useless fight?

Huhu here is a new cape ^^ It should be based on the first one but I hope it is not too similar to it ^^

Have fun reading ^^
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Today is again one of those days when I feel abandoned, sad and depressed. I wonder what my life is worth and what is the meaning of it. I'm totally down, my thoughts are getting darker and more painful…. I just can't ignore what is happening. It's hard to get out of a depression like this.
I keep reproaching myself, saying to myself you are ugly and ...... .. only because others see me that way. It kills me, it disfigures me and it sticks inside me. I want to ban it, shoo it away, just get rid of it, but it doesn't work.
I keep asking myself the same thing…. What's the meaning of my life? I've asked myself this question many times. Devised theories that could answer these .....but so far I haven't come to a reasonable conclusion.It pulls me down, hurts me and doesn't let me have a clear thought. I despair and am more and more enveloped in the darkness.
I am getting scared,…. Fear of failure ... ... leading a useless life. Why do you wonder why fail? I want to do my Abi but I have doubts about myself, about my ability ... .. sometimes I think that I could never make it that far ... and again I lack the confidence to return to the light. I doubt myself ..... my abilities and get complex, depression. Then I have the feeling that I cannot do anything anymore, that I am stupid and simply incapable.
What has happened to me I am a mentally broken person ... .. have good days as well as bad days ... .. where the bad ones predominate ... they are hell and my doubts eat me up from within.
I keep falling ... into the darkness ... .. cling to memories ... that I slip and keep falling ... the weight of bad memories is far too great.Certain thoughts echo in my head again and again ....... they just haunt me and torment me…. tell me something specific …… you are useless …… .. useless …… useless. Now there is another feeling besides fear, despair and depression ...... grief. Yes, I'm sad because I don't think I can help anyone. That I just stand by ... they refuse my help or I just can't do anything .......
It's always the same ... I blame myself and don't notice that it breaks me .......

Hn ... .. then it occurs to me that I recently had another experience that broke my trust in people again like a mirror ... ..that little trust that I had built ...... disappeared, simply wiped out ...... I felt myself terrible, was in a bad mood the whole time and just wanted to be alone.
Do you notice what? I closed myself off again ... .. so as not to get hurt any more.

It's getting blacker and blacker, I already seem to be swimming in a pitch black lake….he too wants to pull me into his depths ... just like the darkness before. He intends to devour me…. I start swimming, don't want to go any further than I already am ... ..but it's no use. I am too weak, have wasted my energies too much on my thoughts …… .. it keeps pulling me down… ..I want to give up, no longer waste my time on hopeless things… just let myself fall and go under…. as if I had never existed ... nobody would ever recognize my real feelings ... anyway. nobody would see how I am in truth ... right? The people around me don't see my despair…. I think I'm going through the world happy and optimistic but it looks exactly the opposite of the case. Not even my family always notices ……. now and then but not often ...
I am drawn more and more into the depths of the lake, sink into it just as I sink into my thoughts. But then it occurs to me that it doesn't work ... I have often thought about giving up, looking for people who accept me, giving up and dropping out of school because I won't be able to go back to secondary school anyway .But what for?
Why should I spoil my life even more than it already is?
I'm starting to swim again ... rowing my arms and legs like a silent cry for help ... I don't want to believe all of this ... really everything should have been in vain ...... but why is the surface not coming closer? ........ I swim and swim ... but don't reach my goal ...
Why am I not making progress? Why? Do I still have doubts? Don't I believe in myself Yes, it must be…. I have even lost my confidence in myself… ..the proof of the previously written down thoughts.
And again I give up ...... let my arms fall ... ..stop rowing ... and just let me slide into the depths….
How can you escape from such a hell? Can't you just throw off your burden and displace it? No, that doesn't work…. a burden that you have will always haunt you and burden you ... or not?
But repressing is even worse….because at some point the repressed comes up again ……. and it is then even more intense than trying to live with it right away ………… but I want to get out of here, just get away and disappear …… it's enough for me slowly …… to indulge in dark thoughts ...
How can I achieve my goal? I will never make it anyway ...... renewed self-doubts cover my soul with a dark veil. I have no one ...... no one hears or sees me ...... I am alone in this world ...
Suddenly I feel something warm in the freezing cold ... I open my eyes and see in the darkness a hand that radiates so much warmth that it is visible and wrapped around it. She comes up to me, stretches towards me and waits ……. What is that ... .. does someone want to help me ... are there still people who care about me? Hesitantly and carefully, I stretch out my hand and grab the other one… ..I cling to her with all my strength…. and this time I don't fall ... I feel the warmth of my hand envelop and cover me.I am getting a little warmer and slowly, very slowly, I notice that I am being pulled out of the darkness, the lake and the cold. Bit by bit I'm getting closer to the surface …….
but until then there is still a long way to go ... a long way into the light. Will I pass it? Will I be able to trust myself and other people? Again I have no answer to these questions ... this only knows the future ...... ..

It's worth fighting ... don't give up ...

A fine ray of light pervades my little world and tries to banish the darkness ……….

……………………… ..
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Sooo done ^^ How did you like it this time? Please write again such great clerks ^^ I would be happy if you stop by my other Ff ^^

hello your Himo ^^