Feelings (I couldn't think of anything better - will be renamed on occasion)

When I see him, my heart beats so fast it can ring in my ears. When I hear his voice, thousands of butterflies flutter in my stomach. And when I think about him, I feel free and happy. But it's his look that wears me down.
He knows it. He knows how I feel for him. I have told him. And now I have to live with the fact that it stays the same as before. No contact, only now and then one of his looks that hit me and make me cry. So cold, so indescribable. It crushes all of my courage, which I previously scraped together so laboriously. I want to talk to him, just exchange a few words with him. A "Hello. How are you?" not more. Maybe another "see you soon". It would help me like that. But nothing.
I often meet him in the schoolyard. Back then we were still friends. We spent the break together with the others in the group. We even have a few lessons together.He's in a different class.
He is smart. Gifted.
I'm stupid. A nut and lazy.
When he walks past me, he doesn't look at me. I know even when I look down on the ground. He walks past me as if I were air. A nothing. I thought about it. Does he have a reason to hate me? Not really. Does he have a reason to like me? Not really. What do I imagine that I can write to him on the Internet when I can't even face him in person ?!
I'm a coward. Maybe it is. Who knows.
My thoughts are with him around the clock. Even if he treats me so badly - well, he doesn't treat me at all, I'm air for him. I still like him very much. I would really do anything for him.
I've often thought of calling him again. But what can I say? He doesn't live far away either. In the mornings when I drive to school, I always stop by him. Twenty minutes, nothing more.But twenty minutes are enough to fuel my self-doubt that I turn around and crawl into my bed. I have a feeling that he doesn't like me. I'm too excited, too talkative, too stupid. He is quiet, mysterious, sweet and nice. And he doesn't see me. Maybe he makes me fidget too. Every night my tears drop on my pillows because of him.
Why do I like him so?
Maybe because of all of that. Maybe I need the pain Maybe I need his voice that says nothing to me, his smile that is not happy because of me, his attention that is not for me. But why are the wounds he causes me so big that everything that makes my heart beat faster about him cannot heal it?
I dont know. I do not get it. I only hear the excited pounding when I think of him. Actually, it is dangerous to live in the past because it is easy to forget the now. But all I have from him is back then, what we spent together during the break.I desperately cling to every minute we talked because I see it as a little substitute.
Am i crazy? No. I'm desperate. I'm in love.