Hope dies last

Chapter 1 - Hope dies last

"I just don't think that everything should suddenly end. That you just disappear and I am left all alone. How long have I hoped and pleaded that you would see more than just a good friend in me. I never gave up hope , I could never forget you, nobody gave me the feeling you gave me. And what now, I can't just go on as before, can't just forget what was. Why did this have to happen ...? Why you? What "For God's sake was I just doing something like this? I beg you come back! I can't understand, it's so absurd. A loved one can't just go away like that. It's like a terrible nightmare." I just don't wake up. I would give anything if only you would return. Oh please God, please, let me wake up from this horror. Please bring it back to me, I can and will without it not live.Everything should just be like it was before! "
Tears flowed down the young girl's pale face. From the red eyes and the slightly puffy photo in her trembling hands it was evident that the tears had not only recently started running down her face.
"Are you ready, Tyla? We have to go, otherwise we'll be too late.", a broken woman's voice called out from one of the neighboring rooms.
The young girl winced briefly, but she showed no more reaction for the time being. She tried to swallow the piercing pain so she could answer her mother:
"Come immediately!"
She couldn't manage more words, because the grief crept back, like a strangler snake it wrapped itself around the girl's body and almost completely paralyzed him. Hesitantly and with renewed tears in her eyes, she put the picture aside on her bedside table and rose from her bed. She gently smoothed her black skirt, like her black blouse, ran her hair through her brown hair again and sucked in as much air as possible, as if trying to destroy the feeling of being constricted.Trembling and holding back the next tears with all her might, she pushed the inhaled air out again, but the uncomfortable feeling remained. Slowly her left hand went towards her eyes and in order not to smudge more make-up she carefully rubbed away the tears that were still there. While she was about to leave the room, she grabbed her handbag, which was also on the bed.
"Well, you're finally done. So let's go, it would be impolite to be late."
"Yeah sure mom. I'm sorry."
"Oh darling. I know how difficult it is for you, but I just mean that it wouldn't be so nice to be too late for a funeral service."
[i]"Yes"
Sadly, the mother looked into her daughter's tearful eyes and the face marked by sleepless nights. It also tore her heart to see her daughter suffer so without having the slightest chance to take away the pain and agony.Without further discussion, Tyla went to the car with her mother. Wherever, the entire journey to the cemetery, the cruel silence lasted. Tyla just didn't feel like talking, actually she didn't feel like talking at all. There was emptiness in it, which nothing and no one could fill.
Tyla and her mother arrived at the church about ten minutes before the funeral began. They parked the car and set off. Past the graves, Tyla's stomach became more and more slack. And slowly she was no longer able to tell herself everything was just a bad dream, whereupon she felt again how the grief overwhelmed her and her tears tried to find their way out with all their might. She didn't know how much longer she would be able to fight this fight. It was only a matter of time before her already exhausted body and mind ravaged by pain and despair would surrender.
Many relatives and friends of the deceased boy were already sitting in the church.Tyla was also familiar with many of the faces there, especially since some of her classmates were among the mourners, because they too wanted to pay their last respects to their school friend.
Tyla turned her head to one side after signing her condolence book and saw the wooden coffin. Wreaths of flowers and a small easel with a photo of the boy had already been set up in front of him. For Tyla it was like a slap in the face, immediately followed by a blow through the heart. It was no longer possible for her to avert her gaze from the decorated coffin and again she struggled with herself not to lose her composure again. He was so close to her and yet so infinitely far away. He had never been so far from her, never so unreachable, she always had the idea of ​​being able to lie in his arms one day, but what had happened now? What a terrible, unchangeable fate had fate taken?
