Chapter: All i want is love

All i want is love

Why does it hurt so much? Why does my heart contract so?
Why can't I be happy like others? Why does this always happen to me?
Why did i fall in love
In such an arrogant, stubborn, conceited and bitchy guy like you?
And you're not even interested in me, but rather in this other girl you are always after. I know you. I don't hate them, but you can't say they suffer well either. It's just there and I can't do anything.
Just watch as you meet secretly and you break my heart, because ……………………………… .. I love you !!!
But I wish I wouldn't! Because this love hurts and how it hurts, as if my soul would burst, dissolve and the rest of it sail away. As if a dagger is stabbed in my heart and the poison eats its way from the inside out, through my whole body. There is no more salvation for me.I'm dying!
Internally as well as externally.
I'm getting worse every day. My skin is pale, circles are clearly visible under my eyes and my zest for life changes to thoughts of suicide. Only my friends notice this but you see, if then overlook it, overlook it or you do not care.
Although I believe that all of it can be true. Sometimes I have the feeling that you feel something for me and sometimes I think that you hate me. Sometimes you worry about me, sometimes you grumble at me. How could I fall in love with you?
Suddenly I remember again. To all the beautiful moments with you.
Only recently did you tell me that you would protect me with your life. Shortly afterwards you were seriously injured. I took care of your wounds and took care of you. When you came to yourself again you said that you are happy to have me and that you couldn't imagine what it would be like without me.You may have to experience this soon. How it is without me
I stand on the edge. An abyss of death. If you jump down there you definitely won't survive, even someone like you couldn't survive something like that. But I have no intention of surviving either. I want to die. Free myself from this suffering. This suffering that eats me up.
My hair swings around me and caresses my face. A violent gust comes in and knocks my hair forward. My skirt flutters in strong waves and my eyes stare into the infinite depth of the gorge.
Should i really do it?
Doubts invade me and for a moment I really think about turning around and going to the others and thus to you.
I shake my head back and forth and want to get rid of this thought. I can't go back! Not back to you! It just hurts too much! I can no longer be around you, support you longer!Your closeness is crushing me!
I slowly move towards the cliff. My legs are heavy as lead. My mind resists going further, telling me to think of my family back home, my friends.
But my heart wants to be redeemed. Be free.
Now I stand exactly on the edge and only one step separates me from merging with the darkness. I'm not afraid. Not from dying, but…. from being alone. To have no one to protect me, comfort me, ... love me.
And again I painfully realized that nobody loves me. None. I'm alone.
My eyes are empty and don't shine happily and happily as they used to be. I close it. Back then everything was fine!
But now…
Salty tears find their way through my eyelids and run down my cheek, only to plunge from my chin into the depths of the ravine. My arms hang limply on my body, I have lowered my head.My eyes are hidden under my voluminous bangs, only the trace of tears tells that I am crying.
The last pictures of my friends and family roamed around before my eyes and finally ... one of you too.
That gives me the last strength and I lift my foot to put it down in nothing. I let myself fall forward.
I want to surrender to the flight. But someone grabs my forearm.
I'm being torn back up. I open my eyes wide in shock, not wanting to believe that someone is destroying all of this, preventing my death.
I scream. Don't want to endure the pain that swells me up
I travel on my arm, trying to shake off the hand that holds me tightly.
In vain.
Desperate, I turn around and thrash around without knowing when I have in front of me, because I still screw up my eyes with anger and sadness. I don't want to see anything, do or say anything anymore.
I just wanna be deadGet rid of these jellyfish.
Feel completely at ease, but I cannot do that as long as I live and YOU love someone else.
I feel more hot tears pour down and make my face completely wet.
The attempts to escape my unknown opponent are getting weaker and weaker and finally end with an angry and desperate scream.
Then I am pressed against a muscular chest. The arms are pressed tightly on my hips and back, impossible to break free.
For the first time in a long time I feel secure and protected. My anger turns into thanks and I push myself more to this person who I still don't know who she is.
I cry and sob into the fabric that's as soft as feathers.
I only know one thing: I am so incredibly grateful that someone holds me so lovingly, does not leave me alone and is there for me.
Someone who gives me support and gives me that incredible feeling of affection that I needed so much.My hands cling to the person's robe. My body clings to him, like my heart, which no longer wants to be alone.
The sobbing increases and makes my body shake violently under the warm hands of the stranger.
Reassuringly, his hands start caressing my back, going up and down and taking the excitement off me.
Slowly seal my tears under his touch and I can see again to some extent. But right now I only see one thing.
And red.
Red like blood.
The knowledge shoots right into my brain.
YOU.
With an uncertain look I look up and look into your gold / yellow eyes, in which one can see clean forever.
Your facial expressions are very worried and a little bit reproachful.
But your eyes shine. They shine full of longing.
Longing for me
All of a sudden I only feel your lips on mine, which give me this feeling where I longed for:

love