leaving

leaving

"Hello. What's your name?"
"My name is Jason Daruno."
The man went around his desk and sat in a large leather chair. A notepad was already in front of him, ready to learn all my secrets.
"Have a seat."
He was polite, but they all were. I sat down. I actually didn't want to be here at all. I actually wanted to lead a normal life, but I couldn't. I've moved a total of six times. It has haunted me from city to city and now I'm sitting here in front of a psychologist.
He looked at me asking, this Professor Rasbon. Apparently he wanted me to get everything off my chest now. But it wasn't that easy. I didn't even know where to start. My thoughts just circled around randomly in my head without assuming any order. I didn't even really know where it all started.
"We met in the park."
The sentence just shot out of me. The psychologist looked at me in no way confused, as I had thought. Apparently they are like that more often, the crazy ones.
"Who did you meet there?"
I looked at the floor. What should I tell him now? The truth, preferably, but I had never spoken to anyone about it before. Would I be able to do that now? Tell him the bottom line?
"My- my girlfriend."
"I take it she broke up with you?"
I considered. You could see it that way, but no. It wasn't like that.
I took a deep breath and hoped that something would be easier. But I was wrong. It just made it harder. I looked at the clock. I was only five minutes in this room and the hardest thing was asked of me. This sentence he wanted to hear now. I didn't even bring it to my lips when it happened. And now it should just go that way. I looked tortured from one corner to the other. Tried to find a point to hold on to. Nothing.
But then I discovered a picture of the psychologist with his family. My throat tightened instantly and tears welled up in my eyes. I always wanted a family too. I almost had one.
"She is dead."
I did it. I had brought the sentence out of my lips. But in the next instant I left the room in quick steps. I heard the professor say that the secretary should let me go. That I would come to him again. Soon.
I realized that I was crying. Again. Why only always? I used to think that I was a tough guy. But now I'm just a wreck, a sunken ship. Without a port. Without protection. Left completely alone. I ran home. I didn't feel like other people gazing at me silly. You shouldn't see me like that. Nobody should get to know me like that. After all, I wanted to start a new life, but I was still very far from that.Hopefully the rasbon would be able to help me. But what if not?
I was there. I was finally standing on my doorstep. With shaky hands, I took my key out of my jacket pocket. Damn. Fell down. I'm shaking too much. Now the neighbor came out of the room. I quickly shook my hair in front of my red eyes. She certainly shouldn't see it.
"Can I help you Mister Daruno?"
She was polite too. Everyone is polite. Why? Do I look so pathetic?
"No, it's okay. Thank you."
Ah. I finally had the door open. And back behind me again. I leaned my back against it and sank to the floor. The tears ran again. You couldn't turn that off. Just turn off all feelings?
"I love you."
I immediately widened my eyes and listened intently. Her voice, she was here again. If her voice was here, then she had to be too.
"Leyla?"
I went through all the rooms. Looked everywhere. But I couldn't find it anywhere. Maybe she was in a kind of in-between world and was waiting for me? Could it be? But the dead couldn't live, I just imagine that. I'm really going crazy. It will be best if I go to the Rasbon again tomorrow and not leave after 10 minutes. After all, this man wants to help me.
I went into the kitchen thinking about something to eat. Yes, I urgently needed that too. But the look in the refrigerator was not very inviting. I should get into the habit of buying something to eat and not just being hungry. So back to bed hungry. Well, I'm used to that.
I didn't feel like getting changed either, it doesn't do any good anyway. Nobody sees me like that.
And again I had to find that crying makes you extremely tired.

"Leyla?"
I woke up with her name on my lips. I still felt the touch of her touch my skin. As if she was right next to me until recently. Cuddled up to me. I looked next to me. But there was no one. Just an empty part of my bed. No sign of my girlfriend. I tried to shake off the thought that she might have been here. It just wasn't possible. Even if many religious people say so, it couldn't be real. That would be too good to be true.
I tried to perceive other things than this sensation. My stomach growled. Yesterday evening I had to find out that I had nothing here. That probably meant breakfast out, ideally combined with a little weekly shopping.
I got up to get ready. All I had to do was put on my shoes and throw my jacket on. Much more convenient not to have to change all the time. As I passed, I noticed that my answering machine was blinking. I'm only new here, who should have called me? The time on the display told me that the doorbell must have rang yesterday immediately after I escaped from the practice."Hello Mister Daruno. This is Professor Rasbon speaking. I think it would be good if you come to me again today. I have planned some time for you from 1 pm. My block moved to the clock, I still had two hours until then. That would be possible.

