonora looks at me with a look that is difficult to interpret. "Oh yes?"
I give her a quick look. "No need to be jealous," I say flatly, "she is dead."

"Shall we take a taxi?" I ask when we're outside, rubbing my upper arms. It's bitingly cold and the jacket doesn't protect me very much.
Leia doesn't answer and I lift an eyebrow. "Hey, what's up?"
She turns to me and answers flippantly: "What should be going on?"I smile a little. "Eileen, right? You're mad about Eileen."
She just snorts and looks past me stubbornly.
"She's my brother's friend," I say, trying to catch her gaze, "I have a duty, so to speak, to be nice to her."
Your eyes glare at me angrily. "And you are not obliged to me?" she asks angrily, "I can't stand the woman. I swear to you, she doesn't want anything from Cal, she is only with him to be close to you!"
I shake my head soothingly. "Oh come on," I mean, "now you're going crazy again. Who would be doing such nonsense, hmm? And besides," I step closer to her and take her in my arms, which she only reluctantly lets happen, " it doesn't matter anyway. I don't want her. I cast my eyes on someone else. "
She relaxes a little and leans into me. "Good," she says quietly, "because I couldn't bear to lose you."I kiss her hair, which still smells faintly of her rose shampoo. "I know," I whisper back, "I would no longer be me without you."

"Dead?" she asks, and to my silent anger there is not only surprise but also a small part of relief in her words, "how ..?"
I turn my head away "Died."
"Yes," she says, and seems slightly impatient, "sure, but ..."
My eyes snap over to her and the words stick in her throat. "I don't want to talk about it," I reply sharply, suppressing the memory that has forced itself on me, the smell of sweet blood and the feeling as if someone has just frozen my heart.