No longer able to think clearly, Tyla clung to her mother and did what she did, including the condolences to the boy's parents, barely understandable and her lips could move so quickly.Tyla's mother had already sat down on one of the back benches when Tyla was finally about to lose her mind. The images in her head, the memories and the cruel certainty that none of this would ever happen again made the girl shatter. Nothing held back the tears any longer. Blood dripped from her red lips, on which she had pressed her teeth firmly to the last. Mixed with her tears, the blood ran down her chin and dripped onto the white lace cloth, which she held in her trembling hands and clasped tightly with her delicate fingers. Startled, her mother looked up at her daughter after she hadn't sat down. But Tyla avoided her mother's horrified look by turning away from her.
"Tyla what about you? You're bleeding ..., Tyla!"
While her mother was still talking to her, the girl, who had come to the end with her nerves, ran out of the church, crying bitterly. Everyone turned to look at her and it wasn't until the large wooden door was slammed that everything turned back to the front.Even when she got outside, Tyla didn't stop. The fear of standing still was too great. She ran on without giving any thought to where. The only thing that counted was that she would be alone. Again and again she wiped away the tears with her handkerchief in order to at least be able to recognize where her path was leading.
Completely distraught, she ran into the forest behind the cemetery. She ran and ran, tripping over her own feet again and again, until she finally fell heavily and hit the ground hard. Desperate and battered, she lay where she was, just pulled herself together briefly to lean against a tree. The blurry images before her eyes told her nothing, not where she was, why she had fallen, not even whether she was alone. Desperate, sobbing loudly and eaten away by pain, she lost herself in her thoughts.
[i]"What am I supposed to do here when you're not there anymore? Chris, I keep hoping you could feel something for me.But what now? For years I only lived according to the motto "Hope dies last" and now ..., now my hope has died ... together with you. So tell me what else to do here. I see you everywhere in front of me, your scent is in my nose, your voice echoes through my hearing and the memories of you eat away at me, no matter how beautiful they destroy me. Still, I would never want to miss it. I would have done everything for you. I would have given my life for a brief moment of affection from you. But I could not. And the current wish to go to you is not granted to me either. Why? Why the fuck do I have to suffer like that? I've never done anything to anyone. God why don't you help me Why don't you undo it all? Please please. I just want to be with you Chris. I love you so much. I love you, only you, nobody else ... I can't love anyone like you. Come back to me, please ... please!What should I do to make you come back to me? Or do I have to come to you? "
The pain in her heart stretched into the marrow of her bones and tightened around her throat. Her eyes burned and her ankle was thick and blue swollen. Her hand, trembling more and more, went to her handbag, disappeared into it and came back with her grandfather's pocket knife. It was a bit of a miracle that she didn't drop it right away, so she was trembling. As soon as the knife was opened, she cut deep into the palm of her hand, but there was no pain, because this wound, too, could not compete with the one in her heart and soul. The blood ran off her wet hand immediately. She had lost everything that she had ever wanted and loved, everything that was ever important to her. Her life was broken like a mirror and now she cut herself deep into the flesh, deep into the soul, into the heart with the remaining shards.
Hesitantly, but made up her mind, she set the knife on her artery.But the courage was still a long time coming, only the violent trembling scratched and scraped the skin a little, whereupon more blood flowed over her hand. At the thought of all the experiences she had had with Chris, the despair and the pain drove her to the point of putting an end to her suffering herself. Her salty tears dripped into the wounds of her hand and the burning pain multiplied, but it still didn't come close to the pain she was carrying deep inside.
Just as the sharp knife began to cut into the flesh, a clear and bright voice came out that asked in a friendly manner:
"Please don't do it Tyla."
Startled, the frightened girl looked up, but not a person but a shining light appeared in front of her. Her heart was racing and Tyla felt as if it was about to jump out of her chest. The light was so bright that there was nothing left for her to do but close her eyes tightly. It was like a compulsion, because even when she tried to open her eyes again, she couldn't.The light let up and only now it was possible for her to open her eyes again, which was done very carefully. Her blue, watery eyes blinked in disbelief in the slowly disappearing light. But frighteningly she had to find out that she was no longer sitting in the small forest. She looked around at the back of the table, but everything around her was white, bright white and pure. White emptiness.
Breathing heavily, she gasped for breath, because