Shortly after one. I was back in the practice. I was more nervous than yesterday. Probably because of the confession and the reaction that followed. The professor gave me a friendly look. But I've already noticed that all of these do.
"Mister Daruno, you don’t have to be ashamed of yesterday's incident, that’s a natural thing.
I looked at him. I saw understanding, just not this real understanding. He knew cases, maybe he also knew people, but he doesn't know me and my case.
"She's still here."
I said it as if I was completely behind it, even though I knew it was just a pipe dream. I knew it was somewhere underground. She was ashes. She was no longer a person who could touch me, who could tell me that she loved me.
"What do you mean?"
Understanding became less and less. At some point he thinks that I cannot be helped. Then he locks me up. For sure. But now I had to come out with it.
"I can still hear her voice. I can feel her. Sometimes as if she was standing right next to me. I tried to escape from her, that's why I moved so often."
"So you feel she is following you?"
I looked at him questioningly. Maybe a little horrified. It seemed to me as if he thought that I now suffer from paranoia. He probably thought so too.
"No. I just want to finally lead a life free from her, but if she is always there then that is not possible."
"So you want to get away from her. That's more positive than if you wanted to go to her."
He took notes. And I didn't understand. What did he mean by wanting to join her?
How should that work please? He raised his head and met my incomprehensible stare.
"There are many people who believe that by suicide they will get to where the other is now. To be close to them again, you understand?"
I nodded slightly. He said it like it was the most absurd thing in the world. To me, however, it seemed quite logical how these people thought. I didn't even have that idea. Maybe because I think it's nonsense myself. But how could she be there then?
"I have to go home."
I mumbled it as I got up.
"Just give me a call about a new appointment."
Again I nodded barely noticeably and left the room. Suicide? No, that couldn't possibly bring me closer to her, and if it did?
I was walking down the street, lost in thought, not paying much attention.
"Ouch! Take care, young man."
"I'm sorry."
I was almost walking again when the woman pulled me back.There was horror in her eyes.
"Have you lost someone important?"
"What's that got to do with you? And how did you get that?
Definitely a fortune teller who wants to pull the money out of my pocket. I quickly pulled my arm out of her grip. I was already disappearing when she called something after me.
"Your friend misses you."
That sentence burned deep into my heart. I missed her too. My eyes got wet again. I had to distract myself. Just think of something else. Just not her. The psychologist hadn't really made it better, no, rather made it worse. Now that I knew about this other possibility too.
When I got home, I sat down in front of the TV with a bag of chips. Television was always good in such cases. The news was on.
"A family was killed in a serious car accident this morning. The woman and her child died in the accident. The man who apparently had caused the accident committed suicide shortly afterwards."
I swallowed, then turned off the television. Why is there a message about a car accident when I turn on the television? Leyla died with one. With our baby in our tummy. It was my fault, I had made her drive, even though she was just as drunk as I was that evening. She died because of me.
Warm liquid ran down my cheeks. I put my head back. I couldn't do anything about it.
"I miss you."
Her voice again. She misses me Hadn't the woman on the street said that too? And the man on the news had committed suicide. Should these all be signs? Maybe I should stop running.
I tried to get my limp body into bed. I would find out more about it tomorrow. Now I needed some rest first. Every single day I was dragged out like this. Robbed every tiny bit of energy I had left. I wouldn't hold out much longer anyway. And Leyla's presence became more and more noticeable. Otherwise I had very seldom heard them.

The sun woke me up. I blinked a little. I wanted to stroke my girlfriend, gently wake her up. The disappointment was bitter when I just reached into my blanket.
It was just a dream. The dream of a happy family.
I sat up. The thoughts of